I could hear my son asking that same question.
Fucking, fuck, fuck.
When she goes defensive, there is no point in continuing a conversation. So I just let it go, told her I will talk to her when she gets back into town on Thursday.
As far as the boy goes, it sucks. He had snuck down early on after DDAY and listened to our fights...so he knows what happened. I talked to him this morning, and he is very concerned that we are going to start fighting again. Not sure how to comfort him. Told him that we weren't going to start fighting again, and that sometimes mom's and dad's argue, but it doesn't mean that they don't love each other or the kids.
Fuck, I hate that my kids get to watch this unfold.
ETA: Sorry Fleet. I hate finding shit on deleted emails.
[This message edited by wonderboy at 12:49 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]
My son was about 7 then, so he knows what went on, saw me loading his mother's shit into the truck, I was takin' her to OMM's house.
On the one hand I don't want to damage my kid's relationship with their mom. But on the other...there are times when I am tired of keeping the lies about who she was/is to myself.
We moved up to Washington and are surrounded by a ton of her family (all of whom I get along with). And of course, they all idolize her and our family...and none of em know. I tell you, there are times when I want to shout the truth out....but that's just me being bitter.
So how the hell do you protect the kiddos once they know part of the truth?
Remember unanswered, or more importantly unacknowledged questions, tend to spur the imagination to the worst case scenario. I never heard of a child telling their parents they believe cute, fuzzy bunnies live under the bed or in the closet. It is human nature to fill the shadows of the unseen with what we fear.
My daughters knew their mother was a cheater at least 7 months before I did, maybe more. Other than the fact that the OM didn't impregnate my wife (that I know of), this has been my worst marital nightmare.
I dealt with by putting our girls in IC. They're teenagers. The boys haven't turned 7 yet and seem to have avoided too much damage. Tonight we're having a parent-child IC session. Not sure if IC is an option for someone so young, but it might be worth looking into.
I didn't grow up with this either, WB. I've done the best I can with a really shitty set of facts. That's all you can do.
Anyhow, I was older than your kid when my Mom started cheating but I think honesty is the best policy there. I think it's important that the kids know what is going on in their lives in an age appropriate manner. It sucks that they see their Mom that way. They will probably never respect her again. Make sure you don't do anything to make them feel the same way about you.
we are pretty much in denial about the affairs and its effect on the kids. You know, it was "almost an affair".
[This message edited by 64fleet at 1:25 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]
the phone thing was a bunch of BS. major red flags are waving.
my fear would be, now that she is in her comfort zone she feels free to resort to bad behaviors. she knows that she has a soft spot to land.
I see it happening already. I am already wondering if moving was a good idea. (Although I still think it was)
I don't think telling the rest of the family would be appropriate. I mean, in all honesty, I think we are going to make it. Telling the family would just make it awkward...there is a lot of family, and they talk to each other about everything...too much drama there.
As far as telling them to take away the soft landing? I can't do anything to manipulate her behavior. I can only control me. If she's going to cheat or go back to wayward behavior, I can't force her to change. Our immediate family does know. Extended family is a whole nother story. And yes, her immediate family immediately rug swept it...so yay!
As far as telling them to take away the soft landing? I can't do anything to manipulate her behavior
I have read many of your posts and we have sooo much in common. Hell our DDAY's were the SAME DAY pretty much. I have 3 children similar ages to yours, my fWW cheated while traveling on business, and on on.
On the lie about the phone...1st let me say I love find my iPhone. I use it all the time to "challenge" or "test" my wife. She has always passed. Man if only she had an iPhone when she was cheating instead of that damn BBRY- I may have caught her much sooner. (I also read her texts using the iPhone backup file).
Back on course here...I don't think I would accept my WW lying about the phone. I used to get the "dead phone" lie, but not any more. I think I would file over that man, seriously. That shit is unacceptable. Who knows what she was up to? 2 hours of dead time is way too much.
I was fortunate enough to out my WW on day 1 to her family. Pissed her and them off to no end, but I am glad we are all on the same page.
Sorry to hear about your son, that really sucks. I wish you the best with that, maybe he should talk to an IC?
good luck man-
I can't do anything to manipulate her behavior.
Absolutely agreed. But if she is using them as a shield/cover for her behavior is it manipulation to remove it or facilitation to leave it.
As for family, was more worried about gramma asking why mommy and daddy are angry.
I mean, in all honesty, I think we are going to make it.
And you are in the best place to make those choices.
BTW, how's the new location?
Regarding using the family as a shield/cover for bad behavior, in reality she is in general pretty good. No major fuck ups. My biggest issue is the lie and the fact that she is now comfortable at 18 months, and just wants it to be over. HA! Me too.
Slater: fucking sucks doesn't it. I don't really want to file over it. two hours of dead time is a lot, But I do know she was at a restaurant with her girlfriends. So, I don't think she was up to anything sneaky...which is why the lie was so fucking stupid.
As far as telling the family. both immediate family knows. I don't want all the relatives knowing...you fellas know how it feels to be the pitiful husband. Beside, the family adores her, on some level, it would be my fault. better to just let the extended family as it is. Plus, I really like being invited on ski trips with the gang, don't want to lose that gig.
Was going to(in fact just was) respond to you on your other thread. Her continued lying has to be a major issue for you. Her e-mail was nicely worded and all that, but we all know where *good intentions* lead. Is there a line you can define for you? How big, how many?
It seems that she is resisting change with every fiber of her being. Hell, I'm the BH and I've very specifically carried my phone with me when I knew there were situations that could bother her. (I will teach a class to firefighters every so often, ever seen a drunk female FF who has to keep up with the boys?) Anyway, my first concern isn't how it will look to others, but to my FWW. TBH, early on I took a modicum of pleasure in her worry, but realized that wasn't good for a strong M. I digress, why isn't her primary concern you and the M?