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User Topic: Self-Harm and the A
ShockedErica11
♀ Member
Member # 37550
Flame  Posted: 10:12 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was brought up in a thread going on in Wayward that I answered, but now I'm very curious about this.

I know that this IS an unhealthy coping mechanism, but I wonder how many BSs (and WSs) have turned to this method to deal with the pain of betrayal.

No, I am not advocating it. It isn't the best method to use to deal with pain, but I have used self-harm before WH's A, in my younger years, to deal with the emotional upheavals of my life.

So, I'm asking, how many have turned to self-harm? How many thought they kicked the habit but it came roaring back? What are your experiences?


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had never self-harmed myself (by cutting) until this last A my WH had. I actually attempted suicide and required inpatient and outpatient. A very scary place for me. I try not to go there when I am really upset. It's the one thing about myself that really bothers me.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 10:20 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Raising my hand.

I've done it twice. Both were during a trigger..one that hit me hard..and my WH wasn't being supportive. He was actually telling me I deserved to be cheated on..that no one would ever be faithful to me..because Im not worth it.

I know that there has been talk on SI that women who react violently do so because they feel in control. I can tell you..that was not the case with me. I felt very much out of control..of myself and my life. I felt very,very helpless. And I was so angry with myself for being in this position. I felt worthless,and stupid. Each time I've hurt myself,it was because I was hating who I was in that moment..and I just felt so disgusted with myself.

I have never hurt myself before..well..Im clumsy,so let me say I have never intentionally hurt myself before..until a few months ago. It's happened twice. The second time I did it,I remember WH saying to me,in this disgusted tone of voice,"OMG. You are crazy. You've lost it. What's wrong with you? You are FUCKED up!" So..yeah..that didn't make me feel any better.

It's humiliating to hurt yourself. I am so embarrassed that he saw me like that.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7151 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was actually telling me I deserved to be cheated on

(((confused615))) I have been told the same thing during one of our fights.

"OMG. You are crazy. You've lost it. What's wrong with you? You are FUCKED up!"
God I heard the same after my suicide attempt. He even told MOW about it. She claims that's why he is staying with me because he is afraid I will commit suicide.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 12:35 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have. I had strong suicidal feelings. But I knew it would hurt the kids.

I've hurt myself in a few ways, cutting actually didn't leave the worst marks.

I went a year without hurting myself once I got into a good IC and had some meds.

Recently, I did it again because the situation I was in just got beyond my coping skills.

It came from a place of wanting two things: a distraction from the emotional pain and feelings like the emotional pain was building pressure inside me and I had to let it out.

Confused- that's awful and proves his username is a lie. He doesn't get it. Doesn't get the absolute pain and how hard it is to cope and hold onto sanity.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 12:37 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣


Posts: 10999 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
JustAShadow
♀ Member
Member # 38370
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's never been a habit for me but I have done it a 5 - 6 times - either cutting or literally banging my head on a wooden table until there was a goose egg.

And I want to paste in statements from everyone's posts because each has something that hit true for me.

* Feeling way out of control of life AND needing a release for all of the rage and hurt that was building up.

* Being told by my WH (who is a counselor) that I was "crazy". He added in that he knows because he works with crazy every day.

* Being told that he has told the OW that he feared I would commit suicide so he was afraid to leave.

[This message edited by JustAShadow at 12:55 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


ME: 41 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 1997, 2003
Him: 35 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 2004, 3/2012 - 3/2014
Status: Living Apart

Posts: 194 | Registered: Feb 2013
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep.

Not cutting; even the thought of cutting makes me feel faint.

Hitting. Slapping, punching. Usually my upper thighs, sometimes my face. One time I did drag my arm across a sharp corner of our closet shelving, which left a nasty scratch and then a scar.

It wasn't a feeling of self-disgust or self-hatred that made me do it. It was a sense of overwhelming pain. I couldn't stand the emotional pain, so I caused physical pain to myself. It's a distraction, I guess. Something else to focus on.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6564 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have.

As a teen/young adult it was minor. I would dig my nails deeply into my arms etc.

When I found out about the A I used a knife and cut my thigh. I hate that he saw me doing that but the feeling of pain inside was so overwhelming and I didn't know how to let it out.

I don't recommend it. I try my best not to do it. But honestly, it helped. It released some if the intenseness.

:(


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 886 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
brokendancer7
♀ Member
Member # 39911
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did a lot of cutting after fWH's first affair. Despair built up inside me, and I couldn't see any way to feel better, so I cut. Somehow, seeing the blood calmed me down and let out pressure. I stopped it as I started feeling better.

After the most recent DDay, the pressure was back, and I went back to cutting. At one of our sessions, our MC saw the cuts and asked me, in a strong way, not to do it. She said if I felt like doing it to call her. I guess that made me try harder to stop. So far, I've been able to resist. It is embarrassing and messed up, so I hope I won't do it again.


Me: BS - 58
Him: WS - 56
Married 34 yrs

Latest DD - April 2013, PA


Posts: 181 | Registered: Jul 2013
ShockedErica11
♀ Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To everyone, I comepletely understand where you are coming from, and I've had the same feeling of pressure build-up, where every single pain seems like a neverending onslaught.

I usually don't like the sight of blood; freaks me out, and I've always told friends and family in a joking manner that I could totall be a surgeon if people didn't bleed, but just like some posters said: once I see the blood, it kind of calms me down.

I am not advocating it; I am not trying to condone it either. I want to see how many people have actually done it, and am wondering how they are seeking help for it. I haven't quite gotten that far with my IC yet as I won't be seeing her next until next month due to scheduling conflicts.

How has anyone been able to resist the urge, if you can? What helped?

I've been overwhelmed, and this site helps and hurts (A LOT), and that pressure is building up again; I don't want to release it that way. What do some of you guys do instead?


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh God yes.

The day I found he had changed his passwords on me I knew he was cheating and had a lot to hide. My bottom fell out of my world. I rang him at work screaming what was he hiding and he came home gave me a load of verbal abuse then left - making sure he text her on the way so she would know he was coming back into work, even then his instinct was to text her. he left me alone with my cupboard full of bipolar meds and I took a strip of everything. I guess I nearly managed it seeing as I was unconscious and on a heart monitor for 24 hours. Hallucinating and attacking him despite being totally unaware. even then he sat with his head in his hands and told my family 'it was just texting'.

I have also punched a door hard enough to leave knuckle imprints, banged my head against things.

I would like to say I am done but I am still doing stupid things just to get through each day. Taking more meds than I should, mixing with alcohol etc

I just want oblivion. The pain is too much.


Together 18yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = final confession of sex 16th june 2013

Posts: 587 | Registered: Jul 2013
Mack9512
♀ Member
Member # 38619
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My thing is hair plucking. Trichotillomania. I go in waves of doing it a lot to barely doing it at all. I don't pull out the on my head though. Just my legs and I have the scars to prove it. Stress makes it worse. I've gone at my legs for hours on end at my worst.

After my fWH's A, I did start compulsively digging my right thumb into the palm of my left hand. (I use to do this when I was hiding from my abuser when I was little.) Did it so much that I actually caused permanent damage to my hand. The brace that I have to wear on my hand put a stop to this one though.

My fWH's knows about both and is really good about distracting me enough to make me stop doing it.


"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo

Posts: 377 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
lonelylost
♀ Member
Member # 36784
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've done this too.
The emotional pain was definitely too great to hold in. I remember that clearly. It was a release with a mixture of self hatred. I did it right after I caught Xwh with neighbor lady. I think I wanted a scar, something physical to remind myself what he was doing (he used to rugsweep and pretend nothing happened)so that if I ever became stupid and soft over the reality of the situation, I could look down and see and touch that scar.

Now I know better...he wasn't worth it and I shouldn't determine my worth based on someone else.


Divorced Jan 2013

"Don't look back, the road is long."
- Needtobreathe


Posts: 208 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: IL
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How has anyone been able to resist the urge, if you can? What helped?

Try holding an ice cube to your skin, it hurts but doesn't leave any scars.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I pull the skin off my fingers and around my nails. My fingers often have scabs on them from doing this. Sometimes I don't even realize that I'm doing it, and I'm not trying to hurt myself. Other times I think the physical pain helps to distract me from whatever my mind is thinking about it.

I try to fight it by getting my nails professionally done. I'm embarrassed to see the person that does my nails with them looking badly, so it helps to stop it some.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1046 | Registered: Jul 2013
Girlietoo
♀ Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have had a pretty crappy life with all kinds of trauma and I never even thought about harming myself. Until two days after D day, sitting in the Walmart parking lot. I felt compelled to cut myself. I describe it as an intrusive thought. Well I cut my stomach up pretty badly and it felt very good. I never understood how hurting oneself could feel good but now I understand.

I cut myself 3 times in the days immediately after D day. I did so again last night. At the time it felt good but today, looking at myself in the mirror, I asked why I keep doing this to myself:/

I hope to never do it again. I actually had to cancel a medical appointment because I didn't want the doctor to see the cuts. I did tell both my doctor and counsellor about it though.

One of the things that angers me is the fact that after all these years through various victimizations the one person I loved and trusted pushed me to do something that I have never even thought of doing before.


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 235 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
sullymeishadomi
♀ Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stabbed myself twice in the arm (should have required stitches but I didnt go. I cut a sock and used it as a tight bandage).

Ive taken pills

Ive done other things.

I hurt myself out of self hate. I took all the pain and anger and turned it inward

Not smart He isnt worth hurting myself.

[This message edited by sullymeishadomi at 5:32 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not

Posts: 8210 | Registered: Sep 2007
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I self-harmed growing up.

I haven't self injured in several years now. I will still have the urge from time to time. If I stop and figure out what I need emotionally and verbalize it, the urge goes away. And, to be more specific, I need to know that I have been "heard."

For me, the key was to get emotionally/mentally stable. I had no choice but to do so after my life completely fell apart.

I also take lots of pride in raising my kids in an emotionally/mentally healthy environment and stopping dysfunction. It's something my grandmother, my mother, and I never had. This is a really good reminder for me to try to keep myself as healthy as possible.

As for finding comfort: I find lots of comfort in being creative-from music to needlework to knitting. I get super zen when I can do something rhythmic and repetitive. Yoga and and mindfulness also helps me.

[This message edited by IRN2006 at 5:33 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
nestlee
♀ Member
Member # 39871
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried to commit suicide when I was 16.. I have 2 huge scars on my left wrist. Every time I glance at them ..they remind me of how foolish I was. Doesn't matter how bad things get. I'll never harm my self again.


A woman needs a man..Like a fish needs a Bycicle.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Canada
avicarswife
♀ Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 4:36 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right after d-day I would find myself rocking backwards and forwards and rubbing my hairbrush to and fro across the my arm. I didn't stop until I had grazes and weeping wounds all over my arm. Mostly I was unaware I was even doing it until I would feel the dampness - I was in such a state.

Given that it is my WH who has depression and suicidal ideation and I had never self-harmed in any way it was a strange turn.

As I was often unaware I had started doing it my IC suggested as it was generally only when I was blow drying my hair that I stood up while drying my hair instead of sitting or moved to another room. For other occasions she suggested a few alternative things to do to distract me.


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 711 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

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