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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 13
flup
♂ Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uhtred, I meant also to pat you on the back also and give you a man-hug. You've done what I think we all wanted to do - exact our own justice.

Please go easy on yourself - you done good by those here, I think.

Personally, I don't think there's a jury in the world (with a guy on it) that would convict you of beating his ass. I love Lee Marvin's line in "The Dirty Dozen" as he's talking to Charles Bronson's crime of killing a man running off with the unit's ammunition during a firefight - "... but, there's only one thing wrong with what you did. You let someone see you do it."

There's no sense worrying about what has already happened... it's past and it's history. If there's any fallout, you'll just deal with it as it comes. Relax, and roll with it.


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uhtred - I think you've found yourself a safe landing spot in the Men's thread. One thing you will consistently find here is a great amount of support.

With regards to how you beat the crap out of the OM, I'm not going to pat your back, and I'm not going to judge, either. It is what it is. You are dealing with things accordingly. I do feel really horrible that you lost your finger, though.

One of the reasons I can't judge is because I've woken up from a blind rage in my car halfway to OM's house with a baseball bat in the passenger seat and my wife on the phone begging me to turn around and come home. I think there is a big factor of luck that he is not dead and I am not in jail. I wish I could say this was an isolated incident, but I have had to be talked down many times. One thing that has helped me is working towards feelings of indifference towards OM. He's a turd floating in a pool, but he's not in my pool anymore. My pool is clean.

Anyway - I just wanted to give you a little bit of my background, and also wanted to check in with you. How are things going for you today?


Posts: 4555 | Registered: Dec 2010
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uhtred,

attaboy


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell i once knew of a guy who threw a brother out of a 4 story window just because the guy allegedly gave his wife a foot massage. Brother developed a speech impediment as a result of the fall.

[This message edited by Later at 5:02 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Years ago I read that human bites are very dangerous. One of the most dangerous among non venomous species in the entire animal kingdom. I thought that sounded kind of strange but Uhtred's story seems to confirm it. A human bite packs a ton of bacteria and will easily get infected if not treated.

While I wouldn't recommend Uhtred's course of action to anyone in our situation, his missing digit is a freakin' badge of honor in my book.

One of the problems I had with hunting down the OM (we've never met, I'm not sure where in this city he lives) was the thought that I would be putting my freedom and professional license at risk to defend the honor of a woman who purposefully stripped herself of whatever honor she had before the affair. How do you defend something that was gone 10 months before D Day? I think what Uhtred did, though, was defend his own honor. I respect the hell out of that.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal. Before dday I thought the same way as you. Why the hell would I fight over such a woman. But I think you touched on one reason I would love to confront the bastard, I actually shook the bastard's hand during the A. It's amazing how that additional disrespect will push you over the edge.

Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually shook the bastard's hand during the A. It's amazing how that additional disrespect will push you over the edge.

In my case, I would sit with the OM and drink my scotch with him in my house. I'd buy him a bottle of Gentleman Jack every year for his birthday, too. When we upgraded computers, I wiped and rebuilt our old one and gave it to him. This was the computer that he used to look at half naked pictures that my wife sent him.

If I were to see him, I honestly don't know how I would handle myself. I wish I could say I wouldn't get violent, but if I did, I'd be lying. I really am trying to work on that, though. It's hard. I'm pretty sure he's scared shitless of me, so I do take some comfort in that.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 5:36 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]


Posts: 4555 | Registered: Dec 2010
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell i once knew of a guy who threw a brother out of a 4 story window just because the guy allegedly gave his wife a foot massage. Brother developed a speech impediment as a result of the fall.

you know it, she knows it, fucking Marsellus knew it, and Antwan should have fucking better known better. I mean, that's his fucking wife, man. He ain't gonna have a sense of humor about this shit. You know what I'm saying?


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell i once knew of a guy who threw a brother out of a 4 story window just because the guy allegedly gave his wife a foot massage. Brother developed a speech impediment as a result of the fall.

Vincent: [about a foot massage] It's layin' your hands in a familiar way on Marsellus' new wife. I mean, is it as bad as eatin' her pussy out? No, but it's the same fuckin' ballpark.
Jules: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop right there. Eating a bitch out and giving a bitch a foot massage ain't even the same fucking thing.
Vincent: It's not. It's the same ballpark.
Jules: Ain't no fucking ballpark neither. Now, look, maybe your method of massage differs from mine, but, you know, touching his wife's feet and sticking your tongue in the holiest of holies ain't the same fucking ballpark. It ain't the same league. It ain't even the same fucking sport. Look, foot massages don't mean shit.
Vincent: Have you ever given a foot massage?
Jules: Don't be telling me about foot massages, I'm the foot fuckin' master.
Vincent: Given a lot of them?
Jules: Shit, yeah. I got my technique down and everything, I don't be tickling or nothing.
Vincent: Would you give a guy a foot massage?
Jules: [pause] Fuck you.
Vincent: You give them a lot?
Jules: Fuck you.
Vincent: You know, I'm getting kinda tired, I could use a foot massage myself.
Jules: Yo, yo, yo, man, you best back off. I'm getting pissed here. This is the door.
Vincent: There it is.
Jules: What time you got?
Vincent: [looks at his watch] 7:22 in the a.m.
Jules: No, it's not time yet. Let's hang back. [they go into an empty hallway] Look, just 'cause I wouldn't give no man a foot massage don't make it right for Marsellus to throw Antoine into a glass motherfucking house, fucking up the way the nigga talks. That shit ain't right. Motherfucker do that shit to me, he better paralyze my ass because I'd kill the motherfucker. Know what I'm saying?
Vincent: I ain't saying it's right. But you're saying a foot massage don't mean nothing, and I'm saying it does. Now, look, I've given a million ladies a million foot massages, and they all meant something. We act like they don't, but they do, and that's what's so fucking cool about them. There's a sensuous thing going on where you don't talk about it, but you know it, she knows it, fucking Marsellus knew it, and Antoine should have fucking better known better. I mean, that's his fucking wife, man. He ain't gonna have no sense of humor about that shit. You know what I'm saying?

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are no easy answers, Later. If I knew the OM, or had met him at least once, my perspective might be very different. I live in a large city and this guy has one of the most generic, common first-last name combos in the world. There are literally a dozen identical names in our local phone book alone, and he's not even listed. My wife would only give me a rough side of town where he lives, no address. She gave up his employer, but it's huge.

I didn't press it because not having a face and voice helps with mind movies a bit. I still get them, but she's fucking a shadowy figure rather than someone I can vividly picture. If I could picture him, or if he was a friend or acquaintance, not sure what I would have done. And if by chance we ever cross paths, I'm still not sure what I will do.

But still...the real enemy is the woman you sleep with. The one who exchanged vows with you, then broke them repeatedly as if they were completely and utterly meaningless to her. That's the bitterest pill of them all.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But still...the real enemy is the woman you sleep with. The one who exchanged vows with you, then broke them repeatedly as if they were completely and utterly meaningless to her. That's the bitterest pill of them all.

boy ain't that the truth.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal,

Well said.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Later, I really appreciate that. Though it's my fault I didn't get the 'written word' clear through to you - or anyone, for that matter.

The ppl who pounced on uhtred were dealt with accordingly.

I'm still about all of us taking the long view. Time, and his waiting handmaidens reveal their treasures to us in time...


Posts: 6020 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Huginn and Muninn. As usual jj, thought provoking.

Uhtred, welcome. No slams. Coulda, woulda shoulda. Was at his house. No doubt of the outcome unless he pulled down on me first. Wanted to unleash the hounds of hell and finally didn't. Had enough time to realize it wasn't him. (Gotta admit though, in my case, he bears a lot more responsibility than most. More on that later.) It was my WW who made the vows to me, not him. He was just a piece of shit that needed to be cleaned up. Not my job, shoulda been hers.

Anyway, welcome brother. In my heart of hearts.....


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2070 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
dadof4
♂ Member
Member # 25534
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uhtred, welcome to our safe (for men anyway) little part of the club nobody wants to be part of.
Let me say, You may want to stay here. I just read the JFO thread and holy crap. The judgement flows swiftly. Dude, you did what we all want to do. You did what in my case the OM was afraid I would do. You showed restraint in not making him taste hot lead.

This is going to be the biggest shit sandwich you will ever eat. However, you will be stronger than you ever imagined and this journey will build within you a grace you never new you had...It just fucking sucks it has to be built this way.

Godspeed man. lean on us as much as you want.

Yes boys I haven't posted in a while. Guess it's a few red flags that have me wondering what the fuck and I doing in this M.


Me 51(BH)
Her 46 (FWW)
Kids-23,21,16,14
Married 25 years.
D-Day Sept 12 2009
LTA=4 years

Reconciling.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: New Hampshire
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DO4, welcome back! Your turn to buy?

ETA Damn caps lock

[This message edited by 5454real at 11:01 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2070 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see both sides of the story. Mans honor vs. Mans duty to family. Losing job, income, and time with kids because your behind bars should probably be avoided. Gives the poser too much power if he wants to take it there.

Now having said that, if stumpy douchebag OM ever wants to stop hiding behind that badge, well then I'm sure we could find a way to settle things.

Maybe if there were actual societal consequences these cowards would think twice before seeking out and treading upon another man marriage. I mean what the hell ever happened to honor? Sleeping with someone else's wife it just about the least honorable thing a man can do. I like to think back in the day you could just run a sword through the guy and everyone would pat you on the back. Who really wants a guy like that living in their village. Protect the women and children right?


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
thinkingclear
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Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread continues to move at a blistering pace. I step away and people start beating the shit out of POSERs. Welcome Uhtred. As others have stated, you wont be judge harshly here. Now you and B444 have the two best POSER confrontations on file. It's an honor(?) that you didn't ever want to earn. I can't say what you did was right, but then again I can't say it was wrong either. It would be such a better place if all of our actions had consequences and the the POSER's situation is no different.

I also agree with Sal. The *enemy* isn't the POSER it is your WW. If it wasn't him, it would have been someone else someday. Her brokenness allowed this to happen, POSER just picked up on it as it sounds like he has experience in that area.

Heck, now that my eyes have been opened by all of what I've lived through this last few years, it is apparent to me that there are plenty of broken people running around pretending to have it all together. As MC_Jack stated, I'm quite certain that my WW would not be as *forgiving* if the shoe were on the other foot. I've struggled to find the desire to recommit to my WW despite her now being truly remorseful. It is in part because I know that I am being asked to do something that my WW would not do for me. I look around a see a world of people and eligible women and think how nice would it be to start again with someone new. In many ways it would be nice, but I also remind myself that most of those 30-40 somethings that are single probably have their own baggage and brokenness to deal with as well.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 7:40 AM, August 26th (Monday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uhtred,

First of all brother, ignore the haters. IF (and that is a giant if) you think you have anger problems, then deal with them yourself. Let the quacking from the gallery roll off your back.

Now, to the more important issue. It seems to me that reconciliation (or an effort towards R) is facilitated by the wayward facing real consequences for her actions. Otherwise, she has zero incentive to do the challenging work of finding out why set let herself be a soulless adulteress who risked her family for POS fling.

So far, we are not aware of any real consequences your WW has had to face except discomfort of her parents and some property that she lost.

It is great you are seeing what you believe to be remorse. And perhaps she has had enough in the way of consequences that she has motivation to fix herself. You will have to make that call. (And yes, the other side of the coin is a problem too. You can have your foot on her throat, so to speak, for too long...)

In the meantime, follow the good advice you gotten here. Work on yourself. Even taking the OM out hard, your self-esteem is shot when your woman screws another man. It takes time to heal. Give it to yourself. The nightmares begin to fade when you heal - when you regain your self and feel more secure that you will be fine without her so that even if she does this shit again, you'll thrive anyway.

One other thing I suggest - go see a lawyer. Not to file, but to learn what divorce would mean to you. It is simply gathering intel. And knowledge is power.

MC is fine, but its value is lessened when she is still battling major demons.

And finally, remember this - you cannot change her. Do not invest your worth in her failings or success.

Strength and blessings to you sir. You will need it. I think you will find some of those things here.

[This message edited by reallyscrewedup7 at 7:38 AM, August 26th (Monday)]


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, baggage - who doesn't have some though?
Thing is, you are the one who is awesome. (channeling wb, the fisher KIng )

Speaking for myself, I don't have issues...
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I have the whole subscription.
(ok ok I stole that from cat)

My wife's A made me get religion.
I converted to an old one...
the stoning's in the morning...


Posts: 6020 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
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