It got us talking again but the same outcome resulted. I've tried everything to help her. I'm trying to help her ease her mind and grasping at straws to do it. I guess in the end what did I expect? I had an A. The end.
I would find one straight away bc making things up to satisfy her is not exactly a good plan in order to R.
On a personal note, my fWH expressed to his dad 4 to 6 weeks post DDay that it was as if I wasn't noticing his efforts. HE was frustrated!
His dad told him, "LA's bucket is empty. It's up to you to fill it. Every day, you put something in her bucket and drop by drop she will begin to noticed your efforts."
But you can't fill the bucket with lies. Again...MC.
We tried MC in the beginning. I've tried to get her to go back but she doesn't want to.
[This message edited by Sam793 at 11:21 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]
Have you put together a detailed timeline:
Have you gone through all of your calendars, phones, apps with messaging capability, email, blackberry, voicemail? gone through your charge card records and check book and bank statements for money spent on the OP? journals or notebooks or what have you where you jotted down your thoughts?
Have you written out, to the **very best** of your memory, how you *felt* on the different occasions when you called, emailed, texted, met with, talked to, etc. the OP?
Have you noted on the timeline whether you met with the OP in public, where you went and what you did, and did anyone you know see you? go to an event with OP and any of your friends? take your kids along? send pix of your kids to the OP?
Did you and your OP share any special songs? share a special book? have a special place? give each other gifts? do you have any notes or cards or gifts from your OP? (ask your W if she wants them kept, or should you destroy them? and I mean, hack crush or burn -- seriously.)
Have you gone back and added to your timeline when you remember some detail, however small?
I will tell you that I was especially pissed off that I had to either drag this info out of my H, or dig it up on my own. I just about went off the deep end when he told me that he didn't tell me X because it didn't seem important, or because he didn't want to upset me, or because he knew I would "take it the wrong way." It took for-ev-er to get him to understand that omitting info = lying. Please learn from my H's mistakes -- get it all out there. Every bit. No lying. No omitting. No just a part of the story. No embellishing.
Good luck to you. It's beastly hard for both of you, and no guarantee that telling the whole truth will get you to R. Not telling the whole truth, however, is a really good way to kill R before it even gets going.
Keep on trying!
Just tell the truth. Be patient. Her heart is on the floor. And for goodness sake, don't make anything up to appease her. I am sorry MC is out for her right now. Try again in a few weeks. For now, I recommend IC for you
As for the bucket thing...5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a good place to start.
Good luck, Sam.
She had her own thoughts about the A which she has expressed. I decided to just admit to what she thought and not what happened so I had a better chance at R.
My wife repeatedly denied certain aspects of her affair, even to the point of telling me that she would just admit them anyway if that would help us move on. But she stopped short of admitting them. Later, under the threat of a polygraph, she confessed the truth. It was exactly as I thought all along.
She may be sensing that you are lying or withholding info. If you're not, it could just be that she simply doesn't trust you. If you are in fact minimizing or lying, I strongly encourage you to get it all out there, now. You can't R until she feels like she has the whole story.