Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 13
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate, Sal. About three or four weeks before d-day, I was telling my wife that I love her unconditionally. Her response was, "No you don't. What if I cheated on you. Would you still love me and forgive me?"

My response was, "If it were just a one time thing that happened because of a temporary lapse of judgement, maybe. If it were a long term thing where I was made out to be a chump over several years, then definitely not."

Here I still am, almost three years later.

Lessons learned for me: hindsight is 20/20, and you never know what you are going to do in a situation until you've actually been put in that situation.


Posts: 4557 | Registered: Dec 2010
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be willing to wager that before Dday most of us BSs said at one time or another that if our W cheated on us it would be over.

The reality is much more complex that what we imagined.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also believed I would be gone if it ever happened. Problem is, I literally would have bet my life that my wife would never have an affair. She was vehemently opposed to the very thought, and even disowned our best friend when she found out he had cheated on his wife. (pot, meet kettle)

Hmmmmm, good thing I didn't take a bet.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When we were about to get married, my soon-to-be W said that she would forgive me if I got drunk or something and had a ONS as long as I 'fessed up immediately and didn't make a habit of it. We'd seen enough bad behavior, and regretted divorces already that seemed like a kind of "Belt and suspenders" on a life together, like an insurance policy. I agreed to the same.

Less than 4 years later she started a multi-month PA with a co-worker that only came out when his BW ratted them out to me. WW didn't want to end it, and didn't for a couple of months, then continued to work with him for a couple of years.

She was shocked when I not only didn't approve, but felt she had colored so far out of the lines of our "agreement" that I considered D.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never had a doubt I would leave. Without the kids I'm sure I would have cut my loses and left. I've never had much tolerance for people who can't keep their word, a fact she's well aware of. My situation might be different than most in that she admitted to the A before I confronted her on it. But she thought for sure that night she told me I would be headed out the door.

It's an interesting perspective I've gained from this. No matter how much we think we understand other's lives, and what is the best course in any given circumstance, you really can't understand until you live it.

As the old adage goes, walk a mile in another's shoes.
In reality, you can't walk in someone else's shoes, you can only walk in your own shoes, down your own path. Sucks that our shoes are now shit-covered, and stink like a gopher crawled into one of the toe and died. Not to mention that the path has more pot holes than the 405 and is covered in monkey feces.

That cookie cutter response of cheat and I'm gone for some just doesn't fit. Before all this I thought it did.

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 6:04 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's funny, but I was convinced that the best way to keep infidelity out of my marriage was to not cheat on my wife. It's always the man, right? Wrong.

A few months back I was flipping through the movie channels and came across a movie that had Hank Williams' "Your Cheating Heart" playing. For the first time, I listened to the words. It was about how guilt-racked cheating would make the (female) subject of the song feel.

In my experience, nothing was further from the truth. From what I can tell, my wife felt absolutely no guilt at all during her affair. She can't recall feeling any, except on the way home after the first encounter. After that it was just a part of her weekly routine. The guilt didn't hit until after D Day.

It boggles the mind. If I live to be 100 I'll never understand what she was going through and how she justified her actions.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think what they're really saying is that during their A, they felt like their fantasized notion of adults.

As in, being adult is a fantasy to them.
What's real - inside them - is a 13yo trapped in an adult's body.
Think about it.

Are not children selfish?
Is not an A the epitome of selfish?

Saying they felt like an adult, while acting as an irresponsible selfish teenager speaks to the terrible true disconnect within; the fantasy, twisted, internal dialogue that substitutes for authenticity.

It's like those funny as hell excuses children make for things when you just know.

It's only confusing because the lips that blab such nonsenses look adult, while the heart within is "arrested" in childhood.
They're "Contraries" I tell ya!

Bruce Lee.
Ping-Pong, nunchucks, and matches...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SncapPrTusA



Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my ex carried on with her affair For the opposite reason. She seemed to be trying to escape adulthood while acquiring a father figure. Strange use of the vagina if you ask me.

Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
Stillkicking
♂ Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never got the makes me feel like an adult but I did get the "he's the only one who understands me" bullshit. Cause after ten years "I" don't really understand her... Meh whatever then.

I am sure that this isn't a big deal to you guys south of the 49th but they just started selling it here a couple weeks ago and I love it, my dad and his buddy would always go down to Montana hunting and he would always bring back a couple of flats, and of course being fourteen I would swipe a six pack or two every time lol

And finishing of the night with something new

Have a good weekend menz

[This message edited by Stillkicking at 8:51 PM, September 6th (Friday)]


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell, I did leave. 4 times before. It wasn't a question that I would again. Hell, I'd been through a divorce already. About as nasty as it gets. Full blown custody battle. I was fully aware of the future for me after infidelity.

I'm here. Fairly successful in R. Fortunately, she did almost everything right, though not right away. Could still be a dealbreaker. I'm very close to an "all-in all-out" decision.

It's going to be a completely different M. Whole new set of expectations.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get to be designated driver tonight so it will be water for me.

Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMFG When did we become able to follow not just people, but topics, too? I missed something at some point.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's funny, but I was convinced that the best way to keep infidelity out of my marriage was to not cheat on my wife.

Really Sal, how fucking naive could we have been? But, that was my plan, 100%.

From what I can tell, my wife felt absolutely no guilt at all during her affair.

At the time, it was "I'm just having a little fun. I'm not in love with him, so it's nothing." It took me thirty years to finally get her to admit (in a whisper), "I actually wasn't that proud of myself at that time."

IDK, maybe there's hope for you and yours too. Jeez!

[This message edited by MoreWould at 4:56 PM, September 7th (Saturday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday a male coworker and I happened upon a pretty explicit conversation happening between 3 (female) coworkers in a public area detailing, fairly graphically, the thrills of being choked during intercourse. My buddy and I basically told them "Hey, we don't really need to hear all that, and we really don't want to." They all three gave us the stinkeye, and one of them told us "Pshh, don't be a little bitch."

Now listen, I'm no prude. I don't really judge what two people do behind closed doors, provided it's all consensual and no one is married to someone else....but c'mon...if I were having that conversation with two other guys and a female coworker objected and I proceeded to make fun of her for it, I'm having a serious conversation with HR the next day, you know? Sometimes it feels as though gender norms are enforced just as hard by the opposite sex as by our own.

Sometimes I just get annoyed that as a man, I'm expected to want to talk about sexual related stuff all day every day, and if I protest at all, I'm somehow less masculine.

Ahhh, double standards.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP, first assuming you were responding to my response. I'm on my fifth woman. Left the 1st 4. I did think of(hell, I hoped) R with the XW, but pretty much knew it was a no brainer. She was semi diagnosed borderline personality.

Second, yep, you guys were being little bitches. Right up until the time it would be advantageous for them to file the damsel in distress card. Then you'd magically transform into the big bad wolf.

Hate the double standard.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like you encountered some real classy ladies, FP. Crass is cool these days.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How is everybody doing this evening. I'm settling in for a lonely night of football and beer


D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jul 2013
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the subject of 'projecting' by our WWs....shit, my wife used to wake up damn-near weekly from nightmares that I was cheating on her with various women from work.
Sounds like you encountered some real classy ladies, FP. Crass is cool these days.

Huh. So I've heard. The strange part is that one of these women is generally pretty classy....but get her into a group with 2 or 3 of the other women, and *bam* instant sex talk. And again, it's not so much the act itself, as much as their reaction when we asked them to stop.

On another note, this morning was the first time I've ever woken up and felt indifferent to the <WEASEL>. The feeling didn't last long, but it WAS there for a few minutes. I guess that's progress? It's gone now, and I'm back to wishing nothing but plague and pestilence upon him. From what I hear though, his life is still super shitty, and his roommate is about to bounce out on him for non-payment of rent.

Peace be upon him.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol at double standards. November 9, 2012 I took my aunt out to the movies. It was the anniversary of her moms, my grandmothers, death.
I didn't really fill my WW in on that at first because she was in a mood( in her A unbeknownst to me). I received the most vile texts about how I was out fucking my girlfriend and to not come home etc.
I didn't log out of Facebook on my IPad I had nothing to hide. She deleted several female friends, called them whores. Accused me of cheating, all of the projections a WW puts out.
On Saturday Nov. 10th she fucks POSER and didn't come home until 3:14. Yep, can't forget the time.
She left at a out 6pm. Said she had diarrhea and was on her period and had to go to the store. ( she was PMS'ing).
She knew I was loyal but to cover her ass she got so nasty and vindicative so that I would be on the defense. How could I possibly think she was cheating if she appeared so convinced I was.
And the being sick thing was genius.
They will stoop to any level to deceive us.
The only commo I received was at 9:10 which read
"Don't worry, out with friends, be home before you leave for work in the morning"
Now my WW, who has two young children at home, was smoking weed, getting drunk, and fucking a loser while on her period.
Something is seriously wrong with a WW's brain housing unit.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 8:27 PM, September 7th (Saturday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, September 7th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About a month before mine left, she looked at me and said "You've never cheated on me, have you?" I chuckled a little, told her that I wasn't that selfish or childish. She looked at me for a second, said OK and then started typing away on her computer. Unbeknownst to me, she was chatting with some guy who told her he was from Australia (fake accent and everything, although when I went into sleuth mode after the A broke, I found out he lived in rural Ohio instead) and I had. no. idea. Even though she had done the same thing early on in our relationship. I honestly thought she grew out of it.

A few months later, she met her new dad, I became better off although it would take me over half a year to realize it, and the rest was history.


Posts: 1323 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.