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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wife tempted to cheat
mrmarx
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Member # 38357
Stop  Posted: 11:23 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ddays were 4,8 october

However BW was pretty certain about it for the entire year of 2012. I became a pretty cruel person during that year, however august 23rd last year she claims she 'knew' for certain then. She even told her bf about it... then promptly forgot telling her. She's been acting very teary for the past couple of days.

Since final dday, she's claimed part of her would want to have a RA, but her 'boundaries' are solid and she 'wouldn't want to sink to that level'. However she was watching Dr Phil whilst studying and they were talking about a tv show called 'seeking arrangement'. Then I noticed she went to the website, signed up and then promptly deleated it FIVE minutes later.

I asked her about it but she said she was curious. That was it. My wife has always been like that in all areas of life. She'll google it etc to find out more information and then that's it.

But I wonder if it's something more? I mean it's not really out of personality to go further and read more information. I don't know.


Secondly, I keep having multiple sexual fantasies on a day to day basis. I have read a couple of posts and no-one has answered if this is infidelity. I'm trying but my pyscologist says the more effort, the more I beat myself up about it the worse it will get. She's trying to be supportive about it but I think it's slowly killing our relationship. I did lie about it for a couple of months saying that I didn't get them and we were like we used to be. But then I told the truth and the 'closeness' dwindled she argues more she cries more and she doesn't focus on as much anymore.

Please help


Christ what a year!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Aus
stilllovinghim
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Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Firstly, I think what your W did is somewhat normal since its the early stages. A lot of BS's fantasize about an RA or threaten an RA, etc., its when they continue fantasizing, or attempt to act out is when there's an issue. Your W, IMHO, was hurt and got curious but put a stop before it went too far.

Was she teetering? Yes. I think though her actions rang loud and clear. She doesn't want to have an A. She's fucking hurt but can rely on herself. However, HOWEVER, this doesn't mean its something to be ignored. Please talk openly and honestly with her about this because there is that chance that it could have gone too far and once that happens, there's no erase button.

As far as the fantasy stuff, are you fantasizing about another person other than your W? Someone you know? An XAP? Some things you can't beat yourelsef up over, others need to be looked into. I'm not asking about the fantasies in an explicit way, just need a little clarification.


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
mrmarx
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Member # 38357
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks still loving him:

They are very visual and sexually explicit fantasies. Not about APs: I find them pretty repulsive

Apart from that anyone, my co-workers, girls walking down the street. This happens multiple times a day. I've had them for as long as I remember, I thought all guys have them. My psychologist says definitely not and they are really unhealthy and they need to stop.

Part of me though, I think is still drawn to the idea of infidelity. Otherwise I wouldn't have them? I feel like I'm fucked either way
1) Tell my wife about them (which she demands) and kill our relationship
2) Don't tell my wife about them and if I get caught kill our relationship

oh and I never fantasise about my wife which she seems even pissier about. She gets angry because I think she's cute and beautiful, not sexy

[This message edited by mrmarx at 7:49 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


Christ what a year!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Aus
20WrongsVs1
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Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've escaped to sexual fantasies ever since I can remember, too. Whether or not it's infidelity is somewhat irrelevant IMO, because it certainly is not part of a healthy life or M.

Is your therapist helping you figure out:
1) Why you escape to those fantasies?
2) What triggers you into going there?
3) How to stop going there?

The fantasies were my security blanket, my pacifier. Now I want to find healthy ways of coping with difficulties in my life, and quit the fantasies forever. Do you want to stop? It's an addiction and if you don't kick it, you risk choosing it over real life--just like heroin addicts do.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 1:20 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
1DumbHusband
♂ Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mrmarx: have you considered looking into SAA or other similar support groups. Shortly after DDay, my wife looked up the definition according to the psychology DSM4 manual and found that I would fit the definition of an addict. Our MC at the time even confirmed that assessment.

I was in a similar situation myself with the fantasies and looking at stuff online. As for my healing and what I am doing for my wife and family: I have sworn off looking at anything (porn, pictures, etc) which leads to fantasies. After all, that's how I ended up where I am at. For me and my W, I would consider it cheating because it starts me down a path I never want to travel again. But that is my opinion. Having fantasies about your wife can help bring you closer and help regain some intimacy and passion. I can honestly say that since I have put all my sexual focus and attention to my wife, our sex life (which was always great) has been even better. I feel more connected to her and even dream about her throughout the day. Having fantasies about other people will put emotional distance between you two and if you want to reconcile, that's unhealthy. I wish you the best! Good luck.


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
mrmarx
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Member # 38357
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

20WrongsVs1: My therapist seems to think it is a pattern of boredom I get into. That it's more of an addiction then anything. I can't stop going there, but when I do my wife made up a mantra that I have to say (I altered it a bit because she said I needed to feel like I have ownership in it)

But my wife thinks it's straight forward: that if I wanted them to stop it just would. But I don't think it's that simple.

1DumbHusband: My wife has asked about SA as well to me but I don't think that's the case. Because although I was watching porn a lot, I don't do it as much anymore. I never even as much hugged my APs (numerous opportunities)and this ofcourse means no sexual touching or anything and I had so many opportunities.

Everytime I got too close to actually doing anything more than talking about having sex with them I pretty much just ran away from them. Then I would come back etc. I've thought about it a lot and I think that I wanted my wife to catch me but she had her head buried in the sand and "didn't want to deal with it, didn't want to admit it was an actual possibility etc"

But I have to admit the fantasies do sound like a sex addiction. Maybe I am just more scared of the label than anything.

I am just so confused about everything. I've read a few posts down at the general section and all the other betrayed spouses seem really angry towards their cheater. What I thought is my wife's angry (which has scared me a lot) is really so tame. The worse she ever did was slap me on the should twice when I called her something really innocent that I called one of the girls I cheated with. But it didn't even hurt... it was really really weird as if she went to hit me and the last second it was a pat but the anger and rage was still the same?

And in some ways she's dealt with a lot worse than some of the posters in general and that worries me too, maybe she just doesn't care anymore?


Christ what a year!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Aus
20WrongsVs1
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Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, MrMarx, I did not hear you say you want to stop. I heard "I can't" and "I'm scared" and "I'm confused."

Trust me, I get it, I had two PAs this spring...and after a couple decent months in recovery just had a relapse into fantasy-land. It is an addiction, and hard to give up.

But you can.

Do you want to?


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
UnexpectedSong
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Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not about APs: I find them pretty repulsive

Apart from that anyone, my co-workers, girls walking down the street. This happens multiple times a day. I've had them for as long as I remember, I thought all guys have them.

Definitely look into sex addiction.

My psychologist says definitely not and they are really unhealthy and they need to stop.

What has your psych offered you to help you stop? If it is so ingrained in you, you cannot stop just by saying so.

What triggers a fantasy?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6094 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
ResoluteH
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Member # 39673
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I have to admit the fantasies do sound like a sex addiction. Maybe I am just more scared of the label than anything.

Then don't put a label on it. Labels don't matter unless they happen to be helpful. (And they're not often helpful for me because once I put a label on something, it creates the illusion that I understand it.) What matters is whether or not it's healthy, and from what you wrote, you seem pretty sure that it's not.


Resolute Husband

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013
ResoluteH
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Member # 39673
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I'm fucked either way
1) Tell my wife about them (which she demands) and kill our relationship
2) Don't tell my wife about them and if I get caught kill our relationship

I don't know. You'll get lots of advice that says you should reveal absolutely everything, and there's much wisdom in that, at least when it comes to behavior. When it comes to thoughts and feelings, I'm not so sure. (Others are invited to disagree with me because I meant that literally - I'm really not sure either way.) One thing I am fairly sure about for me, and that's that my thoughts and feelings are my own, and it's my decision whether to share them with anyone. It may or may not be good for your marriage to share those particular thoughts and feelings with your spouse, but, in my opinion, you shouldn't be forced to do it and you definitely shouldn't promise to do it if you're not going to.

I could be wrong, but it seems to me the most important question is whether it is helpful to you to share your thoughts and feelings with your wife. And by "helpful to you" I mean that it helps you to become a healthier person, not whether it makes you uncomfortable. I think this is your shit, and I think we have to deal with our own shit ourselves. We don't have to do it alone, but we have to do it ourselves. If sharing with your wife causes you to lose your marriage but gain a healthy you, would it be worth it to you? If sharing with your wife causes you to lose your marriage and you don't gain a healthy you, would it be worth it to you? I think most of us would say "yes" to the first question, but for the second question, there would probably be some who say "yes, because I will know that I did everything my wife asked me to do," but there will probably be others who say no because I would rather refuse to do something my wife asks me to do if it does not help me become a healthy person.

If you are going to share with your wife, a more nuanced question is, when are you going to share with your wife? Immediately? Maybe. After you've had a chance to discuss a fantasy with your counselor and you feel more confident in your understanding of what's going on inside you? Maybe. By the way, that latter approach might be a compromise for you and your wife -- yes, I'll tell you about my fantasies, but I'll pick the time when I do it.

One final point -- your counselor has a good point about beating yourself up. Guilt and shame can sometimes be helpful motivators, but for me, not in the long run.


But that's only my opinion, and I change my opinions with some degree of frequency. Take it for what it's worth and use it however you see fit.

[This message edited by ResoluteH at 12:14 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


Resolute Husband

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013
mrmarx
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Member # 38357
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've thought about this a lot. I do want to change it. I just think there is too much pressure in me doing so. I went to my pyscologist a few months ago determined to stop, and I asked how to stop I didn't want to think of people sexually in that way. But he said if I did that I wouldn't even notice my own wife, it's a matter of stopping them. Since then I feel clueless on how to stop them from actually happening. I can stop them about halfway through but no more than that. I have good days and bad days.

Thanks for your reply ResolouteH

I would rather refuse to do something my wife asks me to do if it does not help me become a healthy person.

But this is so far off the mark it's crazy. There are far more options then those two. I had stopped even sharing the fantasies with my pyscologist. Also I think it's a matter of respect to my wife who has let me do a lot of things that from what I've read other betrayed spouses haven't. This in combination with passwords is pretty much the only thing she has asked for. I still go to the place where I did the wrong thing on a daily basis, I still see one of the whores every week. Today even I'm going to same place, with the same people where my wife really figured out about the cheating. So although I might not come accross as grateful as I should be about her I really am

It's an issue of protecting my wife: I know if I don't tell my wife I won't get better. She's the only one I can be honest with. If I can't even really be honest with my pyscologist about getting better. The problem is the effect that it has on her, I need her to be a happier person.

Also to be honest she does handle them quite well, she very rarely brings them up in an argument. But I feel the distance more between us, I don't know how else to explain it

Edited to add: wow I guess maybe that's why part of me doesn't want to get better. Because I can only do it with my wife knowing about them and I can tell it's really upsetting her.

[This message edited by mrmarx at 9:05 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


Christ what a year!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Aus
1DumbHusband
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Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Understandably no one wants to be labeled let alone be labeled as a sex addict. However, your actions and behaviors fit the definition. For me, going online and watching porn, fantasizing about other women, and such were all forms of "acting out" behaviors. I am still new to the whole SA thing, but a lot of it makes sense. I also started reading about it. I think you'll be surprised and relieved if you do some reading and introspection. Only then can you address the real problems that bother you and begin to work to fix them. For me, I used to think there was nothing wrong with my online activities. Now I know how detrimental they are and how they can escalate and progress if I don't rid them from my own life. I wish you the best in your search!


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
mrmarx
♂ New Member
Member # 38357
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1dumbhusband: I think you're right I should at least investigate it. I think my wife thinks I'm at the lower spectrum.

I'll ask her to bring some info home from her friend who is a director of mental health at a hospital (an RN).

Also I'm wondering if you're a diagnosed SA, just because an DSM4 manual states symptoms doesn't mean you are one. I can't explain too much more than that because my wife is the one who is educated in that area.

But all that aside, apart from SA meetings what resources have you found useful? Thankyou very much by the way. I am grateful even if it doesn't come across as such


Christ what a year!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Aus
Topic Posts: 13

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