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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When did you stop asking questions
Undone1
♀ Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I am obsessing and have not figured out how to let go. When a question that my fWH has likely already answered, I want to ask it. I know everything already and the past is NOT GOING TO CHANGE no matter what I ask.

Does time help with the letting go, or specifically what do you tell yourself when the question pops in your mind over and over.

When I am busy this is not a problem, but evening when we are home together, it seems to really bother me.

I would appreciate any "techniques" that anyone can help me with.


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
smittennomore
♀ Member
Member # 38150
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm interested in responses to this one as well. Just today, I spent an hour rapid fire texting questions to my WH about sex details from his A.

Sigh. I'm about 8 months out, and I thought it would be getting a little easier by now. I feel like I've had a dark cloud over my head for the last month, despite WH doing everything in his power to be there and supportive.

I hope you can find peace...


Me (37): BW
Him (33): WH (1sorryGDF)
D-Day: 12/19/12
DD: 3yrs old
DS: Almost 2!!
2 yr EA/PA
Working hard towards R with IC's/MC
Slowly... but getting there

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jan 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have stopped asking them for the most part and I am 18 months out. If they do arise I ask them. I am a believer that there are always going to be questions, it's how important you need the answer that counts. Sometimes I'll have a question and then realize it doesn't matter what the answer is.

Sorry I didn't answer for techniques. I would write them out and sit on them for a few days and the Q's that were still nagging I asked.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 3:32 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Beemer
♀ Member
Member # 38499
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm about 14 months out and have mostly stopped asking... once in a while a little brain worm will dig in and I'll ask a question - but it's usually something I haven't asked before - I am now passed the stage of asking the same questions over and over again.


BW - Me (33)
FWH - Him (34)
Married - 8years
D-Day - 06/06/12
Status - Trying...things are good :)

Posts: 77 | Registered: Feb 2013
learningtofeel
♀ Member
Member # 39543
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our MC says that obsessing can be a cover for hurt, so when I start obsessing now I try to see if something triggered other emotions for me and explore that instead. I'm not very good at it yet, but I'm learning. Sometimes it feels perversely good to obsess, like scratching a mosquito bite until you bleed. But I know it's not the way to healing....

She also says that feeling judgmental can be a cover for fear and anxiety, so when I'm feeling judgy I try to look a little deeper there too, when I can. Learning to feel....


M 1989
3 young adult kids
D-Day 4.13.13
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good advice here... I may have a couple questions but the answers don't matter, really. I do tend to ask the same questions over again though... Things he's already said no to that maybe with more IC, he'd say yes to.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5070 | Registered: Dec 2010
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm about 4 months post D-day, and I have pretty much stopped asking questions. If I have an obsessive question I can't shake, I will ask it, but generally I try to really ask myself honestly 'why do I need to know this - what will it change. Is this vital information - does it affect my relationship with my H now - or is it morbid curiosity'. Sometimes I have to remind myself not to pick the scab, you know?

There's a story I read somewhere... Two dogs are in a fight, both equal sized, both in it to win. Which one will win? The one that you feed. I try to feed the 'R dog'... and starve out the one that is only biting and causing pain.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plainpain...I like what you said.

I'm about 5 months out from DD and I am at the same point. I have always been a very practical, rational person. I will say I have had some Jerry Springer Show moments in this process, though. Maybe I'm becoming more rational again or maybe I am just not caring as much. Time will tell.

The thing all of us have to figure out is: Is this detail important? Or am I pain seeking? I haven't asked any sexual details - my questions have mostly been about dates/times/locations - - - they went on a lot of trips and he wasn't forthcoming about those details at first.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 897 | Registered: Jun 2013
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never, as far as I am concerned.

In the early days I think it is a form of reality testing. The more often you ask and the answers match up, the more you can begin to repair and rebuild.

Later, when you want to stop and can't, there are some strategies.

My IC had me set a specific time every day to obsess about the affair. Think all the gory, horrible thoughts. Then go about my day. It helps to keep your mind on track during other tasks.

In addition, write down the questions you want to ask. Give yourself 2 or 12 or 48 or however many hours and if it still bothers you then, then ask it. If not, move on. I found that eventually, what bothered me like CRAZY one hour would be gone by the next day. I realized I was pain shopping or something similar.

You will likely have questions surface months or years later that you never thought to ask. It's important to know you can ask them for however long you need to.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6499 | Registered: Jan 2011
Undone1
♀ Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some really great thoughts...

Beemer---"brain worm" that's exactly what it is!

Learning--I think that is correct that we are hurt or fearful.

Plainpain: or is it morbid curiosity'. Sometimes I have to remind myself not to pick the scab,

All good thoughts to ponder. Perhaps it is like piking a scab and I can't just leave it alone...morbid curiosity about their relationship is an interesting thought. Am I jealous that I will never know all the details? Jealous I wasn't involved and he knows/I don't?


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Question  Posted: 4:40 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you are hurting.

Reconciliation after infidelity is a long road for anyone, but some have especially hard paths.

The Road back to Happy can be littered with potholes...also known as triggers.

PTSD...Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a real deal issue for many betrayed spouses. PTSD can cause obsessive thinking, replaying the sordid mess over and over until you wanna scream.

The details of an A can haunt us forever with mind movies. I call the mind movies brain-worms like the other person posted.

For me, it took a whole lot of IC to help me shift my thinking.

With a shift in thinking, I learned to beat the brain-worms down into submission!

If your WH is doing all you need to make you feel safe in your marriage today, try to focus on that. Think about what he is doing NOW instead of what he did THEN.

My IC taught me a little trick. I thought she was crazy when she suggested it. No way this could work. Too simple. Ridiculous!!!

I was wrong.

When I started to think of anything about the A, I began this mantra:

"I don't need to think about that now. It will not help me to think about that now. I WILL NOT THINK ABOUT THAT NOW!"

It took practice, but no one was more surprised than me when I began to win the battle of the brain-worms!

Not saying this is the answer to your problems, but it can't hurt! IC is so helpful when dealing with PTSD. Make no mistake, this kind of life changing event takes a huge toll. Sometimes we need professional support.

Hope you have brighter days ahead. Keep moving.

Hugs and prayers

[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:41 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1163 | Registered: Apr 2013
SmallButStrong
♀ Member
Member # 40128
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 11 months out and still have questions pop into my head all the time, but I find I hold them back because whatever his answer is typically sends me into a hysterical screaming session.

It's not easy to keep the questions to myself, as I still obsess over them constantly. I think it's a sign that we are still processing and putting the pieces of the puzzle together. The first few months are so emotional, I don't think I remember half of the information I got out of him which is why I need to ask again.


Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 13 years at time of D-Day, 2 small children
D-day 1: 8/16/12 (told it was EA only)
D-day 2: 9/22/12 (the OW confessed to the truth and exposed the PA)
12 month affair, 10 months PA
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jul 2013
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was TT and lied to for MANY years. I think that prolonged my need to ask questions.

I had to ask the same question over and over. Finally, one day, I got the beginnings of the truth. So I was conditioned to repeat myself and doubt the answers I got. Now, almost four years after that day, I may almost be done asking.
But I reserve the right to ask at any time. So should you.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3583 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My need to ask questions slowed down a lot when it started making sense, when the pieces of the puzzle fit and the answers stopped changing.

I thread yesterday had me thinking about new questions. I asked. We had a good conversation.

I think, for us anyway, it was therapeutic for both of us. It helped me make sense of it but it also helped her make sense of it. Being pushed to think about it made her look at things she may have never thought of.

In the moment it seemed crazy and obsessive and probably was both. But a lot of good came from it.

ETA: It was most definitely obsessive. There was a couple months were we barely left the house and talked about it up to 20 hours a day. That was after 9 months of TT then the final truth with an additional 3 A's. We had a lot to discuss.

[This message edited by Chicho at 5:29 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2600 | Registered: Aug 2012
uniquenewyork
♂ Member
Member # 30811
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iam 2 years out (or so). If anything, I have more questions now because I was TT'd and the more I have thought about it, things dont add up. I have a ton of questtions, but its been a long time since we've talked, so I'm trying to figure out how to bring it up again.
I Dont think that there should be any atatute of limitations


Me(BS): 45/Her(WS): 45
S:12,D:9,D:7
Affair with OM#1 before we were married.
Couple day fling w/ OM#2
Me as a WS: late '07-early '08.
EA/PA with OM#3: 2/16/09 (many D-days after, broken NC.)
EA/PA with OM#4: Found September '10; PA

Posts: 199 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
SmallButStrong
♀ Member
Member # 40128
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is TT?


Me: BW
Him: WH
Married 13 years at time of D-Day, 2 small children
D-day 1: 8/16/12 (told it was EA only)
D-day 2: 9/22/12 (the OW confessed to the truth and exposed the PA)
12 month affair, 10 months PA
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jul 2013
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TT- Trickle Truth

It is the story come out a little at a time. It is straight out lies or lies of omission.

For me i was told for 2 months just text messages then 2 more months of text messages with a kiss. Then it was sex once. Then it was sex 4 times. Then it was finally 4 affairs over our entire relationship. That whole process of truth took 10 months.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2600 | Registered: Aug 2012
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I knew the answer to your question. I keep asking the same questions because the answers don't make sense to me. I end up angry and things end in a fight. I decided to write down every question I had and after a big blow out at 4am the other night, I gave the 5 page list to my husband to answer. You should have saw his face when he saw that it was 5 pages! I figured we'd fight less if instead of asking him the same questions over and over, I could just get out the list and read his answer. He answered most of the them right away....Which just started another fight. I'm still getting canned responses and many contradict what he has said in the past. I just need to accept that he is either unable or unwilling to dig deeper and be totally honest with me about his feelings for the OW and the EA or I'm not willing to accept his answers unless it's what I expect or want to hear. I have a feeling it's a little of both. Either way, I think it's beginning to damage our progress to keep rehashing it every night. I don't make it safe for him to open up. I rip apart everything he says and over analyze it. But I only do this because His trickle truth destroyed my ability to trust that he's telling me the truth. I stopped asking questions two days ago and I'm trying my best to accept that he can't satisfy my need to know and trying to happy with the progress he's made in every other way but that. However, I've been very depressed for the last two days so maybe holding it in isn't the answer. He senses my mood change and lack of questions and now fears that I'm slowly starting to give up on him. Which is not true at all. It seems like no matter what I do, I'll never get it right.

Posts: 680 | Registered: Jul 2013
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I stopped asking when I chose to accept it.

Not accept it in the sense that I was okay with it. What he did was NOT okay.

But accept in the sense that I realize it happened and that no matter how many times I ask the same questions, go through his e-mails and read old ones, etc... it isn't going to change the answer.

Think of the grieving process- it starts with denial. That is why all the questions over and over again. "No, that can't be. Seriously? Are you sure?" It's normal.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 19

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