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User Topic: What is gaslighting?
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NatureGirl, my stomach lurched reading your account of the extreme gaslighting you STBX put you through. There just aren't words for how cruel he was to you. Thank God you're out of that situation.

My FWH used a much milder form of gaslighting. He never intended to drive me crazy, only to make me doubt my feelings, intuitions, and what I had actually heard with my own ears.

Once, OW was an overnight guest in our home, as she had been a good "friend" of WH. My intuition told me there was something going on, but I had no proof. That night, I went to bed early and just as I got undressed, I heard a distinct kissing sound, then a contented little sigh from OW (mmmmmm). Then silence. Then nervous talking, like the kind when you're doing something wrong and try to sound normal.

When she went home, WH and I had our first confrontation. He tried to tell me that she'd gone to the bathroom, yet I had not heard footsteps or water running or a toilet flushing (and I would have from where I was). "I know my boundaries! My god, SadFlower, I would never do anything like that to you! We're {wait for it)...just friends!"

He had been a man of such sterling character, or so I believed, that I decided that I had indeed been mistaken. I actually began to feel guilty for doubting him! No way WH would cheat.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA

Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so I know that OP hasn't been back....but I'm really enjoying the "what will we find in NG's garage" talk....

For the record....NG wins my SI prize for "most prolifically gaslighted member."

But on a serious note....there are people that gaslight on purpose and there are people that are so fucked up that they don't know that they're gaslighting you.

At the beginning of (what I didn't realize was false) R, stbx typed up a Word doc that was some sort of crazy marriage agreement. Fast forward 2 months and an admission of a new round of cheating....then fast forward again about one month. He said to me "I wrote up that doc and you didn't print it. Hell, you probably didn't even read it."

(Reality was.....he had to send it to my email 4 different times because I wasn't receiving it. I finally got it and we spent about 2 hours going over it.)

After he made that statement...about me not even bothering with the document that he spent time preparing....I marched over to my purse, pulled out my copy, and reminded him of the EXACT conversation we had while discussing it. He didn't remember any of it and the look on his face was quite frightening.......

If you are dealing with a person that is fucking with your reality.....well, good wishes to you. And take good notes.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8075 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 23987
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


How did you resist not gas lighting him back?? I'm thinking I would have crazy glued the air vents in his car shut and insist they never opened.

What an asshat!

Posts: 843 | Registered: May 2009
♀ Member
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, now that it's been explained to me, yes my WS would gaslight me. Although I really don't think he thought it was that diabolical. I think he thought of it as "lying to protect himself". We've gone over it in counseling. He'll tell me I said something that I didn't, or he said something that he didn't. I thought I was going mad until I started calling him on it after the "fog" had lifted and I realized how f'ed up he was making me. It became a habit for him, it was done so much.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 17 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 250 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

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