Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: ExWayward (44295)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: feeling overwhelmed with lots of issues
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LG..if your WSO is who I believe he is...his post concentrates solely on you. Not necessarily a bad thing..but it's all about you..how to help you..how to get the two of you through this..again..not a bad thing..but I notice there is nothing mentioned about his healing..and the work he is/is not doing on himself..which is just as important..if not more important. If he doesn't address his issues..and if he doesn't heal himself..and work on himself..anything he does to help you heal will be in vain..because HE is the problem..not you. Meaning,he cheated,he has things to work on..whatever it is that allowed him to cheat on you twice..lie to you this whole time..and manipulate you.

We tell BS nothing they did made their WS cheat..and it's true. So,unless he is working HARD on himself,you will very possibly have another dday.

Again..I think it's great that he wants to help you heal..and he is asking how to do that...because *I* believe there is a WHOLE lot a WS can do to help their BS heal(I know many others say the BS's healing is up to them..and it is,ultimately. But there is a shit ton of things a WS can do to help that happen). Just make sure he is working on himself.

I see him posting as a really good,positive step forward.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7141 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he doesn't address his issues..and if he doesn't heal himself..and work on himself..anything he does to help you heal will be in vain..because HE is the problem..not you. Meaning,he cheated,he has things to work on..whatever it is that allowed him to cheat on you twice..lie to you this whole time..and manipulate you.

I have finally realized this. I've been living the past 4 months of my life thinking that I did something wrong, or that I wasn't supportive enough for him. I've been thinking that I'm crazy and imagining all these conspiracy theories of him manipulating me. I've been thinking that I wasn't trying hard enough after Dday. I talked to my IC about it in June, and tried to go a few weeks just focusing on the positive because I thought that I was the one holding us back.

Now my eyes are opened. This isn't my fault. I'm not crazy. I was suspecting things because I was right. He was continuing to lie to me 4 months after Dday, while looking me in the eyes and swearing that he had no reason to lie now.

I can't fix him. I can listen to him and be there for him, but I can't fix him. I can't make him tell me the truth. I can't force him to be honest with me or with himself. It doesn't matter how supportive I am, I can't do anything to change him. He has to want to change himself. And he has to want it for the right reasons.

He says he did all these horrible things and lied to me for months in order to keep me. He didn't want to lose me. Even now, I wonder if he's posting on SI and seeking IC just to keep me. That's not enough. He has to want to change for himself, regardless of whether I'm in the picture or not. That's the only way the change will be real.

And this is not my fault. I was a good girlfriend to him. I was faithful. I only thought of him, and only wanted him. I tried to make myself a better person for him. Tried to listen more. Tried to put his feelings first. I'm a good catch, and he had something good. This is his fault. He screwed up. He slept with two other women even though I was always there for him. He made that decision. And then he lied to me for months. He tried to manipulate me. This is not my fault.

I want him to get help because I do believe that he can be a good person. But I've realized that he has to want that himself, and that I'm not enough to heal him.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1035 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's a difference between compliance and true change. I think you have felt uneasy because your gut was telling you he was still lying to you. You kept trying to make sense out of things...like those posts on the other site..and couldn't,because what he was saying wasn't matching up with what your common sense was telling you.

Trust your gut. Not him. He broke your trust. He has a very long way to go before he earns any of that back. For now..trust YOU.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7141 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Standing ovation LG! Your last post makes me feel like you have had a major revelation! Keep it up! You are on the right track!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 647 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.