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User Topic: Do you ever apologize to your WH/WW
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told WH some things the past couple of days that I refuse to apologize for. I'm filing for D and he was being a jerk the other day after I let OW know about my STD that he refused to advise her about. He said I made him look like an ass in front of her and her/their friends since she will probably tell them all.

He was using profanity to me and being an idiot. So I let him have it right back. Told him I felt the last 20 years were a waste, that he is a lying, cheating jerk, that I'm tearing up all photographs with him in them so he'd better hide the ones he wants to keep.

I said goodbye and good riddance.

WH said "I would never say such bad things to you. I know I screwed up but what you are saying is just wrong."

I said you were secretly cake-eating all year long. You are disgusted with my words, but I am disgusted with your actions which have been horrific compared to my harsh text messages today.

I shouldn't have gotten into it with him at all. But he was acting like an idiot today.

I have no clue if I was in the wrong by saying those things. I was offended he expected me to care what OW and her friends thought about me exposing the STD may have spread to her. I don't care if he looks like an ass in front of people. He should.

I imagine though if we were in R, I would probably apologize for saying such things. But I want him out of my life in every way and he's been an absolute douche bag.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appologize all of the time. Triggers are an uncontrollable occurrence and the sooner you realize that the better.we have openly and honestly talked about how both of us react to things and how we feel when either of us is sad, down or triggering. To acknowledge the pain, explain the feelings or hurt, and then appologize for your uncontrollable actions does not show weakness. I think it shows strength.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I didn't/don't apologize because I have nothing to apologize for. On each DDay I held my reactions in because I was afraid of him. I never once communicated anything to him post DDay that I hadn't worked through with my IC first in order to have my words be the most effective & productive. He NEVER saw me out of control. I never called him the names I wanted to say, never said to him the things I truly believe about him or know about him. He has never had to face me. During MC I tolerated his idiot IC who was co-facilitating with my IC. I went along with the "you only can ask questions tonight, and you can only ask them one time, you can't ever bring this up again" bullshit and sat there quietly with a pleasant look on my face while he lied, lied, lied and lied some more (and I knew he was lying). When I Hefty Bagged him it was his own consequences for being so terrifying, angry, threatening and bullying that I was in fear for my life and the lives of my children. I make no apology for following the advice of my counselor, the DV advocacy group, my pastors and my lawyer for Hefty Bagging him & fleeing town.

BTW, he's never apologized to me, either. Of course he's never admitted to cheating, so...


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9497 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Girlietoo
♀ Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've apologized way too much, IMO. I've said I was sorry for being an awful wife, for struggling with depression, for crying, for being devastated.

I've actually thanked him for not having intercourse with her. Thanked him for doing everything but penetration


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 245 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. Hell no.
I do not and will not ever apologize.
Sure, I have felt horrible for some of the things I've said but guess what?
I'd never would have said those things had my WH kept his dick in his pants.
I will not apologize for my feelings. I say what I want - no filters over here.

I cannot control my anger at times - do I wish I could have reacted better?
Of course! I do express this to WH.
But he understands why I feel how I do.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
vivere
♀ Member
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, particularly early days when I triggered and went on a verbal tirade.

Although understandable, not justifiable. Using my words as weapons and trying deliberately to wound my WH was something I would apologise for when the dust settled and I realised I could have handled things better.

The tirades really just highlighted my poor communication skills.


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 315 | Registered: Jan 2012
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never apologized for the things that I said in the early days. Nor for my reactions, rage, tirades, breakage of things, and booting him out of the bedroom. I have nothing to apologize for, for these actions. They were all actions that a reasonable person would have, in such a situation. And he certainly hasn't asked me to apologize nor expected one.

I have apologized when I have accused him of things that turned out to not be true.

I have apologized when I have been inappropriate in my actions.

I have apologized for everything that I did, in our marriage, that led to our marriage problems. And I will keep apologizing for them (as is he) until the apologies are no longer needed.

All of the above took some time for me to do. But I was only able to get to that place by the consistent *actions* of my FWH towards R. Had he been unrepentant, as your WH is, then I would never let an apology cross my lips.

I will never apologize for my reactions to his ONS. But I will certainly own my own shit and apologize for spreading it around.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4715 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not for the first year and a half, now if I say something out of line I apologize for saying it that way and explain how I feel. My IC was very clear, no need to feel guilty in the beginning. They have bombed your life and this is the fallout! Once my WH had a good IC (1st one stank), he had him acknowledge how much he hurt me every time I got upset. Amazingly, I haven't called him any bad names since he has been doing that.

[This message edited by Missymomma at 6:55 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I apologize sometimes but only after true R started.

For the first 4months I felt he deserved unfiltered thoughts from me. I don't regret anything I said or did because it was honest and he needed to see and feel my anguish firsthand. I also needed to see him handle my wrath and despair and stay the course. It gave me confidence to move forward.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 530 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shortly after D-day, I think the WS expects a certain amount of yelling and name calling. If your long term goal is to R, then anger is poison to R.

If you feel the anger coming on, acknowledge it, understand what is driving it, and discuss things later. It's important to acknowledge the anger and the cause in your mind, so that it is not buried or repressed. Once you understand the source of the anger, it will help you better direct your feelings/questions to your WS to help you heal.

The problem with lashing out in anger is that often the reaction of the person it is directed against is to react with anger. If that occurs while emotions are strong, things can quickly spiral out of control, and can lead to a destructive outcome.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5634 | Registered: Aug 2007
canteat
♀ Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I apologize for things that I say or do when I feel I could have handled the situation in a better way.

I believe for us to have a successful R we need to treat each other with kindness, love and understanding. We need to create the type of M that we want to have. We are trying to build a new M, a new partnership. And I don't think me staying on my high horse lends itself to the type of relationship I want to build with my H. I feel that we both need to apologize to each other when it is warranted. I have no need to hold the A over his head or "punish" him for his actions. There has been enough pain (on both sides) and it is time to let that go.

That does not mean that I don't get angry or hurt. That does not mean that I don't say hurtful and evil things because I do. But that is not who I want to be and not the type of relationship I want to build.

So I apologize.


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 31
Pages: 1 · 2

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