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User Topic: Do you ever apologize to your WH/WW
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do you ever apologize for losing your cool with your spouse after learning about the A or after a trigger has set you off? Just wondering -- I lost it on my WH today (trigger moment) not hitting, just yelling, and I left the situation, but I didn't apologize and my friend, who also was cheated on (years before me and has since had MC/IC and is in R) says that her MC told her to apologize after those situations, not for the emotions or how she feels but for the words she used (most of them not so nice ) because this type of hostility is "unproductive". Not sure I agree with this and thought I should ask others who've been through this.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
41andthankful
♀ Member
Member # 38650
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I did apologize a lot. One of my biggest struggles in the beginning was my response to him. I would torture myself if I said things that hurt him because that is just how I'm wired. I have found better ways to express myself without causing more harm.

Posts: 241 | Registered: Mar 2013
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did (and do) apologize to my WS sometimes, although I have been told many times that I owe him no such sorry. But that's never been the way I operate. I always say sorry so long as I agree that I was in the wrong. Yes, he was an ass. But that doesn't require me to be an ass also. Two wrongs don't make a right, you know?


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am almost a year since Dday. I apologize too. I want this to work. When we get into arguments or discussions because of my triggers, I can be pretty lethal.

I am not apologizing because of my feelings, just the way I come across.

We both need to heal. Me from the pain and destruction he caused and him from the man that lacked the moral values and self-esteem to make the right choices. That isn't going to happen if I make him feel worthless all the time due to my triggers.

I am not saying it is my job to heal him. I am just saying that we are not going to get anywhere if I break him down. I am sure he does that to himself all on his own.

Besides, I refuse to allow his A change who I am. I want to heal, not become some bitter, resentful, hateful, and entitled women because of him and the AP.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LMAO! Apologize to him for calling him a fucking scumbag and calling her a piece of shit whore?

1,000 times over the course of 5 months?

He has a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than he does getting an apology from me.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1710 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than he does getting an apology from me

That's how I feel...it's only been two months and he wants to R, but, I can't bring myself to apologize.
I feel like if he didn't have sex with another woman he wouldn't be dealing with my hurt and anger
BUT I do understand what the other posters are saying such as

Yes, he was an ass. But that doesn't require me to be an ass also.
and
I have found better ways to express myself without causing more harm
and
That isn't going to happen if I make him feel worthless all the time due to my triggers

Thanks


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were having this discussion last night. I did apologize because I over reacted. Healing from this takes a lot of time. Trusting again takes time. Even at 2 years out, its still isn't complete for us in R yet. We keep working on it.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
carnelian
♀ Member
Member # 24824
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For all the stuff said in the months after D-Day? No. I feel my anger was extremely productive in making him face himself and getting the help he needed.

[This message edited by carnelian at 10:06 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]


What are you going to do when he leaves you?

Posts: 564 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Europe
nestlee
♀ Member
Member # 39871
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never apologized and never will. I only called him what he is a Liar a cheater and a filthy pig. If he's hurt by this oh well ..cause the truth hurts.


A woman needs a man..Like a fish needs a Bycicle.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Canada
ShockedErica11
♀ Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than he does getting an apology from me.

^^^THIS!!

I'm using this forever and ever. Thank you for this gem.

But on a more serious note, I'm on the fence. Sometimes, I apologize, but other times I don't. I'm of the mind, like a previous poster, I was civil and what have you during his TT, and really just wanted answers. Yes, before that, I admit that I too can be lethal when I'm pissed, sarcasm becomes my language of choice and I'm like Mister Miyagi and "show NO mercy". I burn hot as an inferno, but once I've burned off the more active emotions my rational mind takes over and then I want to talk. I struggle with the fact that other people's emotions don't move that fast in which they can switch gears at lightning speed; especially not WH's.

So, sometimes, I apologize. Other times, I think like a poster said above: you had me at the most rational and wanting to talk and then you lied to me? You took two years of my life away from me and I'm still expected to be dignified and civil and treat you with respect after you single-handedly disrespected me? You acted like an entitled, pompous asshole and I'm expected to not show one iota of how pissed off this makes me?

Screw that.

And I hate that because usually I'm much nicer. It's funny how much of "true" myself has retreated since this mess started.


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I apologized.

Just as we expect our spouses to be in control of themselves and communicate with US clearly...we need to do our best to do the same.

YOU are in control of how you act. Not him, YOU.

Flying off the handle is unproductive, and it is a lack of control. We have all been there, but it's not nice, and it's not being the best we can be, so I do apologize for the times that I yell and throw tantrums at WH.

Just because he was a jerk does not give me the right to be one.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never apoligized for what I have said to him. It was the truth as I saw it and he deserved it. I have apoligized for losing it to the point of throwing a drink in his face once. It was not productive to our R efforts or the way I should have handled his OW attempting to break NC and him not telling me she did. I try my best not to continue to throw the A up to him and lower his self-esteem, because let's face it, that is what caused him to cheat in the first place. I do however point out to him when he does something I consider selfish and he now apoligizes for these things himself. I will never apoligize for calling him a lying, manipulative, sleazy cheating SOB because that was what he was.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I apologized about a year past DDay when something screwy came up on a bill after he made a purchase on his computer. I totally freaked out...he came home from work in the middle of the day because I was so crazy on the phone telling him to get out. He kept apologizing telling me he didn't know anything about it. He never got defensive. We ended up calling the company and it turned out he was telling the truth.

I did not apologize for jumping all over him, though...I apologized because I did not take the time to get the facts first.

That was when I realized H was trying hard to help me heal and I needed to let up a little on both him and me. As more things came along over time that raised my antenna and they proved to be nothing I found it easier and my reactions became less volatile.....but I would never have been that volatile if H hadn't cheated so no apology for the anger or pain.....they are totally a result of his actions.

Apologizing is something both of us have learned to do more of now but almost four years out, it's usually for things that are not A related.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1671 | Registered: Mar 2010
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I apologize when I say something unusually mean or stupid. Sometimes I wonder how much of my reaction to his EA is coming from my past? I just didn't expect to fall apart like this and I didn't think it would hurt this bad. I use to be able to sit in my therapists office and tell him horrible details about things that were done to me as a child and not shed a tear. I could disassociate myself from the pain and trauma. As soon as I start to talk about my husband and what he did, the tears flow and I can barely breathe.

Posts: 640 | Registered: Jul 2013
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ scubachick

As soon as I start to talk about my husband and what he did, the tears flow and I can barely breathe.

((HUGS)) When I talk about my H and his A I feel the same way.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, but I should apologize to those poor glass dishes that met their demise in a garbage can...


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2101 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
huRtZ413
♀ Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i say sorry alot cause i make stabs and rude comments alot so yeah.....its reminds me of the song
please dont leave me-by pink



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
whatamidoing
♀ Member
Member # 37152
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said sorry for my lack in our relationship
I said sorry for some of my strong reactions
I said sorry for not getting over this
I said sorry for making up a person who didn't really exist
I say sorry almost every day
and I am
I am not getting better at sayin sorry to myself
that is new


A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself
_________________________________
BS Me 43
WH 42
DD June 2nd '12
LTA (2+ yrs)
False R Many times from July '12 till now forced D
OW: acting like she is the wife

Posts: 182 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Guelph
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really struggle with this. I apologize a lot. My IC says that I apologize too much, for stuff that I shouldn't apologize for. I have this urge to make sure that he's never upset at me, because I live in fear that he'll cheat again. But often as soon as I apologize, I get angry at having to apologize. None of this is my fault. He cheated. He caused my anger and depression. Why should I have to apologize? But, I do.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1124 | Registered: Jul 2013
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't apologize for anything I have said that is related to the infidelities.

I did apologize to him last week for telling him to "shut up" when he tried to explain (make excuses) for something that was not A related. I told him "I should not have saidshut up, I should have said, I don't want to talk to you right now or listen to anything you have to say unless it is an apology." That would have been better communication on my part.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Topic Posts: 31
Pages: 1 · 2

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