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User Topic: Self-Harm and the A
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I fight the impulse to cut myself all the time. I have only actually cut once. I have slapped myself, punched myself in the face, banged my head against a wall and scratched my face to the point of having long scabs.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 912 | Registered: Oct 2012
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sawh and I got into a fight last night and I made myself throw up afterwards.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been thinking about this post... Why do we do this? I would like to know why others felt the urge to self-harm?

For me I have been able to identify a number of issues that prompt the urge to self-harm.
1) I feel intense anger towards WH and want to physically hurt him, because I can't physically attack him, I seem to re-direct that urge onto myself. My urge for self-harm is basically self-directed rage
2)I feel self-loathing for:
a) denying the signs of his A for so long
b)Wanting to reconcile
c)tolerating his lying, TT, defensiveness, arrogance etc for so long
d)being a doormat to not only WH, but to other family-members
e)having eternal hope that the people who treat me badly will ultimately change

I would be really interested to hear what others who have self-harmed feel has prompted them to do so.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 912 | Registered: Oct 2012
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted desperately to cut last night but H was there and got the knife away from me.

For me it is purely pain I think. It hurts so badly inside and transferring that to physical pain (but for me only certain things work) helps release it.

It's also a bit meditative I guess. I can't do it and bawl, I calm down a bit just in the "doing".

It sucks though. I recognize that it is a terrible coping mechanism.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 886 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itsaclimb - I echo your thoughts. I loathe myself, too. For same reasons. I have gotten physical with him and have called him terrible names. I have never I have never done that before with any one, but I've never felt that kind of intense RAGE before. DD was 5 months ago, I felt like I was making progress but something triggered in me last night and I went off. It's like I want to sabotage the R so that I don't end up betrayed again. SAWH think I will feel this level of rage for him forever. I do need to get help. It's getting to the point where I am starting to self destruct.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
hobbeskat
♀ Member
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I self harmed severely for years, and as a result, I'm covered in bad scarring. I hadn't done it for 3 years until my husband's A, and then I did it again once. But not since.

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
ShockedErica11
♀ Member
Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been thinking about this post... Why do we do this? I would like to know why others felt the urge to self-harm?
For me I have been able to identify a number of issues that prompt the urge to self-harm.
1) I feel intense anger towards WH and want to physically hurt him, because I can't physically attack him, I seem to re-direct that urge onto myself. My urge for self-harm is basically self-directed rage
2)I feel self-loathing for:
a) denying the signs of his A for so long
b)Wanting to reconcile
c)tolerating his lying, TT, defensiveness, arrogance etc for so long
d)being a doormat to not only WH, but to other family-members
e)having eternal hope that the people who treat me badly will ultimately change
I would be really interested to hear what others who have self-harmed feel has prompted them to do so.

For me, I’d started in HS. It was always preceded by intense self-loathing, self-hatred, when the “voices” in my head would get so intense that I just couldn’t shut them up. I have a serious guilt complex so that, even if I say something truthful, but it was too blunt or perceived as “mean”, I’ll beat myself up over how “tactless” I was. I’ll beat myself over my stupidity, my failings in a situation, my own social anxiety at times. This affair really hasn’t helped; I’ll literally, logically list all of the reasons why my WH was right to have his A, why he enjoyed his A and why being with me was actually burdensome, loaded with responsibility and lost its “excitement, positivity and spark”. And of course, in doing so, I will take my anger, frustration, depression and sadness and anguish out on myself: I have cut myself, the last time was a month or so ago; during WH’s TT, I attempted to take a cocktail of pills; I’ve rammed my head into walls; I’ve punched myself repeatedly in the head and body. Well, yesterday, I took matches and pressed them into my skin to feel the burn because that was the logicking session that I’m talking about.

It stops the thoughts because like a poster said, I do calm myself down to be methodical about it. And the release from it is a touch cathartic; for some reason, the build up of all of my emotions get released and it gets taken down a notch or two as opposed to being incredibly intense like it was before the self-harm.

I have a nasty scar on my thigh where I attempted to cut really deep to get to an artery because I was intent on killing myself; this is from my previous relationship, and I feel completely abhorrent that I did that; that I got so low. I’m angry that I’ve gotten so low again when I promised myself I wouldn’t get to this point again, but I have. Like during the start of this whole mess, when WH first told me half the truth, I took sewing needles and jabbed them into my skin.

Now, I try to utilize chanting, but to be honest, it still doesn’t work. WH asked me to take out on him what I do to myself. Foolishly, I agreed and hit him on three separate occasions. Not cool. So, now I’m struggling to get out of this spiral of rage and anger and depression. Because none of these things are helping nor are they really conducive to getting us to R.

I just wish I could forget all of this had ever happened.


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
SoOver96
♀ Member
Member # 40169
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have my husband was on a drunken rage and said stuff that I thought to myself why should even be on this earth that the one person that I made my life with doesn't even want me on this earth I've loved him since I was 14 and to hear him say those things to me broke me. We aren't in R anymore because he doesn't care if it works out or not and to be honest he have to do the work I'm tired of fighting a one sided battle for the man I love I'll always love him but if he doesn't want to be here I'm not forcing him no way

Posts: 171 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Illinois
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

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