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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How do I handle this?
Damaris
♀ New Member
Member # 40377
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found this wonderful forum and am very grateful for all the wisdom here. My situation is I found out a few months ago my H has been in a PA for about a year and a half and an EA (same woman) for around 3 years. It is someone who works for him. I found out via some texts he sent her. He denied at first, said it was only emotional and then a few weeks later I asked point blank and he confessed. It has been the toughest experience of my life and his too, I imagine. We are both in IC, I went and got tested, trying to do all the right things to put our broken relationship back together. Many aspects are going well except one very large problem: She still works in his office. I am apoplectic about it. He says he is not interested in her emotionally or physically - only managerially. She has a specific skill set that is hard to replace. (I'll bet). I have been patient for several months but am at my wits end. Do I hang on a while longer or draw a line in the sand? I will appreciate all the wisdom and advice I can get. I would like to put our marriage back together if possible but this is beyond the pale. My head is going to explode if she does not get out of his life soon.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2013
LifeIsBroken
♀ Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, if he tells her he's done and terminates her employment, what are the chances she will file a lawsuit based on sexual harassment? I feel badly for the position you're in. But, like you, I would insist she become no longer employed with the company.


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, being as he has already sampled her "skill set," either she would go or I would. Pleeze!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4719 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They can not continue to work together if you want to truly reconcile.

My husband's affairs were all with employees. I understand the situation clearly. They took a huge risk by having the affair and one of the consequences is no longer working together.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Alexa
♀ New Member
Member # 40324
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Given the situation, he would be up against a law suit do firing her is not a good idea. Why can't he get another job? Is it his company?


Me: BS 45
Him: POS 51
D-day #1 Aug 5, 2013 (2 years) clueless the 1st yr, suspicious the 2nd
D-day #2 Aug 19, 2013 (there were many more)
D-day #3 10 years worth of A/ONS
Married 21 years (not sure if we'll make 22)
2 kids, 16 and 13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Michigan
Damaris
♀ New Member
Member # 40377
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish he could get another job, but it is his company. They worked together for 12 years before the affair. It is unlikely she would file a sexual harassment suit, but who knows? I knew her and trusted her, thought of her as a mutual friend. Ironically she herself was cheated on by her former husband 18 years ago! Her daughter has a half sister exactly the same age because her FWS impregnated two women at the same time, his wife and his OW. For some reason, she has now decided that it is ok to destroy our marriage and family too and that I am superfluous. He apparently agreed and at one point told her he was going to divorce me and marry her! But he never told me about this plan while the affair was going on. He acted like everything was fine at home. How does someone do that? For months on end? It is astonishing! The lies and deceit go on and on.

I am utterly alone in this. Other than one hour a week with my therapist, no one else in our life knows about the affair. I have told no family member or friend and do not plan to. Since I want our marriage to be restored, what would be the point? Our kids who are in their 20's have no idea. Part of the reason he hasn't fired her is to not arouse suspicion from the other employees, most of whom are women. But after 3 months post D-Day, I am losing it.

There are times I think I might explode, especially because she is STILL THERE!


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2013
Whatdoido333
♀ Member
Member # 36597
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no real advice....just wanted to let you know I am in a similar situation. H and OW went from "friends" to an EA...and still not convinced there wasn't a PA. They still work together in a very small office. e thinks there's nothing wrong with them being friends. He was going to D me and live with her..he was looking at houses for her...when he was with me!!!! of course I didn't find that out until much later.

It is very difficult to handle, but over time it gets easier. There are many times when it's just the 2 of them in the office together. there are days when I can cope and days when it drives me nuts....he keeps saying he's leaving that office.....only time will tell


Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2012
Edith
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Damaris!
I'm so sorry you are going through this.

She still works in his office. I am apoplectic about it.

I would be too!! She needs to go, like yesterday. I think as her employer, he could probably find a reason to get rid of her.

She has a specific skill set

Don't all OW

at one point told her he was going to divorce me and marry her!

This was probably just his way of keeping her on the hook, keeping the status quo which he was apparently enjoying.

Do I hang on a while longer or draw a line in the sand?

Yes, I would draw a line in the sand. That you have been waiting for MONTHS with this slime still working with/for him says to me you deserve a gold medal. It was my experience and that of so many others that waywards only understand an ultimatum when it is delivered with the utmost sincerity.

Hugs to you, dear. So sorry for your pain. I know it well.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 364 | Registered: Feb 2013
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For some reason, she has now decided that it is ok to destroy our marriage and family too and that I am superfluous. He apparently agreed and at one point told her he was going to divorce me and marry her!

First of all she isn't destroying your marriage, your H did that all by himself. Yes you hate her I understand, but your H choose to participate and go outside your marriage. He could have gotten rid of her before then if she poised a threat in the office. But no...he went along with it and now look what happens. This is 100% on him as far as your marriage goes. Don't blame shift it to her. She's nothing more than a lost soul trying to find happiness somewhere to cling to.

My advice is he needs to find some way to separate himself from her professionally. Maybe giving her a voluntary resignation with some golden parachute or severance to go away. Get a lawyer involved for her to sign a voluntary agreement where she can't come back to sue for any reason once the payment has been made, but no non-compete agreement so she can find work elsewhere with those skills. I don't agree to this "special skill set crap." EVERYBODY is replaceable. If they weren't she would be making tons of cash somewhere else and left a long time ago.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 10:33 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Sean. Buy her out.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6359 | Registered: Jan 2011
mandan66
♂ Member
Member # 40075
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, you are getting some good advice here. I am/was in the same situation as you. He either commits to you and the marriage, or not. There is no in-between, PERIOD. There are always, always ways around his workplace conflict. She needs to be gone. Think about it: if she stays there, you will always have this issue in the back of your mind, and that to me would be a crazymaker. And, as was posted, this is 100% his issue, not the OW. He needs to clean up his mess, NOW!


Me: 47; WW: 48
2 DS: 9, 14
M:18--T:19
DDay: Jan/13
Divorced and Done!--7/13

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: KS
undonelife
♀ Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damarius - I would ask him to check with an attorney, like yesterday! - and see what his options are. See if he can release her from employment immidiately without law suits hanging over his head. My WH works with his AP too. He cannot find another job and has really tried for the entire R. He's not in direct contact with her - different departments - and he has others take care of duties that might throw him in her path. That was the only way I would R with him. He avoids her and he has accountablility partners there in his office that make sure he sticks to avoiding her. He has also cut his hours way, way back and rarely works even 40 hours a week. I wouldnt R any other way. He is still looking for other job but he is the primary wage earner in our household so he cant just up and quit. If he hadnt put the boundaries in place and changed his work hours I could not have accepted his offer to R. Your WH needs to make some drastic changes and show you with his actions what you mean to him.


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 186 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Revenge  Posted: 1:15 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC is NC is NC

Damaris, I don't see how you can ever fully heal and regain a true and trusting relationship if they still work together. You will always worry and wonder. It will eat you alive.

True reconciliation begins when a person is willing to do ANYTHING to help the BS heal. ANYTHING. And yes, that means terminating someone or even switching jobs. At the end of the day what is more important?

Write her a decent separation agreement that alleviates the chance of being sued and be done with it. Also, if you live in an employment at will state, you can release her at anytime for any reason. Is she married as well?

Hang in there. And hang tough. You deserve some peace of mind.

Good luck. Prayers.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
Damaris
♀ New Member
Member # 40377
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"First of all she isn't destroying your marriage, your H did that all by himself. Yes you hate her I understand, but your H choose to participate and go outside your marriage. He could have gotten rid of her before then if she poised a threat in the office. But no...he went along with it and now look what happens. This is 100% on him as far as your marriage goes. Don't blame shift it to her. She's nothing more than a lost soul trying to find happiness somewhere to cling to."

Please understand I hold my WS completely responsible for what he did. He acted on his own free will and flew the plane into the tower (so to speak). Like all of the BS here, there are no words to describe my anger and hurt and utter disbelief that the love of my life could betray me this way. But I have also been betrayed (on a much lesser scale) by someone who I thought was a friend, who I have done many kind things for over the years. I trusted her. She stabbed me and my family in the back. I am entitled to those feeling too. The difference is I want to reconcile with him, she is out of my life forever. The question is how long do I wait until she is out of HIS life forever? There are four resumes on my H's desk for a replacement for her. Praying the right person comes along (hopefully a man, I am not kidding) and she can be shown the door.

Its easy to say "Fire her" "Quit his job" "No one is irreplaceable" but the reality is sometimes things are not that simple. Other innocent people have jobs riding on this business as well. But I appreciate everyone's support and kind words. And I do understand NC is non negotiable if we are to put our marriage back together again. I will not compromise on this point.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2013
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He built a successful company on his own and now he can reconfigure the staff and make it work. It may mean he works twice as hard for a while. It may mean the numbers go down temporarily. The bottom line is not the success of his company but the success of his marriage. Ask him to imagine this employee was unexpectedly hospitalized for an extended period of time. How would he handle that? He would regroup and make it work while continuing to run a successful company. That is what needs to happen now. It may cost money, time and his sanity but to do anything else will be costing your sanity and possibly his family. The answer should be obvious. He caused this and he needs to face the discomfort of fixing it.

Hugs


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6088 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes you are entitled to these feelings. But as long as she is there things will not get better for you. And obviously you know that by posting here. I'm not sure what else you want us to tell you other than she needs to go...and sooner than later. That's the advice you solicited from us. As long as you make this a non-negotiable requirement with him for staying together. Unfortunately it really is THAT simple. It's what has to happen...for you to feel safe in R.

I told my exWW that she needed to begin looking for a new job that didn't involve travel and working in a male dominated industry so much (she works in IT sales). I gave her trust and she took advantage of me on a business trip (one that I know of). But it wasn't with a co-worker, which would have made it even worse for me I think. She was always being hit on at trade shows, business dinners, etc. Once she was propositioned by another woman in fact during a trade show (yes a coworker). When I requested a job change as a part of R she looked at me like I had 15 heads. Right then and there I knew her job and money meant more to her than I did. That crushed me. Don't settle for that...ever.

Once you lose your family you lose it. He has to understand that and this should be his priority right now. Yes it will be uncomfortable and stressful at his business for a while, but there is no easy way to fix this other than him sucking it up. It's part of the hard work a WS has to do.

The guy on his death bed never said..."I wish I spent more time with my job."


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Damaris
♀ New Member
Member # 40377
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone. You have all been incredibly helpful. It is good to hear from those who have walked (crawled?) this road before. I have told him our marriage can't heal until she is gone. But you are right, I can't heal either. And it is eating me up inside. Part of me believes the "managerial" line and part of me wonders if she is the back up plan in case our marriage doesn't work out. Keeping her there so she can still have a job, money, etc. puts her wants and needs ahead of mine. I don't know how much longer I can take it. He is a tough guy but I believe he is scared of her and what she will do when he asks her to leave. I want to make him MORE afraid of losing his marriage!

(Note to Sean: what I want/need from this community is a safe and welcoming place to express my anger, pain, fear, sorrow and every other unfamiliar emotion I am learning to live with. I don't expect anyone here to know how to "fix" this. Other than my therapist, I have no one else to talk to because I have chosen to not tell anyone. You all are a lifeline. Thank you.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2013
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damaris,
People, and men in general, can overestimate their ability to compartmentalize. He is probably telling the truth about the skill set, but the point is that it is irrelevant. She's gotta go. People get laid off all of the time. Consult a lawyer to figure out how to handle it legally,


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1884 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust me when I say that the longer she is there the harder it will be for you to draw a line and expect him to respect it. The new normal will become normal and he might be angry with you for trying to force a change. The early days of discovery give you the edge.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6088 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry for your situation.

If he has any real interest in mending your relationship and showing any genuine remorse for his crime of the heart and the pain he has caused you, he would terminate his working relationship with her by ANY means necessary: firing her, or even giving up his business. Are you and his marriage his main priority or is his job?

Immediate and dramatic action on his part are required. Please don't settle for anything less or he is stringing you along.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1587 | Registered: Dec 2012
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