If he doesn't address his issues..and if he doesn't heal himself..and work on himself..anything he does to help you heal will be in vain..because HE is the problem..not you. Meaning,he cheated,he has things to work on..whatever it is that allowed him to cheat on you twice..lie to you this whole time..and manipulate you.
I have finally realized this. I've been living the past 4 months of my life thinking that I did something wrong, or that I wasn't supportive enough for him. I've been thinking that I'm crazy and imagining all these conspiracy theories of him manipulating me. I've been thinking that I wasn't trying hard enough after Dday. I talked to my IC about it in June, and tried to go a few weeks just focusing on the positive because I thought that I was the one holding us back.
Now my eyes are opened. This isn't my fault. I'm not crazy. I was suspecting things because I was right. He was continuing to lie to me 4 months after Dday, while looking me in the eyes and swearing that he had no reason to lie now.
I can't fix him. I can listen to him and be there for him, but I can't fix him. I can't make him tell me the truth. I can't force him to be honest with me or with himself. It doesn't matter how supportive I am, I can't do anything to change him. He has to want to change himself. And he has to want it for the right reasons.
He says he did all these horrible things and lied to me for months in order to keep me. He didn't want to lose me. Even now, I wonder if he's posting on SI and seeking IC just to keep me. That's not enough. He has to want to change for himself, regardless of whether I'm in the picture or not. That's the only way the change will be real.
And this is not my fault. I was a good girlfriend to him. I was faithful. I only thought of him, and only wanted him. I tried to make myself a better person for him. Tried to listen more. Tried to put his feelings first. I'm a good catch, and he had something good. This is his fault. He screwed up. He slept with two other women even though I was always there for him. He made that decision. And then he lied to me for months. He tried to manipulate me. This is not my fault.
I want him to get help because I do believe that he can be a good person. But I've realized that he has to want that himself, and that I'm not enough to heal him.