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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 13
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

eta
double post, my phone is not so smart today.

[This message edited by 5454real at 3:32 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2068 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
dangerclose
♂ New Member
Member # 37582
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP:

thoughts and prayers


Posts: 13 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: washington, dc
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((FacePunched's Mom))

Really sorry to hear that news, FP. Sending strength to you and your family. Take care.


Posts: 4549 | Registered: Dec 2010
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP - Good that she is ok but sorry your Mom is going though this.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sending strength FP)))

Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
flup
♂ Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really, FP, I hope she gets out and back home soon.

Surprising how quickly we get reminded of mortality. It makes me wonder if R with a fWW is worth it. I mean, life is so short - should a primary relationship be so much work? I guess I should just learn to care less, I suppose... It's difficult to disengage when you discover you've been co- dependent... Until D-Day, that is.

[This message edited by flup at 8:29 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It makes me wonder if R with a fWW is worth it. I mean, life is so short - should a primary relationship be so much work?

You make a good point, flup. The flip side of that - life is so short, is holding a grudge worth it? Assuming your WW is remorseful, getting counseling, and trying to fix her messedupness.

Hell, I don't know the answer. I guess every BH has to figure that out for himself.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dang that's hard news to hear. I'm glad your mom is ok. Sending positive thoughts your way. I hope your mom gets better soon and is able to handle her loss.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 415 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strength FP)))

I could use a little strength myself right now. I have slowly come to the realization that her A was more than I can accept. So I have been struggling internally with my inability to or more accurately my unwillingness to accept that which I cannot accept. I know far too much about her almost year long A and although my WW displays subtle remorse she completely lacks empathy and patience for my healing. I came to the conclusion this week that I could not continue on in the M.

I discussed my feelings with my WW this morning. I told her that I have had daily thoughts and triggers usually reliving one of the awful texts between her and the OM over in my head. I told her I've done everything that I have known how to do including 7 months of weekly IC with a psychiatrist and things haven't gotten any better.

Her response was - "What does your IC have to say about that? That's not normal! You shouldn't still be obsessing over the A. You want to be a victim. Who is she? There has to be someone else?" I told her no there was not someone else in my life, but there is a third person in my head that you invited into our M and I cannot shake.

She asked me what my solution is and I told her D. She further spiraled down and became defensive and angry. I haven't even talked to an attorney. It wasn't a threat but an honest appraisal of where I am right now. Even up to this point, I could have potentially been swayed if she reacted appropriately. She didn't. It is now on me. "How could you do this to the kids? I hope your girlfriend is worth it!" (No there is no girlfriend)

She went and called her mom and she had the exact same response "There has to be someone else!" She told her two oldest (13, 15) already. I have no idea what they were told. She went to Home Depot and picked up boxes and supplies and has started packing.

I do have to say that I have a sense of relief that this is coming to an end. I haven't had POSER running around in my head today. It is a very shallow victory. My soon to be 4 year old will be hit hard. I took him to my parents today so that he didn't witness the packing frenzy, but when we got home he asked "What is all of this junk?" He thinks they are going on vacation.

I would have liked to have sit down with all of the boys to tell them. I would have liked to have more planed out. She has already set up an appointment with a relator to look at a rental on Monday. She has no job. She is going to make this painful as if she hasn't inflicted enough pain on me already.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 8:49 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
flup
♂ Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if I'd call it holding a grudge ( what a goofy word). Can you control how you feel about something? I can control my reactions to events... I can control how I view things, to a certain extent... But, I don't think I can control how I FEEL. How I feel about an event is getting down to the core of who I am, my values, and how I was raised.

I don't think I can change how I feel about something (her A) by thinking my way around it. I am a Semper Fidelis kind of guy... I live it and believe it. Maybe I'm just starting to discover that it was a deal breaker all along.

... But the sex is so good now, it'd be difficult to walk away. (Shallow, I know, but wtf, I'm a guy)


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 426 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"How could you do this to the kids? I hope your girlfriend is worth it!" (No there is no girlfriend)

I'm no shrink but I think that's called projection. She assumes that your integrity and character is no higher than hers. She probably has a hard time relating to your standards.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TC, strength brother.

Your WW doesn't get it. Probably never will. Even in this, she attempts to blameshift(girlfriend). "You should be over this" (rugsweep). Her next response is to again seek external validation.(Mom) Rather than directly approach the issue, she again attempts to avoid the direct conflict(kids). All textbook WW behaviors.

Damn brother, I'm sorry. In all honesty, your kids will be better off with at least one safe home environment. The old adage is true. "Better to be from a broken home than to live in one".

I've lived both sides of this street. Honestly, D is easier than R. I'm not saying that to minimize your pain. I know it hurts. I understand the fathers wish. But, you know it takes two to tango, and she doesn't know the steps.

I'm sorry. I wish R was an option. From what you have said, you're doing the right thing, no matter how painful.

That is what a MAN does. It takes a MAN to be a Father.

Strength

[This message edited by 5454real at 10:28 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2068 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
slater13
♂ Member
Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fuck TC- sorry to hear, but it sounds like you have made the correct decision. I suggest you get to work ASAP with an attorney, she will. She will make this very hard most likely, painting you further as the bad guy.

Get your assets in a safe place.


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You want to be a victim. Who is she? There has to be someone else?"

TC
I had been told the same exact thing.
I was told that I enjoyed being the victim.
I was also accused of having girlfriends as her rationalization of the reason I wanted to end our M.
The fact that she had an A was never part of the equation. Couldn't possibly be the reason. Had to be something else.
As I have said before, WW had the A and I'm convinced they figured that when it was exposed they would be crafty enough to sweep it under the carpet. You didn't follow the game plan and that's that.
Your WW is clearly in denial. Strength bro.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TC - I am praying for you brother.

I feel like we are on such similar paths. My wife has asked me in the past whether I have made a decision. I feel like she made the decision when she hass the A. For me, an A was a dealbreaker before it ever happened - I just hate what that means.

I am sorry that after all you have done to try to make it work that she can't see fit to handle the transition in a manner that puts the kids interest first.

[This message edited by Later at 3:58 AM, September 1st (Sunday)]


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry tc. I've read the thoughtful and mature way you have tried to handle this, & I'm sorry. Damn.
I wish these WS would pull their heads outta their asses long enough to minimize the effects on their own children. It's always appalling to me - having been that kid.

*Get over it already*, and *are you seeing someone else* are the trademarked tirades of the perpetually shallow.
When it got to that, I had to school myself to stifle lol in her face. (knew it would amp the drama - didn't want that)

But the kids? That shit makes me furious. I'd sit her ass down & lay down the law on that. She is not to damage them further with her bullshit behavior.

Glad for the sense of relief.
Strength to you tc!


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to all.

She calmed down a last night and we were able to talk a little more. Like usual, her initial fear based reaction overpowers her and angry comes out. She was able to shoulder the blame last night although there is still a veiled "you could get over this if you wanted to" perspective she sustains.

I'm going to have to sit down with an attorney next week. She is already listing off her demands and offered up her immediate plans. I will need to put our house on the market and see if there is any interest. I won't need the size anymore nor the memories it contains. It won't be an easy sell, but I am planning to test the market anyway.

She told me that all she said to her two boys is that we are getting a D. They have known we have been struggling all along. I don't really know how much they know and I never will. I plan to sit down with my two older boys today. I haven't figured out the four year old yet. He will be so confused. He slept with me last night and little did he know how much his world is about to change.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 8:18 AM, September 1st (Sunday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP - condolences brother. Sorry to hear about that.

TC - strength mate. That's my worst nightmare - I fear telling my son the family is breaking up more than anything. One of the main reasons I didn't walk right away and am trying to make it work. He's worth it.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Google wasn't around when at 11 years old, my mother had me, my brother, and my sister loaded into the car one morning & drove over 1100 miles away from my childhood.
Rather an abrupt ending.

"How to tell the children" will return hundreds of thousands of helpful suggestions for you to modify to your situation.
Brothers)))


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't figured out the four year old yet. He will be so confused. He slept with me last night and little did he know how much his world is about to change.

Sorry, brother. That has to be the toughest part of all. But it highlights just how incredibly selfish one must be to engage in this type of behavior, especially when small children's lives are affected.

Sending you strength.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
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