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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 13
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

71, they do it because they wanted to-it is really as simple as that.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post...edit

64

maybe that's the problem. All of us here are men and there are tons of things we would like to do. Commitment keeps us from that.

I asked her once what's to stop you from doing this again. "She said I don't want to cause anyone this much pain".

I said "I noticed you didn't say because I love you". She said "it didn't stop me the first time".

I don't know why I am dredging this up but it just won't go away.

[This message edited by damaged71 at 12:27 PM, September 11th (Wednesday)]


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

okay, got it. it sounds like you're really asking if or when she will take responsibility for her own actions. whether you did or didn't have enough love for her, it played no part in her choosing to have an affair. that's all on her. it's also all on her as to whether she chooses to take responsibility for that.

she needs to take a long deep hard look at herself. IC may help with that, but she has to be willing to do it.

I would tend to agree, you should have concerns when she decides that you don't love her enough again. have you looked into the 180?

strength


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2087 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just saw your next post, there's no way you should let this one just" go away". she still has underlying issues.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2087 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

5454

I think we are past the 180. I think if I asked her to she would stand on her head. I think she would take any outward action to prove she loves me.

But... she would have done that before the A.

My wife is back to being the perfect wife. Only this time I don't believe it....

I just want to know what "broke". Why did the wheels come off this time?

She knows that there will never be a "do-over" and that any single transgression will be her last in our marriage.

I still want to know why she though it was ok... What mental gymnastics were required for her to do that to my and her 2.5 year old???


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW and I split 5 years back. Ugly, long, disastrous, expensive, financially ruinous divorce that includes permanent alimony. Several issues still being dragged into court.
My business is all but collapsed as trying to be a full-time Dad, housekeeper, family financial manager and consultant is overwhelming.

I am in IC and taking an AD (Celexa).
But I am still a mess. I remain in the 'plain of lethal flatness' and cannot shake myself out of it. Is this just wallowing in self-pity?

Has anyone else stayed this dysfunctional for this long? What do you do to get your life going again?


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1108 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and for what it's worth...

My 42nd birthday is Friday and I just hit a 300 pound squat for the first time in my life. 400 is right around the corner.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merlin, sounds like even under perfect conditions you are under a heavy load.

It might not be one facet of your situation but more of an aggregate of your total situation.

That's a lot of balls for a juggler to keep in the air.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and that is the million dollar question. for someone with an intact moral compass how could you ever understand someone's rationale for throwing away everything? for every answer she gives you will have a response. probably something along the lines of yeah but, what about integrity? what about honesty? what about your marriage vows? what about your husband? what about your daughter?

there is something broken or missing inside a wayward IMO. you're trying to get her give justification To something that is inherently unjustifiable.

the bigger question becomes, can you stay with her if she is incapable of doing that self search? that's where the 180 comes into play. its not a tool designed to get her to stand on her head, its to give you space to determine what you need and will accept.

it all sucks rocks


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2087 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW and I split 5 years back. Ugly, long, disastrous, expensive, financially ruinous divorce that includes permanent alimony. Several issues still being dragged into court.
//////

Has anyone else stayed this dysfunctional for this long?

this is what I feared-even in D, you cannot get away once you have kids together.

That's a tough one, merlin.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think even if she said "I did it because I wanted to", I would be Ok with that.

Right now her only answer is "I thought you didn't love me".

If she would say "I thought you didn't love me and Ihad to have love no matter where I found it" that might be acceptable. Nope all I ever get is the first version.

The reason I am still married is because of my son. I don't think I'd walk after all of this because I am typically not unhappy. I just have these nagging questions.

That being said, some days I want to find out she "slipped" so I can say "Bye".


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damaged71,

By her saying "I thought you didn't love me", it somehow makes me culpable for her actions. For instance in her mind if I would have "loved her more" she wouldn't have done this. So technically to her it's all my fault.

It's called blameshifting and to me its also emotionally abusive. you are spot on with what you are thinking. She isn't owning it at this point. And you are equally right in being concerned that she will do it again next time she "doesn't feel loved". My STBXWW said the same thing. She came right out and said that I had to admit our marriage wasn't good and that I was not being a good husband to her. Flat out said that to me. I knew then , along with some other issues she has, that there was no hope for my situation.

I hope that your WW is willing to make the buck stop with her in regards to the A and own her shit. Maybe she needs to work on how to communicate what she wants to see from you for her to feel loved instead of just outright blaming you.

Sorry you are dealing with someone who isn't getting it yet. Are you in IC or studying up on the 180? Focusing on you at this point may be needed if you aren't already.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got exactly the same line, 71---"I didn't think you loved me"-verbatim. 6 yrs out I know still that wasn't it. Mine also gave "I was lonely" as a reason.
They don't want or need to look deeper.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the bigger question becomes, can you stay with her if she is incapable of doing that self search? that's where the 180 comes into play. its not a tool designed to get her to stand on her head, its to give you space to determine what you need and will accept.

^^^545 nailed it.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some other wise divorced person said to me a while back "divorce is forever".

Now I know what it means.

Damn.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1108 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I mean really, lets face it. If the reasons we got from our WW's were legit reasons for the A, we would have had one too. I guarantee we all had the same feelings of love lost, loneliness, etc they did.

Its so much more than that.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

damaged71 - Anytime I hear an excuse from WW on the topic of her A's, especially if it includes trying to pin the blame on me, the conversation is over because she's in her "covering my ass" mode and to continue on would only lead to madness. It took years for me to finally get this and save myself a lot of stress.

Top 5 excuses for screwing other men while being married to me include:
1. "I thought our marriage was over anyway."
2. "My mother died and I suffered temporary insanity."
3. "I was 40 and having a mid-life crisis."
4. "I thought you loved the baby more than me."
5. "You're an asshole."

There are many more excuses because she's actually quite creative when it comes to lying and covering her ass, but you get the point. Making excuses and blame-shifting are tools used by WS's to avoid owning up for their horrid behavior.

Btw our son was 2 years old when she started up her sluttiness. It still boggles my mind after all these years.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Top 5 excuses for screwing other men while being married to me include:
1. "I thought our marriage was over anyway."
2. "My father died and I suffered temporary insanity."
3. "I was 50 and having a mid-life crisis."
4. "I thought you loved the baby more than me."
5. "You're an asshole."
---------

Heard all of these kite. And this is just the short list.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1108 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Making excuses and blame-shifting are tools used by WS's to avoid owning up for their horrid behavior.

All my wife says are things like "I was stupid and selfish", "I wasn't thinking," and "I don't like the person I became."

Last night she told me that she was "ashamed and mortified" by her A behavior.

She has also mentioned seeing an opportunity to escape things like family responsibilities and the boredom of every day life by creating a double life, and not being able to resist the urge to take it.

But she can't really articulate a good reason for having an A. Maybe because there are no good reasons?


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


The bad part in all of this is that the reason she was "lonely" was that I took a position that almost doubled my salary.

Going in, upfront I knew the job was going to be a beating for about 6 months. It was non-stop for me for 6 solid months. I didn't have time to sleep. She knew this going in. I did it for us.

She didn't get enough attention and my inclusion here is how I got repaid for it.

As far as I go, I am a different man than I was 17 months ago. I am the same man I was 20 years ago and I'm never changing again. I told my wife how things were going to be in a financial decision last week. She said "I'm mad". I said "you have every right to be mad but it's not going to change a thing. I am the head of this household and I will do as I see fit, it's my responsibility not yours".

I will never acquiesce to her wants over my good judgement again.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
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