The closest you can get, I have found, is finding hope and peace in the changes in your former wayward spouse. Their work, their effort, their remorse, their utter anguish at the destruction they caused. I respect him for this work and it is a defense against resentment.
Not sure how to do that yet...
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Reconciliation when there is no justice?
You also took vows of "for better or worse". Now you know what "worse" is referring to. R is also a time for testing your resolve to protect your marriage. Whether to stay or leave, there is no right or wrong answer.
At first it seems that there is a horrible imbalance in the relationship as our spouses got to go out and "have fun" and left us to all that faithful-business and whatnot. The thing is, if you look at it from a karmic scale then you are still very much on the fuller side.
Try not to look for justice/punishment so much as improvement. Crazz is a better husband and father than he was before DDay, and I'll take that over him suffering for what he has done any day of the week.
I understand the sentiment, but if R is the goal then justice can't come into play. And if you are divorcing your spouse (as you indicated)...there's your justice!
I don't think justice comes into play here. That is for the court room. This is a matter of the heart. I now know that I will never be able to draw a straight line from what my fWH did to having it all make sense, fall into place. It just won't and I only came to accept that last week as a matter of fact.
It's been 8.5 months for us. I have seen his remorse,seen his determination to repair and know that he is a better man, a better husband and father.
I am chosing to let go of my resentment every day. And hey, I would have had to do this even if we went our separate ways.
If this is the route you go, try reading a bit from Affairs/repercussions of infidelity by emily brown. She has a good passage about good endings mean good beginnings.
I wish you well
The pain they caused themselves is way worse than any justice that could come from from my hands.
I don't believe that there is a "get out of jail free" card for cheaters or their APs. Those that don't make amends and atone for their destructive choices they are doomed to repeat them because they have not learned from them. Which means their deeds will eventually catch up with them at some point.
And yes, Chicho, very well said. Justice may just boil down to them having to look at themselves in the mirror.
[This message edited by sable at 12:07 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]
I told WH that the ONLY justice in this would be divorce, but do I want "justice" or do a want to heal and fix my family? It's kind of like Dr. Phil's famous question, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?"
Boy, I sound so healthy, don't I? HA, keep in mind this is my goal, I am no where near there yet. The fact that OW is having a great summer KILLS me. This hasn't affected her AT ALL. Meanwhile, I'm a complete disaster and will be for a long time to come. Most definitely not fair.
I am grateful everyday that I gave it a year. And I am even more grateful that within that year she actually got it.
The real justice is seeing the look in their eye when they have that lightbulb moment realizing that they whored themselves out for cheap validation.
I am one that struggles with the whole justice thing, too. I agree that you have to accept the fact that there will be no justice if you want to have a healthy reconciliation.
If you have gained a great marriage in reconciliation and it continues to be so, I don't feel that I would allow that resentment to creep back in, it just wouldn't be there. KWIM?
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
but consequences, yes. I regret not enacting some consequences - like kicking him out or something - but I understand why I did that.
Looking at yourself in the mirror? I truly believe that he looks at himself and thinks, "well if she hadn't of done what she did I wouldn't have done what I did." and lets himself off the hook. I think the shit sandwich was too big for him to chew so he had to act out.
I don't know how some BS live through this. They are the spouse with the moral high ground but I bet that doesn't mean much to them when they're trying to pick up the pieces of themselves after a betrayal. At least not at first.
If a wayward is truly truly remorseful, they'll get their justice. Digging through all that crap, FOO issues, everyone hating you, that's not fun. But, it's the only way out. I just don't think many waywards really do this. I'm still not there myself. If I was, I'd have a little more understanding and humility for what my husband did....
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...
If a wayward is truly truly remorseful, they'll get their justice. Digging through all that crap, FOO issues, everyone hating you, that's not fun.
I've thought of this as well.
The question is are you looking for your own justice or justice for your WS.
You make this situation worth it by how you act. If you get your issues fixed and can move on (through R or D) with a clear conscience that you've taken the high road-that is YOUR justice. And knowing that you were faithful to your marriage even when the chips were down and you really did have justification to invalidate those vows.
The justice for your WS on the other hand is quite different.
If you D, then you release the debt and allow life to pay the karma to him/her. That's why D seems like the only "fair" option. It seems fair because you don't have to keep score anymore, it's not your battle. You leave it to karma.
If you are in R, justice is served differently. If R is healthy and successful the justice is that your WS fully realizes the harm they have done to you, your family and themselves. If they are capable of realizing justice they will be served it tenfold. It will be evident in their eyes, their actions, their voice, the way they hold you and the way they strive to become worthy of the life they threw away.
If they are not capable of realizing justice it will become evident with the passage of time. They will never get it, never apply the lesson. In that case, I truly believe it's a lost cause, and the only option is the BS allows life, once again-to become the great equalizer by taking themselves out of the picture.
Sorry if that seemed esoteric, I tried to explain the way I feel, but it is truly complicated!
So I guess I agree that at the end of it all, there is no justice. Part of the price of R is accepting that and still being able to move on. It's not easy.
Recovery is building a pyramid of inference from which to climb and see clearer, and heavy usage of the reflexive loop.