Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Elaine311 (43215)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 13
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC_J

Damn Part 13 is getting off with a bang (pun intended)!

See, the sex didn't mean anything to her... To her the sex was probably like monopoly money being spent. It had no value to her and thus not to me either.

Word. Fucking Word. Crushed me with a feather. What meant the world to me was nothing to her. Do I ever get that.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

See, the sex didn't mean anything to her... To her the sex was probably like monopoly money being spent. It had no value to her and thus not to me either.

Yeah, I hear this a lot but not sure I buy it. For something that didn't mean much to my wife, allegedly, she sure engaged in enough of it with the OM. Can't imagine what kind of validation she got to make it worth all of that sweaty effort.

I mean, did he call her daily and say "I love you, you're hot, you're intelligent, and you're really kind to children and small animals" over and over? Whatever "validation" she got, it must have been sweet and constant, because the SOB sure got his carnal rewards on a steady basis.

Sometime after the fall in the Garden of Eden, women got together and hired one hell of a P.R. firm. Somehow their motives and desires are pure, even when their actions are horrendous. Men, we're just horndogs 24/7. Yeah, right.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, the proof in the "the sex didn't matter" pudding always falls down at the point where your WW is suddenly, magicly, tragically so interested in where else *you* might be putting your dick.

If she doesn't care about that, then I might buy that the sex didn't matter or was a means to an end.

But I've yet to see that particular set of circumstances roll around, so it's all Schrodinger's Cat and shit until then.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude,

Can't imagine what kind of validation she got to make it worth all of that sweaty effort.

It was the feelings, all those precious feelings, the feelings that surrounded the entire interaction. Remember, being 'desired' is up there with 'being understood', and 'being heard'.

it must have been sweet and constant

^^^ No. Look up 'intermittent positive regard'. When it is intermittent it is WAY more powerful as a drug. If you throw abuse in between the intermittent regard, it is even more powerful.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For something that didn't mean much to my wife

^^ maybe think of it as highly inflated currency from her perspective where she perceived she was getting a beneficial exchange rate for more feelings.

I really have to go back and emphasize that it for my WW and her looking like I was talking a different language, the true betrayal lay elsewhere than on the bed...it was in the emotional realm somewhere. Or maybe since my WW is a gyn doc, the something going in the vagina is as mundane as something coming out of her butt.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with Jack on this one.

I'm not saying she didn't like the sex, I just don't think she thought it was as "important" as I did. She was genuinely shocked when she discovered that I didn't approve, was actually VERY PISSED OFF by it.

She was pretty cavalier about encouraging me to "have an A of my own" and when I did,

If she doesn't care about that, then I might buy that the sex didn't matter or was a means to an end.

She never expressed a hint of concern about the sex I got (which was fucking excellent, BTW). She was just worried that I might fall in love with my AP and leave her, but it never once crossed her mind that I might leave her over her A. She wasn't "in love" with him, just "having a little fun". She was shocked when I said I might. Shocked!

Those Wimenz do think different.

[This message edited by MoreWould at 6:08 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, the proof in the "the sex didn't matter" pudding always falls down at the point where your WW is suddenly, magicly, tragically so interested in where else *you* might be putting your dick.

Not really. The WW would **assume/presume/firmly believe** that there was some other betrayal going on (in the emotional realm) for you to put your dick somewhere else...

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 6:03 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC_J

Ships crossing in the night.

Athol Kay explains this better than anybody I've read yet.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not really. The WW would **assume/presume/firmly believe** that there was some other betrayal going on (in the emotional realm) for you to put your dick somewhere else...

Right, but love is just the currency you're spending to give the dick, so it shouldn't matter what words or feelings pass back and forth in order to grease the wheels of commerce.

Point being: the WW's don't separate the two on average any more or less than we do. It's a ploy. A red herring. A bit of argumentation to win a point and keep you from untangling the skein -- or to keep her from having to untangle the skein, 'cuz I'm pretty sure most BH's figure this shit out a couple of years ahead of their WW's.

My experience has been that by the time most WW's seem to finally get down to their core why's and have their brilliant stoke of insight, their husbands are like, "Er...yeah. Glad to see you've finally caught up with the rest of the class, because we were discussing that text in the first two weeks of the semester."

ETA: I'm not trying to paint with too broad a brush here. There are plenty of stories out there of WS's who really did take just one or the other -- but I think it's a drastically over-reported phenomenon. This is definitely a YMMV topic.

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 6:21 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL

Brilliant as usual.

My experience has been that by the time most WW's seem to finally get down to their core why's and have their brilliant stoke of insight, their husbands are like, "Er...yeah. Glad to see you've finally caught up with the rest of the class, because we were discussing that text in the first two weeks of the semester."

Most of R, I felt like we were reading the same book, but I was reading it forwards and she was reading it backwards. Or vice versa. Or just vice.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Disagree again WAL....is that heresy?

I don't have to spend any currency, love, whatever, to give the dick. Nor do I need love etc. returned. I don't think womenz give the vag without the feelings being created by the A and AP to the same degree.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 6:26 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seriously, please disagree with me and stick to your guns when you think I'm wrong.

I've been wrong lots, and I've always figured out I was wrong because other people stuck to their guns and gave me access to a perspective I hadn't considered.

You guys are invaluable to me when it comes to figuring shit out. That's one of the main reasons I keep coming back to this site and this thread -- because there's always more to learn and it's full of guys who have plenty to teach me.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6687 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

More, MCJack, I appreciate your insights. The public perception of marital infidelity seems to go like this:

Cheating Husband = his fault b/c he only thinks with his dick. He just wanted some strange.

Cheating Wife = his fault b/c her needs weren't getting met. Poor thing, she just craved that "validation" that her sorry workaholic husband was too busy to give her. So what if she found it from some sleaze she met in a dance club?

And yeah, I completely buy that the validation and ego strokes is what draws them in, much more so than pure animal attraction, but still...there are a lot of cheating wives out there engaging in a lot of hot sex. It ain't all about the sex, true, but it's much more about that than they care to admit. And the idea of a cheating husband just trying to get his "needs" met? Don't even go there without a full plate of body armor.

Yeah, wimmenz are different. But maybe not as different as they want us to think at times.

I kind of wonder, if POSER was so wonderful at meeting her needs, why did my wife drop him like a hot potato the moment I discovered her affair? All of a sudden, I met her needs just fine and she was ALL about saving what was apparently so inadequate just the day before. I was, and remain 6 months later, the PRIZE.

Makes perfect sense, huh?


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right, but love is just the currency you're spending to give the dick, so it shouldn't matter what words or feelings pass back and forth in order to grease the wheels of commerce.

Well I loved the hell out of a lot of socks when I was a teenager.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7115 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
MutedMan
♂ New Member
Member # 36669
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too have been plagued by the inner voice but I hear it out, even embrace it sometimes. The overall tone and frequency changed when I threw out the AD meds and affirmed myself instead of waiting to hear it from her.
Wielding my integrity like a assault rifle i can stand whatever those voices have to offer. And now those voices are more often positive or at least not self deprecating.


Me=BS 42
Her=WW 37
DDAY=Feb. 2012
5yr long term affair
2 little kids
Forward does not necessarily mean together.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Mutedman
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kind of wonder, if POSER was so wonderful at meeting her needs, why did my wife drop him like a hot potato the moment I discovered her affair? All of a sudden, I met her needs just fine and she was ALL about saving what was apparently so inadequate just the day before. I was, and remain 6 months later, the PRIZE.

Great point
WW's speak out of both sides of their face.
They weren't in love and it wasn't about the sex?
Yeah sure
Women dig sex just like men
They want to sound damaged like they needed validation so again...
It's our fault. In some way we didn't meet their needs. Guilt trip for getting strange dick.
I never bought that.


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if POSER was so wonderful at meeting her needs, why did my wife drop him like a hot potato the moment I discovered her affair?

Because once exposed and in the open, the fantasy is gone and thus the feelings manufacturing capability is wiped out. It was never about the OM, just the feelings she created for herself.

I am generalizing. I know there are women out there that like hot emotion-free meaningless sex. Just none of the ones I know. Where can I go to meet them?

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 7:42 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know one thing I've been struggling with is the whole "trying to do cool shit" in order to relax, detach and heal. I have a 6 year old with "weapons-grade ADHD"...I feel like I spend every non-working hour stopping him from lecturing strangers, singing in public, and running into anything with a hard corner...I mean, if I steal 30 minutes to read I feel like I'm robbing him... Plus, I feel like I'm subconsciously trying to blunt the impact of my wife's FOO issues on his development.

Sorry... Long day. Exhausted. Maybe it'll get better once he starts school next week.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1611 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WWS. Last post page 2...wanted to agree with it before I read the rest of the topic.

[This message edited by Tred at 7:54 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Seriously
Go to a military base when the Menz are deployed. Check out the club scene.
You'll see many dependent wives looking for strang dick. Like girls gone wild. The last thing a dependapotomous needs is validation. They just want a good time. For the most part I believe validation is also blame shifting. Many of us want to buy that. Many men gas light themselves to downplay the fact that a WW rode some POSER like a pony.
Well buy into the idea that we were somehow responsible for depriving our women of emotional needs than physical.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 8:14 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.