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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 13
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

& yeah, I changed tags bc this has come up 3 times on three different threads this am...
Seems so simple.

Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TC
You did everything a man would be expected to do and then some. You went above and beyond your responsibilities. You fought as hard as YOU could to keep your family together. You were absolved from day one and yet you persevered.
SHE couldn't get over it. She screwed up. She couldn't fix it.
You are the mature and logical person in this relationship and when it comes to your children they will know of their fathers courage and how he couldn't be hurt any longer. That you struggled against overwhelming odds and in the end your lesson is that no one should tolerate such abuse.
I see it everyday. It's a double standard when it comes to women. When they are in a relationship such as yours we tell them over and over again to get out. They don't have to take it. We hand them pamphlets and point them towards women's shelters. It's a running joke that they won't leave. They will return to the abuse and well feel pity for them because they don't deserve it.
Your golden TC. We've followed your story which is just like mine. I kind of envy you but whatever happens, if your out or if she wises up were here for you. Fight the good fight brother. Stay righteous because that is your sword and shield.
You didn't cause this, she did when she chose to sleep with 2 men at the same time, you and her OM.
None of this is on you. You are a trout swimming upstream trying to accept the unacceptable.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
dangerclose
♂ New Member
Member # 37582
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Help, I am loosing it. I am now the shell of the man I was. I am almost 2 years out and can not seem to get it together.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: washington, dc
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Help, I am loosing it. I am now the shell of the man I was. I am almost 2 years out and can not seem to get it together.
What's up, sir?

What's going on specifically?


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question to you gentlemen as well...do you think that if I meet with a lawyer it means that I'm not "all in" for reconciliation, or does it just mean I'm being smart? I've been thinking about it lately, just so I have a general idea about what to expect if it ever comes to that.

Thoughts?


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP.... Being smart...

If you don't know the risks/costs of ending a marriage contract you're not playing with 14 clubs...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5894 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DC, hadn't had a chance to welcome you yet. I'm at a year and a half. I know a lot of those feelings. What was the trigger?

Strength


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2083 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you're not playing with 14 clubs...
...?

"Baxter, you know I don't speak Spanish."

[This message edited by FacePunched at 2:34 PM, September 1st (Sunday)]


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol, FP 14 clubs is the maximum number of clubs a golfer is allowed to carry. you can play with fewer, but why would you?

use every tool at your disposal.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2083 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry FP

Golf is one of my escapes...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5894 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Help, I am loosing it. I am now the shell of the man I was.

You don't have to be, brother. All the affair shows us is that we really can't control the choices that other people make. But that was always the case. You are in no way diminished by someone else's lack of integrity and character.

Why do you feel that you're just a shell of the man you used to be? Putting your pain aside, what have you done to lessen yourself?


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
dangerclose
♂ New Member
Member # 37582
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the aknowledgement.I spoke to a civ, lawyer on Friday. Dropped the bomb on my WW yesterday that it is a dealbreaker. I have not stopped crying since. I am known in most circles as a mans man. I am just a wreck.The pathetic puddle I am in is unbearable

[This message edited by dangerclose at 7:08 PM, September 1st (Sunday)]


Posts: 13 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: washington, dc
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All that man's man stuff is BS. The person we loved shat and spit on us and everything that the relationship stood for. Being sad about that has nothing to do with being or not being a man. I have found with me that anger (a "man's" emotion) and sadness (a "crying girl's emotion) are basically two sides of the same coin. I have at times broken out in tears when I have been the most angry. That is what this whole man's thing does to us as we grow up. I see it in my boys and I see it in my students. Males are not allowed to learn how to properly express our emotions, and then when something like our f'ed up marriages come along we don't know whether we are coming or going.

Let the sadness out and don't beat yourself up about it.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 388 | Registered: Aug 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DC, sorry mate. I'm sure this isn't the outcome you wanted. Gotta let yourself feel it and process it. It' the only way to let it go from what I hear.

kg, welcome mate. Sorry you are here. Haven't seen you posting before.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred, I've been posting on some of the other threads for the last couple of weeks, and lurking on this one. I'm sorry I'm here too. Separated a week ago, not by choice. Was doing ok during days 3 to 5, especially after I spent 2.5 hours talking with the AP's wife on Friday. But today was a low day so I spent time on SI for some moral support.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 388 | Registered: Aug 2013
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support gents. I'm grateful for all of your insight over the last few months.

Welcome kg and Dc.

Your advice has been sound. Nothing wrong with some sadness. Feel and understand it and in time you'll move on. Suppress it or deny it and it will linger and make you bitter.

My D-day was 18 months ago and my STBXWW (new abbreviation for me) broke NC dozens of times. It took me this long to really understand the gnawing feelings down deep. Stay with it.

For me it was a deal breaker at least with 16 months of unremorseful blame shifting. I fought it and fought it with every bit of my being because damn it I am a guy and I will not fail, I will not be "that guy". I am fighting it no longer. I am starting to find peace for the first time in over two years. My kids lives are being turned upside down, I'll be moving and losing half of everything. BUT I don't care. I'm sad. That's to be expected, but finding peace in a future heck in the present because that decision is now behind me.

Like Sal pointed out your value is not tied to anyone else. You were never in control of her choices. Her failures are her's alone.

BTW I had a real tear jerker of a discussion with my dad who hasn't known about what was going on. He told me I had been trying to do too much on my own. He also said he was proud of me for working so hard and long on the M. He said he didn't think he could have done it himself.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just for FYI on this thread, since I haven't posted it to my profile:

My WW is a year into a diagnosis of metastatic breast cancer, which she was originally diagnosed with in 2003. I've been with her the entire time, taking care of her and her needs, up until dday (although I did go to one appointment after dday, which was a complete disaster.

I told her after dday that I would be her husband and continue taking care of her, but I would not be the errand boy. So I have been trying to detach from my care-giver role, which has been a huge part of my identity for so long. I don't know what she plans on doing once the disease progresses, but I don't believe that the chickenshit AP is going to keep doing what he is promising. I could be wrong, because she keeps saying she can't live without his care, but whatever. Her choice.

So that is my story, in the short, and my family is telling me I should sell the rights for a television movie. First I have to figure out how to make it out on the other end of this hell.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 388 | Registered: Aug 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't believe that the chickenshit AP is going to keep doing what he is promising

Does this indicate that there is ongoing contact?

Deal. Breaker.
Wipe the dust from the feet time...

Danger, let it flow.
We got your back.


Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
dangerclose
♂ New Member
Member # 37582
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@FP,

I met with one on Friday. Absolutely blew my WW mind. I needed to know my options. I live in MD now which has a Fault divorce law. He advised me that even after two years since there was additional contact. We have a case. I am so full of anger right now I want to do it for fun. Naming him as an dditional respondant to a divorce feels so right today. Sorry brothers but I am so angry I can hardly stand myself.


Posts: 13 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: washington, dc
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Danger

Sorry for your pain. The others are so correct - let it flow. No other way to healing than through the pain.

Use your anger. It will give you strength to do things you might otherwise be afraid of doing even if they would be helpful. I have seen SO many BHs take it up the rear on a divorce deal because they "wanted to keep the peace" or "thought they needed to be civil."

You were a soldier, so embrace the battle. Divorce IS war. Yes, you try to minimize the collateral damage, but you do not surrender. Everything needs to be decided on a strategic basis to protect you and yours. And she is now the enemy.

Get everything in writing and strength to you!


Infidelity sucks shit

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