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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How do I handle this?
Damaris
♀ New Member
Member # 40377
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday he told her she would have to move on to another job, severance package to be determined next week. He told her "what we did was wrong, now we have to pay the price." She is angry because she cannot find a job that pays as well or with as many benefits. He also told her he wanted to put his marriage back together and did not want to destroy 3 innocent lives. (Wife and two kids). She replied, "so it's ok to destroy MY life?"

Progress. At least I hope so.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2013
Damaris
♀ New Member
Member # 40377
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been searching for the right words to share with my WS, that would truly explain how his infidelity affects me. To help him understand how it felt to be betrayed by him and how I constantly battle this agonizing pain. If you have not been the BS, it is probably impossible to understand what it feels like. I've brought up the image of the World Trade Center being hit by the plane, but I don't think he gets it.

This is something I found online - for other BS's, does this resonate with you? (Hope it is ok I quoted another source, I am new here).

"Infidelity is more than betrayal....it is traumatic! Infidelity feels like a malicious ambush targeted toward you, the unaware recipient. As your spouse plots, plans and hides behind lies, waiting for the moment to pounce. The moment they can release all their fury upon your heart. It feels designed to willfully inflict a mass amount of pain - an undercover operation to steel your dignity, pride, and dreams. It's as if your spouse is waiting for just the right moment to set the bomb off. It's an ambushing, robbing and murdering of your soul. The moment you realize you are under attack, it's to late to do anything. The fireball of hurt has already ripped through your heart. Compounding the hurt is an attitude of, "it just happened." "No," you say, "it didn't just happen. Car accidents just happen, broken bones just happen, infidelity is a calculated set of lies and choices - a covert operation, planed, controlled, directed and orchestrated by you!" Infidelity feels like intense hate that is intentionally meant to agonizingly carve the love right out of your heart. A sadistic and vengeful way to say, "I despise you like no other person on earth." It is the combination of evil and hate that rips at your heart spitting a venom of condemnation, from someone who feels like the devil, only this time the devil is wearing your spouses face. From an enemy you may expect such ruthlessness, but not from your spouse. It is the ultimate rejection of your very being from the person who knows you the most. It is horror that terrorizes every moment of your life as it kills your dreams of what your life is, was and will be. The shock of the assault feels no different than if your spouse plunged a knife deep into your heart, while you let out a bloodcurdling scream of destruction to your self-esteem and safety. It is mocking of your love, a statement of reprisal. The confusion so overwhelming and dismaying - How could this person who claimed to love you, dispose of your affections so ruthlessly, tearing them from your heart one vicious and bloody slash after another. Once the extraction is complete, leering at your anguish, as if now, you understand their disgust for you, and sneering with achievement as you accept their hatred. No respect is given to the gift of commitment upheld by you. It is implied as burdensome and irritating. Infidelity is torture of the heart, callous, calculated and cruel. It feels like acid eating through the depths of your soul, burning away the innocence of hope. In it's place the scars of cynicism wrap themselves around the belief in truth and justice. The phantom pains of love give rise to an inferno of rage, reopening the wounds of injustice. As the pain from the mutilation of your innocence assault every moral value, you judge yourself in blame. Infidelity says, my toleration of your inadequacy has reached an end. Yet these things are immeasurable to those who haven't experienced the pain. Only those who have experienced infidelity have a perceptible point of reference."

Read more at: http://www.healingafteraffairs-bloomington.info/infidelity/trauma-of-infidelity.html
Copyright © www.healingafteraffiars-bloomington.info


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2013
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She replied, "so it's ok to destroy MY life?"
Tells you a little more about OW, doesn't it. I disagree that OW is just a "lost soul." OP are definitely lost, but they are selfish people, trying to take what is not theirs to have.

Regarding metaphores to describe the pain of infidelity:

When my H asked me for a D (because he had a secret OW he was planning to M that I didn't know about till later) I saw myself as having been cut in half, top to bottom. My H threw his half in a hole in the ground, and my half was left standing on one leg, unable to move, bleeding to death.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
MammaMia
♀ Member
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sent you a private message


And once the storm is over, you wonít remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you wonít be the same person who walked in. Thatís what this stormís all about.Ē

Posts: 813 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
Williesmom
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Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case, the OW was an employee of our business. I fired her on DDay.

I worried about a lawsuit, but she had to go. I would not offer a severance either. Why should you pay her to leave?

This is a consequence of his actions. She needs to be gone now. Not next week. Now. Gone. Done.

Draw your line in the sand, and stick to it.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7031 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damaris - First, let me say that I am very happy to hear that your H told the OW that she would have to leave. When I found out about my H's LTA with a woman who was his employee, as well as someone I considered to be a friend, I told him he would have to let her go. Of course, he said he was afraid of a potential lawsuit. My response was, "Yes, it is possible that she MAY sue you but if you do not get rid of her, I will DEFINITELY sue you for D. The next day he told her she had to go. She was given 2 weeks notice and I told my H that for that final week he was to go to his brother's (out of state) and be out of the office while she packed her things and left.

Because she had been an employee for many years and we were supposedly "friends" and also because I tend to be somewhat sentimental, I had saved many cards and notes from her to both myself and my H telling us how much she loved and appreciated the friendship we shared. If there had been a lawsuit, I felt these would serve as evidence that she was in no way a victim but in fact a very willing participant. I would suggest that if you have any kind of similar "evidence" that you store them away for your protection. Also, although none of the other staff ever gave me the slightest hint during their A that they were involved, after it was discovered, they all came to me with stories that proved that she was an eager and willing participant in their sordid A.

I don't know if you have other staff that can share information with you about what they know but if you do, their perspectives could be very valuable if she does decide to file a suit.

Please don't hesitate to PM me if you have other questions. I wish you the best of luck with this heartbreaking situation. I will say for myself that once I learned what this woman was capable of, I never once tried to contact her. I told my H to let her know that she was never to attempt any contact. It has been almost 8 years and I am happy to report that not once did I have the misfortune to see her nasty face again.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 11:50 PM, August 26th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Damaris
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Member # 40377
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the excellent advice Forgivenotforget. It is a delicate situation when the OW is a soon to be former employee. I can think of a long list of kind things we have done for her but she has never written a card or a note of thanks, at least not to me. She is not from the U.S and is a citizen (here legally) from another country. I always chalked it up to a cultural thing, we Americans are more open with our emotions. I will ask my H if he has any cards or notes from her. Although she is excellent at her job, she is a morally bankrupt person and probably a narcissist. Because she has a friendly demeanor, it is difficult to see behind the surface. I still cannot wrap my head around her doing to someone else's children (we have 2 kids that she knows) what was done to her own daughter (her first H had an affair when OW was pregnant with her child. Her daughter has a half sister exactly the same age). HOW could you be a part of inflicting that pain on some other woman and her innocent children? Yes, I hold my WS completely responsible. He is lost and broken. But she took advantage of his brokenness for her own selfish needs. So much for sisterhood. I will not contact her and will not have any future interactions as well. Eventually I hope to forgive her, but NEVER to see her.

The good news (and I am sharing this for newly found out BS's) I am much stronger today than I was 3 months ago on D day. Through prayer, IC, reading books, articles, and SI, I have come a long way from the completely devastated, crushed beyond belief person I was. I know for sure I will be fine no matter what happens. My husband's adultery will not define me or dictate my future. I choose to be a positive, happy and productive person. HIs behavior is his to own. I pray for reconciliation but realize I cannot control his choices or behavior. But I can control mine! That is powerful.

If you just found out something horrible about your spouse, please know there is strength and healing for you. You WILL move past the pain to a better place. Prayers and hugs to all who are hurting BS.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2013
Damaris
♀ New Member
Member # 40377
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In 10 days I am leaving for a trip that I must take, it cannot be changed or postponed. I have indicated to him that she MUST BE GONE from his office before I leave. (Originally, he asked if he should wait and fire her while I was gone just to keep me away from the ugliness). I said Absolutely Not, she has to go before I leave. At the time, this seemed like a reasonable position. Now I am wondering what to do if she is still working there the day I leave. His stance is (and it is valid believe it or not), he has not been able to find anyone who know how to do her job. Her job is what brings in the income to run the business. Without her, we would eventually fold. I am between a rock and a hard place. We are both in IC, he is very fragile and broken. I am getting stronger day by day. Our relationship is positive but with underlying tension. I would like to reconcile and go into MC but nothing can move forward until she is gone. Trying to be patient but am dying a little each day.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2013
cissi
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Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She replied, "so it's ok to destroy MY life?"

Why, yes. Yes it is. Idiot.


Posts: 1318 | Registered: Nov 2008
Damaris
♀ New Member
Member # 40377
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Cissi. You made me smile. It is astonishing to me that she thinks only about herself - who would want to be with someone so selfish and narcissistic? My WS had the grace to feel horrible and a self described "giant ball of wormy sin". But she apparently thinks she is the victim. It is enough to make my head explode.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2013
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