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User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 13
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

K, dammit, enough JD to vent a little. I really DO NOT want to discourage anyone from R. I know how to get rid of the inner dialogue. Cost me $50k time before last, but I got custody of my son. I have no inner dialogue about my ex. I just don't wanna go there again!

How did/do you decide she's worth it? I know it's personal to me, as to how much I can stand, but really? Hate to be so cliché, but is this as good as it gets?

BTW, yep, I'm trying my ass off for R. I want this to work this time.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2068 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
flup
♂ Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! The menz in this thread sure do something interesting things for a living. Do you have any hot stewardess stories to relate?

I wish (now) that I could say I did! Kinda... Sorta... But that would put me in the mad-hatter's thread. This one is way cooler. The strange thing is that since my DDay, I've lost 40 pounds and am pretty damn hot for my age - modestly speaking - and I get flirted with about three times a month from 40- something divorcee flight attendants (it's somewhat passé' to refer to them as 'stewardesses, btw... I digress).

The amount of infidelity in the airline industry is staggering - and disappointing. I've become of the opinion that anyone in the industry should only be married to someone else in the industry, so they truly understand and value fidelity. But, no, I married a hair dresser/neighborhood trollop.

I HAVE had some great alcohol-induced layovers with crews in various places that were a great deal of fun and flirting, but I never crossed the line to doing the horizontal mambo.

One great looking blond has been hitting on me heavily lately, and it's difficult to resist - she knows that I'm the BS - as is she.

I know it would be wrong, but there's the guy on the other shoulder telling me "What's the problem? She fucked other guys while you we're away paying the bills... You deserve this!"

I just can't do it... So why do I feel like a sissy for not doing it?


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 2:25 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She want me to be faithful and requires it when she was not

In one of her recent late-night break downs she actually said "The ironic thing about all this is I've just been waiting for the day I would come home to find you with someone else. And you've never done anything, or even gave me a single reason to think that you would." She admitted that it was almost like a obsessive daydream because she couldn't imagine someone actually being fully committed to her. Its real comforting to know that from the day we got married she's just been waiting for me to step out, especially when she knows I never would, just not in my character. Not sure how much of that was her insecurities and low self-esteem, and how much was watching a mother who couldn't keep her legs closed for strange more than a few years into a committed relationship. Like that shit is what should be considered normal. I have no doubt that she expects me to stay but she wouldn't be able to if the tables were turned, she's just too jealous. I get in trouble for talking to other women in her dreams, god forbid if it happens in reality.

I know how to get rid of the inner dialogue

That would be the easier route, emotion-wise anyway. I've told her so, she doesn't like it when I remind her of it.

I am an all in or all out kind of a guy while my FWW is not passionate about anything

Amen to this. I would bet a large percentage of us men here are "all-in" type of people when it comes to relationships; I am. On the other hand she's not passionate about anything either. I can't name a single hobby she enjoys to do in her spare time. Seriously can't think of anything. I find it odd. Well maybe talking on the phone, that's about it though.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 426 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Mr. Kite
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Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, NO, it does not go away.

One of the positives I got out of this nightmare is that years ago I began to study how to better control my thoughts. The mind movies were literally driving me crazy. The brain is a fascinating instrument, sort of like a computer with a hard drive.

Neuroplasticity is the study of how the brain actually can be altered depending on the thoughts we think. Rather than bore you all with the details, here is a link for the google search on that subject. There is hope.
https://www.google.com/#fp=5a438696b5b654db&q=neuroplasticity

It's not complicated. When you hear a song in your head, over and over again, how do you get rid of it? You think of another song that you like and replace it. Do that long enough and the brain tissue actually changes. For any of you that read the Bible, it's there in Philippians 4:8

I know it would be wrong, but there's the guy on the other shoulder telling me "What's the problem? She fucked other guys while you we're away paying the bills... You deserve this!"

I just can't do it... So why do I feel like a sissy for not doing it?

Integrity sometimes feels like that.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just the embedded humiliation and shame of being beaten by a girl

There it is, plain and simple.
That is why it is under-reported, and also why it took me two years of being here to admit it - and isn't that a twist?
As if I had the shit to own in that scenario.

I'm sure the images I grew up with had a lot to do with it too. I mean, when John Wayne got slapped, that was the girl he'd more often than not - ride off into the sunset with.

why do I feel like a sissy for not doing it?

Just guessing, maybe it's the power of said images, seeking mastery...because you know the opposite is the truer thing. (not a sissy, at all.)
Someone posted a good poem @ the "Man in the Mirror" awhile back. Applies I think. Strengthening. Inspiring to better.
Like
Good, better, best.
Never let it rest.
Till the good is better,
and the better's best.

I get in trouble for talking to other women in her dreams

Truly, a FTN situation.
It's not that you're in trouble.
It's that she's troubled.

Reminds me of the wacky, abusive vitriol I had to endure when I was asked; "Are you ever tempted?"
C'mon all you EUro peons, what's the correct answer?
That's right boys!
*mumblemumblemumble*

I stumbled on another fine post (Platinum), that I had forgotten...it speaks to me now, in terms of "42", so I hope you don't mind the recopy of it. I think there's things in here for more than just a few of us....

______________________________


How can a person be so broken as to turn their back on their own happiness?

Everyone wants to be loved. People who, at their very core, don't believe they deserve anything good will use whatever method necessary to draw good things into their lives, then destroy those good things because they don't believe they deserve it.

Can you imagine the emotional anguish a person like that lives with all the time???

They don't love themselves, so they seek love that comes from outside themselves. They crave it SO badly, they need it more than AIR, and they'll do WHATEVER they have to get it (lie, cheat, steal, manipulate.)

But when they get what they want most, the paradox begins... acquiring such love only highlights for them their deficiencies (real or perceived). The very presence of such love is a constant reminder that they're not worthy of it. The more pure and ferocious the love they receive, the more it draws attention to their belief they're not worthy of it, and the less they can tolerate its presence in their lives.

Our love is a source of exquisite pain for them.

How would you feel if you were a simple uneducated peasant, and the people of a small country thought you were more than that - and crowned you Royalty? You'd feel like a fraud, right? If you accepted that role, knowing you weren't qualified, you'd be terrified of being "found out"... every moment of every day would be a reminder that you are NOT royalty... that you shouldn't be enjoying the riches of this country... that you didn't deserve the adoration and loyalty bestowed on you by its people. In your mind, these people made a huge mistake and gave you a position you didn't deserve.
How long do you think you could live with that kind of pressure?
See what I mean?

We loved our partners well.

After a while, they simply couldn't stand the pain it caused them and they destroyed it. They had to annihilate the source of adoration and service that kept poking at their awareness. In most cases, this is not consciously done - the pain they felt caused them, compelled them actually, without their understanding, “drove them” to eventually seek relief, and the way they've always felt better is to go out and get more love! (or just “go” – abandon the external “source” of pain).
See...the discomfort they feel because of the presence of love is an opportunity... it SHOULD motivate them to go deeper INTO the discomfort and figure out WHY they feel so distressed when they're loved well. This is their chance to heal very deep wounds - to plug up the holes in their souls.

But many of them don't go beyond the discomfort stage. Avoiding pain at all cost is the knee jerk reaction most people have. They simply do whatever they have to do to make the pain stop. The short term solution they come up with doesn't SOLVE the root problem, it only gives temporary relief from the discomfort and ensures they will go through this pain and destruction again and again and again.

This was never about you not being good enough to fight for, and ALL about their self-loathing and inability to feel worthy of a gift such as yourself.
They had an opportunity for greatness with you. They simply couldn't find it in themselves to address the issues that cause them to destroy the goodness in their lives.

It's unfortunate that WE wind up as collateral damage when their lives blow up... but we’ve gained SO much as a result of all this. I didn't ask for any of this, but I can't completely resent the part I've played in this drama.
I chose to use the pain of his betrayal as the motivator to dig deep within myself and find my weaknesses, mistaken beliefs, and deficiencies... As I fix them, I plug up the holes in my own soul, and I'm filled to overflowing.
I'm rich - not in the material realm, but within myself.

Show yourself the love, honor, and respect you deserve by detaching from them and getting as far away from the blast zone as possible.
They don’t WANT to be saved...they don't even believe they’re worthy of that.

When we get to grieving over how they didn't fight for us... that we couldn't get them to see how valuable our love was... how valuable we are... that even though we used every bit of our considerable heart, strength, and intelligence to "save them", we failed...
well, that's our ego screaming for external validation.
That's the "little me" keeping the focus on my failure and perceived deficiencies, and my victim-hood (oh, boo-hoo... poor me... look how small and crushed and worthless I am!).
I'm allowing myself to be distracted from moving forward into the unknown, from fully expressing my power, and for taking responsibility for creating MY life.
It's at that point I realize I'm doing EXACTLY the same thing they are doing.


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's one for the weekend
I usually don't post videos but I wanted to be a good wingman
My new favorite
Enjoy


Check out this video on YouTube:

http://youtu.be/zwT6DZCQi9k


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW is constantly asking if I'm talking to other women now. Obsessing over names.
I guess cheating induces paranoia. Not so much for a revenge A but that there is nothing left for me to see in her. That someone else will make me happy where I can start again with a woman who hasn't betrayed me.
I haven't been proud of my wife. I don't post pictures of her with my kids and I. I can't brag about her. I used to all of the time about many things. I can't. I find myself stopping myself when I even try to mention her name. It's hard to say "my wife"
Because no matter what good I can say can always be followed with " your wife fucked other people"
So when your wife fears YOU leaving for someone else, I find I cannot comfort her, make her feel at ease. I can't say " there there honey bunny snuggle muffin, it's only you and it will always be you. Your the only person I love or will ever love"
Nope. I'm more like yeah women are interested. Am I the only one who is supposed to be exclusive to us? And as long as I'm married that is not an option.
Sal said it. Next time you decide not to be exclusive let me in on it.
I also view it as another tactic to put us on the defensive.
I respond by saying, what are you going to do if I did? I don't have to hide it or be sneaky about it like you were. I don't have to be.
But I'm not like that. I wouldn't cheat. Lie or betray. I don't get off crushing other people's feelings. I have felt that urge, I won't lie, but it doesn't do anyone any good.
There is a lot to the explanation by JJ above in reference to a WW's low self esteem and not feeling good enough. Lots of talented Menz on this thread.
They feel they aren't good enough. I've heard my WW say that before. I've had to soothe her. Sure your good enough baby, were equals. Partners. I go to work and you take care of the castle. One can't exist without the other.
Obviously it didn't have any effect. She still blew our marriage up.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sal1995
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Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They feel they aren't good enough.

jjct, B444, you guys are on to something. Our MC said that early in our sessions:
"Mrs. Sal1995, I don't think you feel that you deserve Sal 1995."

I found that to be a bit puzzling at the time. She doesn't think she deserves to be married to me? Seems to me she feels like she deserves me and a fling at the same time. Classic cake eating.

But I get it now. She started to resent my love years before the affair happened. It's subconscious self-sabotage. jjct's post was really eye-opening.

The question is, how does someone go from that warped mindset to a mindset that allows them to be a safe partner for life?


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
flup
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Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't been proud of my wife. I don't post pictures of her with my kids and I. I can't brag about her. I used to all of the time about many things. I can't. I find myself stopping myself when I even try to mention her name. It's hard to say "my wife"
Because no matter what good I can say can always be followed with " your wife fucked other people"
So when your wife fears YOU leaving for someone else, I find I cannot comfort her, make her feel at ease. I can't say " there there honey bunny snuggle muffin, it's only you and it will always be you. Your the only person I love or will ever love"

Word. Exactly the same for me also. Wow.


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Loved your post, jjct. That, with some Dream Theater cranked up in the background and a hot cup of coffee made my morning. Good shit. Thank you.

Posts: 4549 | Registered: Dec 2010
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone who is willingly and lovingly parenting kids that are not biologically theirs as their own automatically have a special place in my heart, so you can add that one to your list, too.
Agreed. My sister-in-law is 25 with four kids, and when she had the third one at like age 21, we offered to adopt her, as she was struggling with the two she already had. No dice. Now? 25 years old, four kids, no fathers really in the picture. My parents took care of a few of my cousins growing up, seemed to be a good thing.
I am an all in or all out kind of a guy while my FWW is not passionate about anything... not sure if it's related to infidelity or just an observation.
Same here. One of my wife’s complaints was that I would throw myself headlong into hobbies, that I wasn’t happy unless I had something going on, I was never content to just sit at home with her and my son. To a degree I did tend to go overboard, but I know myself well enough to know that I need hobbies in order to feel happy and balanced. I do softball some summers, indoor soccer some winters, even looked for a ongoing D&D group to join with no luck.
On the other hand she's not passionate about anything either. I can't name a single hobby she enjoys to do in her spare time. Seriously can't think of anything. I find it odd. Well maybe talking on the phone, that's about it though.
Again, same here. I actively encouraged her to get a hobby. Find some fun shit to keep life in perspective and have some fun and camaraderie, expand your social circle to people outside our coworker group of 18-29 year old train-wrecked whores. I told her that I thought we should do like a dinner party with other married (or at least committed) couples our age because we needed friends in the same place in life as us…her response? “I don’t think I like that.” Her hobbies at that point consisted of drinking, watching shows featuring shows with immoral, vapid people, and then gushing about the shows to her friends. Unfortunately, she did *eventually* find a hobby, and I was *not* a fan of…as I’m sure you all agree.
I get in trouble for talking to other women in her dreams, god forbid if it happens in reality.
This, 1000x.

Two other things:

1- Does it bother anyone else (either now or before) if their wife watches TV shows wherein the (primary) source of entertainment is people lying, backstabbing and cheating on each other? I always thought those shows were dumb before, but it didn't bug me really....but now when my wife watches them I cannot help but think "Really? You already know how this story ends." I mean, on those shows, the girl cheats because the dude is an asshole, her cheating helps him to realize his assholeness, she forgive him, he forgives her, they get back together, the end.

I realize that I am investing way too much energy into this topic, and that those are just diversions, but man...it annoys the piss out of me. I mean, I watch "Breaking Bad", but I've never been a meth-dealer, you know? And I feel like that show at least demonstrates the toll the lifestyle takes on Walt and Jesse. Where's the special episode of the Kardashians or Real Housewives show that feature them getting STD testing or paternity testing or any of the other real-life consequences...*exhale*

2- How have you guys dealt with the whole FOM (Friend-Of-Marriage) issue? Because so far I feel like this another double standard area...if I was the one who cheated, I'd be expected to give up any friends who knew about it...it'd be considered an untenable situation....but when a husband says "Hey, THAT person? Not comfortable with them." we get called controlling or abusive.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2- How have you guys dealt with the whole FOM (Friend-Of-Marriage) issue? Because so far I feel like this another double standard area...if I was the one who cheated, I'd be expected to give up any friends who knew about it...it'd be considered an untenable situation....but when a husband says "Hey, THAT person? Not comfortable with them." we get called controlling or abusive.

I have some input on this one.

As a bit of background, I'm basically a cuckold. Not in the ha-ha fetish sort of way, but in the way where you look up the term on wikipedia and it really sucks to be me sort of way. When d-day came, I basically learned how much of a fool I was, and so many people knew before I knew. People who I thought were friends and acquaintances.

I remember sitting on the couch in our living room with my wife about three months past d-day talking about "who knew". My gut fell to the floor about 10 minutes into the conversation when the tally was up to twelve. By the time we finished our conversation, it was at least 20 people that knew.

Most of those people are completely out of our lives now. Fuck them.

The only people that are still in our lives are the people that I am comfortable with having in our lives. Is that controlling? Absolutely! It's controlling of my own life, and I have every damn right to that.

One of the women that is a long time friend to both my wife and I is still in our lives. She has quite a history, too. She knew about my wife's affair long before I did. She was formerly an OW who was in a LTA with a married man. She kept telling my wife, "This is going to bring you nothing but hurt. You need to quit." This person eventually got married, cheated on, and is now in an OC situation. She's been on both sides of the equation. Funny thing is, the main reason she is still on my mental list of "FOM" (Friends Of the Marriage, sure, but more Friends Of ME), is when she ran into my wife in a restaurant with the OM, this woman gave POSOM such a glare that he got nervous and spilled ketchup all over his shirt. I thought that was awesome.

So, long story short, you do not have to tolerate people in your life that aren't friends of the marriage, and not friends of you. Fuck them. Even if it is family, sometimes a family tree needs trimming. If it's viewed as controlling, so be it. You have every right to control your life.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 12:42 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]


Posts: 4549 | Registered: Dec 2010
Ascendant
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Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. I really think a big part of my issue is the whole idea of "You have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it." I just haven't reached that "just don't give a fuck", point-of-no-return yet. Part of me is still afraid that if I am clear about stuff like this being a deal-breaker, then she's going to just be like "Fuck it, whatever. Peace." I mean, certain things I am crystal clear about: NC with POSER, for example. But with things that are, I dunno, 'lesser' transgressions going nuclear seems to be going overboard, even while I know it the back of my head that it's the only card I really have to play.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really think a big part of my issue is the whole idea of "You have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it." I just haven't reached that "just don't give a fuck", point-of-no-return yet.

That's really scary territory to tread, but I think we all get there eventually. We all have our breaking points. For me, and I'm trying to remember the dates correctly, but it was almost a year out from d-day. My wife decided to unblock OM, one of his daughters, and one of his other affair partners from facebook. She didn't contact him. She was just "looking". Making sure he wasn't "talking smack" about us. Fact is, OM was still in her head, and I was fucking devastated.

I confronted my wife about this, and she basically had the attitude of "I'm an adult, I can look at this shit if I want, I'm not contacting him, and you can't control what I look at." And all of those are very valid arguments. I didn't know how to counter that.

So I brought this issue to my therapist, thinking she would brush it aside, but when I told her, her jaw fucking hit the floor. I think it took a couple of seconds for my therapist to even grasp this and stammer out the words, "This is completely unacceptable. You don't have to put up with this."

So it got to the point where I basically told my wife that her looking at OM and his FFA (my acronym for the people in his life, the "Fat Fuck Association") is like having a scrapbook of him that she keeps in the computer room. I told her she can have it, but I don't have to put up with it. Go ahead and keep that. I'm gone.

That conversation woke my wife up, but at the same time, that conversation was not about waking my wife up, it was about me taking control of myself, and letting go of the outcome. It was a pivotal day.

This is my first time sharing this, outside of my wife and my therapist. Feels good to get it out, and at the same time, I hope it helps.


Posts: 4549 | Registered: Dec 2010
slater13
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Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being controlling and setting boundaries are not to be mistaken. At 3 months I asked my wife to cut ties with everyone that knew before me. It included one of her best and frankly only friends. But she did it and she understood why. She even sent them a NC letter and explained why. Our MC supported this as well.

The tricky part was I think her mom knew. I couldn't prove it so I let it go, but man if I could have I may have asked her to go NC with her mom. Can't stand her anyway.

About 2 weeks after Dday I had a private conversation with her mom- she basically told me there was no reason ever for our kids to know. I told her if my Fww didn't want people to know she shouldnt have done it. Now I don't plan on telling our young kids, but my guess is they will find out one day. Still fires me up to think about that talk.


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah - that post spoke to me - but FTR, it was another poster's. Sorry I didn't make that clear!
(It was long ago, and they are no longer here - get Platinum! )
Anyway, I'm thinking that the patterns are fairly common - especially to abuse-survivors, and need to be addressed, otherwise they're bound to rear the uglyhead.

Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
mike7
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Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey dudes. there's a guy up in jfo that needs some help. he's really fresh. he beat the shit out of the guy who banged his wife for a year. Now, of course, people are talking about anger issues, etc. and he's a little defensive.

if any of you wise brothers could help him out a bit, it would be great.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the heads up mike - that's a rough one.

Losfer, glad you got that out there. It's a damn good point to not accept the labels (the false narratives), and turn them around.
I like the way you turned it around.


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
stilllovingher
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Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it would be wrong, but there's the guy on the other shoulder telling me "What's the problem? She fucked other guys while you we're away paying the bills... You deserve this!"

I just can't do it... So why do I feel like a sissy for not doing it?


Integrity sometimes feels like that.

Integrity isn't about NOT having demons, it's about having the balls to stand up to those demons.
We ALL have thoughts, but it is the weak that let themselves be controlled by them.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
Uhtred
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Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me start by introducing myself. I'm 32 years old and my wife is 33 years old. I've known her since the fifth grade. We started officially dating when high school ended. We we're a match made in heaven. Everyone always thought we were perfect together.
We have two beautiful boys together one is 6 and the other 3. My wife almost finished her degree but put it on hold since she had gotten pregnant the first time. She chose to stay at home with our children. We discussed it and she wanted to stay with them until they both started school.

Fast forward to the present time and we've found ourselves in a situation as old as time itself. We're not rich by any means but we live very comfortable. I make a decent living and do a lot of side work for extra cash. My wife began going dancing with her mom and dad because they belong to a dance group (Two Step, Waltz, Polka) type dancing. She asked if I minded if she started going with them. I told her no problem because a few nights after work I teach Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Mixed Martial Arts and could not make the event. I get paid for teaching and have been training for the past 10 years. I figured what was the worst that could happen since she was with her mom and dad. I was so wrong for making this assumption.

Her mom and dad have a lot of friends that attend the functions as well. I've taken off to go as well but just not regularly. The wife had gained some weight with our second son but soon lost it just prior to wanting to go dancing with her parents. We hired a personal trainer for her and she did so good (the weight wasn't an issue to me). I have always been a romantic and given her praise and encouragement like a husband should do for his wife. To the point where my friends would make fun of the way I treated her. I call her sweetheart and my children also have called her sweetheart since the day they began speaking. That is her name to us. They do not call her mom, just Sweetheart.

Her mother and father are friends with a couple and We've known them very well for the past ten years. I always thought they were nice people. The husband dances with my wife occasionally, she tells me along with her dancing with her father and other older men in the group.

I begin to get suspicious of her behavior for about a year after the dancing shenanigans started. She is crying a lot more often than she used to, showing signs of depression etc etc.. always using her phone. FYI my wife had never dated or had sex with anyone prior to our marriage.

A year passes and DDay comes along April 29, 2013. We're laying on the couch together while the kids stayed the night at my in-laws. She flips her phone open for a moment and I catch a glimpse out of the corner of my eye, she flips the phone upside down quickly. I lay there for a moment and then calmly ask her what it was and she said it was an spam email. I lay there getting more and more angry because my heart is breaking all at the same time. I demand the phone from her and find a years worth of texts, emails, and photographs. At first all I see is a few nude photos of her. She tried to take the phone from me and said " why can't you let me surprise you"? She was pretending that she was going to send those to me (she used to do this from time to time)a long time ago. I wasn't buying it so I began prying and found all of the evidence I needed to fit the crime. It is my in-law's good friend that she's having the affair with. He's 54 and married, I've sat and ate dinner with them on many occasions, even while this affair was taking place. The man has looked me square in the eye and shaken my hand. I was blindsided that it was him of all people. A man old enough to be her father and who had grandchildren the same age as our children.

I go into a rage and burn her wedding dress, all wedding photos, take her wedding ring and crush it with some pliers. AS you can tell I have a little temper problem. I texted the man from her phone and asked what him what he was doing. He replies back that he was at home and couldn't talk because his wife was nearby. I load the wife up in my truck and start making the trek to the man's house pistol in tote. My wife is hysterically apologizing to me for all of the pain she's caused but it's falling on deaf ears. I call my mother in law with whom I'm very close to because she has our kids staying with her and my father in law. I told her what was going on and she starts sobbing in disbelief. I asked her to keep the kids for a few extra days and not to tell her father until I get all of this figured out.

We finally make it to the man's house and my father in law is in the drive way drinking a beer with his "buddy". They see me hauling up the long winding road to his house and the man takes off running toward his house and my father in law is standing there dumbfounded. I pull up and get out and he says "what in the hell is going on" I get out and run the man down and tackle him.

I proceeded to beat this man within an inch of his life, he has a broken arm and ankle, multiple lacerations on his head from eating my elbows. I finally stop because my father in law grabbed me and said to stop or I was going to kill him and go to prison for manslaughter. I stopped for a moment and the man was writhing around on the ground in pain , probably from the broken bones. At one point he tries to get up and I give him an uppercut and his teeth bury into my knuckle. I've got blood pouring from my hand now. The man's wife comes outside while I'm way laying her husband and she knows instantly why I'm there and what this is about. I finally gain my composure and his wife is hugging me, sobbing, telling me this is the third time he has cheated on her. God was with me that day as no one called the law but he was taken to the hospital. I leave with my wife in tow even though I wanted to leave her with her father who is equally angry at her for what she has done to our family.

Fast forward a few weeks and my wife and I are trying to get all of this figured out. I develop a major infection from the cut in my finger. I finally go to the doctor and they send me to the hospital who in turn transferred me to Herman hospital downtown because the infection was so bad. They ended up removing my finger because I waited to long and the infection set into the bone. Now I'm left with a permanent reminder of the whole incident.

The wife and I are in counseling but I cannot seem to shake all the images and things that they were talking about via text and email. Things like how it would be great to start a new life over together and how perfect they were for each other. My wife claims that it was the attention he gave her that overwhelmed her and her need to feel desirable. No matter how many compliments I gave her she said it didn't do the same thing for her since she thought I had to say those things to her since I was her husband. Coming from someone else who didn't "owe" her anything meant so much more and it made her high so to speak. She has admitted to having some serious self esteem issues. I'm having a terrible time coping and trying to digest all of this. She has changed her number and gave me access to everything and shows genuine remorse or so I think but I can't seem to shake off the fact that she had sex with another man for a year behind my back while I was working so hard to maintain a comfortable lifestyle for my family and balance spending time with them as well. She claims if she could've gotten the attention without the sex that's what would've happened but yet their are emails and text messages from her to him of herself masturbating and saying she can't wait until they get to meet up. I'm so heartbroken and feel as if I'm the only person in this world that has been knocked down so low. I'm a fighter and have been knocked out a few times but this one has knocked me down for the count. Any help or words of encouragement are welcome. I know I'm not alone in this endeavor, that's why I'm hear. My condolences to all of the other broken hearted people trying to find the strength to continue on.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 415 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
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