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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: This morning...
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reconciliation is not for the faint of heart. My W complained about beating her up about it but this is what they signed up for. Reconciliation is remorse for their actions and being sorry that their decisions haunt our minds and make us think about it daily.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Dr? Have there been tests done? Be careful about just taking this diagnosis at face value without proper testing.

I have not gone through any testing. She is just basing it on my past mood swings/anger issues/self harm/addiction :-(((


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he is doing everything that I've asked him, we have full transparency and I can tell he is putting in an effort (in his way). I don't like his reactions. I think they are abrasive, rude , and oftentimes feel cruel. I can tell he wants me to be over this badly and so do I, but it's kinda hard to do when the thoughts just don't go away.

This scares the crap out of me, because my situation is nearly identical. He was doing well for about a week - then we had a blow-up the other night. He reacted to my trigger with hostility. He apologized the next day, but it felt a little like abuse. You can't beat the shit out of me and expect "sorry" a day later to make everything ok.

I dunno, Crazy. Stay strong. We're all here for you. ::hugs::


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Undone1
♀ Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crazyblindsided,

I understand that you don't feel supported when your H cannot react to your trigger without understanding or compassion. Our MC says that my H does not have the same capacity for emotional ups and downs as I do. I have this on my mind 24/7 and he doesn't. He has learned to compartmentalize his feelings. When I continue to bring up the A or ask questions, he sometimes struggles.

A different perspective for you to consider: Do you think this is a communication issue? Thru marriage counseling I have learned that my H processes emotions differently than I do and I have learned that when he is tired/down/not feeling good about himself he does not do a good job of handling my trigger. When he says "I just can't do this right now" I know that he is overwhelmed in a sense. He is not used to dealing with emotions in general and has obviously found unhealthy ways to escape from them. In MC we are learning how to communicate how we each need to be comforted during stressful times.

This has been very helpful to deal with this sort of thing in MC. It has been so much better for the two of us to understand each others needs.


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A different perspective for you to consider: Do you think this is a communication issue? Thru marriage counseling I have learned that my H processes emotions differently than I do and I have learned that when he is tired/down/not feeling good about himself he does not do a good job of handling my trigger. When he says "I just can't do this right now" I know that he is overwhelmed in a sense. He is not used to dealing with emotions in general and has obviously found unhealthy ways to escape from them. In MC we are learning how to communicate how we each need to be comforted during stressful times.

Yep you nailed it Undone1. My IC keeps saying that everything I am trying to bring in to her is a MC related issue and she cannot really help me with it. I believe it is a communication issue for sure.

We tried MC before I knew his 'friendship' was EA/PA and I was cast as crazy and losing my mind by both my WH and the MC and I have been scarred from that experience. I am willing to give MC another shot. My WH is a go too we just need to make an appt.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His anger is an inappropriate response to the lack of trust he's left you with.

I'm going to suggest something radically different that others haven't. In my own personal experiences and experiences with others I have found one fairly solid truth.

ANGER IS A FEAR RESPONSE

I'm not going to get into his reaction in front of the children or his childish behaviour, enough has been said about that, however, what I see is a man who is terrified. The real question is, What is he scared of?

Is he scared of facing himself and his own shame?

Is he scared that your ongoing "obsession" with the affair means you are on the fence about staying together and R? (I'm a BH so I know all about obsessing. It seems to be all I ever think about, day in and day out.)

I would say that you should try and approach it like that. Sit down with him and pour some tea, make sure the kids are in bed and simply open the conversation with "Most often anger is a fear response. You were really upset the other day. I'm wondering if you are afraid of something and you can share that with me."

Anyway... take it or leave it. If you think I'm full of poo then feel free to disregard what I've said, I won't get angry! ;-)


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years
2nd OM: Local Realtek and serial cheater on his pregnant wife.

Posts: 223 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mrcpu you bring up a great point. My WH is terrified of being alone. His father passed away, his mom had her first stroke at 55 and is now in a home permanently, and his sister has gone off the deep end. Most of his friends now are superficial because of his business and I have been with him since our early 20's. I have been the rock for my WH our whole M. He told me everytime I bring up the A it scares him that I am going to leave him. He tells me that he would be nothing without me, that life would mean nothing. I felt bad for him.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry but I am calling BS. He is playing victim. That is not ok. He can be scared to be alone, he needs to figure out why he can't be happy alone, and why alone scares him. Then fix that. It's not your job to take abuse because "he's afraid". Sorry he shoulda thought of that before he had an A.

I also disagree that he gets to be rude because he communicates differently. OK he may, but he also needs to put on his big boy pants, and empathize with where you are and why you are there. He wants to R, as long as you don't ask questions, or make him look long and hard at the grief he has caused you.

This may seem like a 2x4 but really, whatever the reason, it's not ok for him to be mean, abusive, or angry with you....He needs to work that out on his own.
Just like you need to get strong for you. It sounds like you are both a bit toward the codependent side, and that makes it very hard to recover, but it can be done.
I guess I see a lot of myself, and that is why I get so angry for you when he responds the way he does.

((((and strength ))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8229 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. If I surprise him with A-related questions/comments, he feels ambushed and becomes defensive. If I ask, instead, for him to tell me when he's ready to have another conversation, he's emotionally "prepared."

If he were still fully engulfed in the fog, that may not work--he could get his lies in order. But now that we've had several productive (and some marathon) communication sessions under our belt and now that he's obviously trying to make changes, the warning helps him to control his negative responses better.

Two other things help me accept this method. One, when he wanted to talk to me (what became the confession/reconciliation convo), he let me know he wanted to chat and let me pick a good time for me. So in this sense, he played "fair." Two, whenever I ask for this, I've never waited for more than a day or two. It's usually that same day.

Because their betrayals were so painful and so devastating, it seems hard to concede anything. But I DO want to save and repair my M. The only way to do that is to give him the tools he needs to help me and to be a full participant. For 4 or 5 months, he wasn't wholly engaged. But this past month, I've seen a complete about face. It's as if HE's the one to have made a 180. So, whatever I did (I've been gentle but firm, truthful but composed. And always loving.)? It's working. :)


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 446 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tushnurse just wanted to say my WH has always played the victim. It is HIS role. I agree that he needs to own his behavior just like I have had to own mine.

I don't want to believe that I am co-dep because my mom always was and I swore I would never be like her. Guess I need to look into this.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:41 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Topic Posts: 30
Pages: 1 · 2

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