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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reconcile, Oh wait what did I do?
ANA70
♀ Member
Member # 33512
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone tried to get over it all? Thought I can do this I can forgive and then found that with forgiving comes forgetting, and feeling like you just don't feel like it is worth it, or maybe that you have realized that you are worth more?

I guess the farther I get into reconciliation I find I don't like this life. I want my knight in shining armor, I want my happy ending where I was never lied to, cheated on, forgotten. Why now does he get to decide he loves me so much and can't live without me? I guess I was afraid to lose him to one of those women, now I don't understand why me?

Help?


Me BS40 WH39
1st DDAY 7/09
2nd DDAY 9/11
Married 18 years trying R
1 Princess 15
Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Posts: 151 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Neverland
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

with forgiving comes forgetting,
To start, I disagree with this statement.
Has anyone tried to get over it all?
Second, I don't understand what you mean by this? Get over it all? No, there is no "getting over it all". Even fully reconciled and healed, it will always be there, like scar tissue.

There is no forgetting or pretending that it didn't happen. Ever. Not in a healthy reconciliation.

Are you in MC? This is something you need to talk to your spouse about.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9797 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ANA,
I think we'd all like that life, but it was not the hand we were dealt. If you read the statistics, few people get that life. So now you have a choice between loving a flawed human being, or going out and trying to create what may end up being, in the end, a fantasy. We all have our struggles. . .adultery, addictions of all kinds, financial woes, ill health, etc.

While many of us would love to turn back the clock, I think the best we can hope for is getting super smart and coming out with a better marriage in the end. . . and not one based on a fairy tale.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 11:51 AM, August 23rd (Friday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2058 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the best we can hope for is getting super smart and coming out with a better marriage in the end. . . and not one based on a fairy tale.

I like this^a lot!!!


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
ANA70
♀ Member
Member # 33512
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, so maybe I didn't make it clear I guess what I meant by
FORGIVING IS FORGETTING
for me is that the more I try to forgive the harder it becomes for me. We don't have sex. Some of the things I read make me still feel inadequate about our sex life. No we have never done Marriage Counseling my H has done loads of counseling and I feel bad because I do believe he does truly love me and wants this to work. I just feel that I don't know if I have it in me. I know I am too old to believe in fairy tales and yes I know there is not really a knight in shining armor or true happy endings like fairy tales, just the ones you make. I was just looking to see if anyone ever tried or thought they really wanted reconciliation and couldn't actually do it. Couldn't get past it all?


Me BS40 WH39
1st DDAY 7/09
2nd DDAY 9/11
Married 18 years trying R
1 Princess 15
Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Posts: 151 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Neverland
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

was just looking to see if anyone ever tried or thought they really wanted reconciliation and couldn't actually do it. Couldn't get past it all?
Hey Ana. I read through this string and here is my 2 cents. This is something that you can't just forgive and forget and get over. MC has worked wonders for us. I have read some places the infidelity is sometimes the result of many marital issues and read articles on how to affair proof a marriage etc. Honestly sometimes it is a deal breaker for people. You will have to see if that is the case for you. I believe acceptance was the hardest thing for me to experience. Accepting it happened and there is nothing you can do to change it. Accepting your WS wasn't the person you had them as in your mind and accept that this is now engrained in your marital history. I found with accepting that I was able to begin forgiving. BUT it has taken ALOT of working on our marital issues and many long nights of heavy conversation, anger, tears, frustration and sadness to get there. We are still working on sex and intimacy. I believe that is a huge insecurity for a BS and it is something you have to work on together. Look into MC it was the best thing we did.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jewlz
♀ Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way just about every other 5 minutes. Hang in there. I think that we will make the right choice when it is the right time.

I am not sure either way right now what to do because the whole time he was with OW (he left our home and was with her) I just wanted him to want me back. Now that he does, I'm not sure what I want or whether I can "get past" it. I'm not sure the A was a dealbreaker and he knows this is where I am.

Sending hugs, try to have a nice weekend!


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 119 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Jewlz
♀ Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why now does he get to decide he loves me so much and can't live without me?

It is your life too and your M that you need to make sure YOU are happy in. He doesn't get to decide on his own but I know what you are saying. You feel like he came and went as he pleased in a way? We can't help feel like they've "called the shots" in all this.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 119 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The "forgiveness" thing seems to be a stumbling block for many here. It seems so many worry about forgiving, getting and giving forgiveness.

Don't worry about forgiveness, don't even think about it. Forgiveness will come in little bits and pieces and one day you will wake up and realize that you have forgiven your WS. Or not. Some feel you don't have to forgive to reconcile.

I agree, the more you try to forgive the harder it gets. Because it probably isn't the right time for forgiveness for you. This is something that can't be forced or rushed. It comes with healing. I feel that through healing you can forgive. I don't feel (for me, anyway) that forgiveness causes healing.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9797 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think if the WS isn't doing the work, or making changes in themselves for the better, then you can get to a point where you may not get to happy with them again.

Lets face it the hard truth of infidelity is that it changes who you are at a fundemental level. It changes what your marriage is at a fundemental level, and usually it changes who the WS's is, or at least reveals the true person they were all along.

That being said when we heal ourselves, and become that newer, stronger, person we are entitled to make the choice to be happy, and for some that doesn't include their spouse. That is ok too.
I certainly would not have stayed around if my H had decided that he was entitled to do whatever he wanted when he wanted, even if he treated me well.
So yah if you are feeling like it may not be worth it, it may not. But you need to figure out why it's not enough.
I found that the biggest part of my healing from the infidelity happened when I chose to make myself a priority. Not my M, not my H, but me. For the first time in 15years I put me first. It was selfish but necessary. I was horribly codependent, and relied on others happiness to make me happy. I had to find my own happiness, then the rest fell into place.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8703 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found that the biggest part of my healing from the infidelity happened when I chose to make myself a priority. Not my M, not my H, but me. For the first time in 15years I put me first. It was selfish but necessary. I was horribly codependent, and relied on others happiness to make me happy. I had to find my own happiness, then the rest fell into place.
This... I did the same. Its amazing to feel content with yourself.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

relied on others happiness to make me happy.
when I chose to make myself a priority. Not my M, not my H, but me.

I have read this, and in theory, I agree, but in practice I don't understand how this works in reconciliation. For FWH and I, when we decided to reconcile, went to MC, we knew we needed to make each other our #1 priority. In the past, FWH made himself the #1 priority and I made our children the #1 priority. Both of us were wrong. We needed to make each other #1.

Maybe because I always knew that my happiness came from within that I don't understand how that works. I liked myself, and was content to be with me. I didn't look externally for happiness. FWH always looked externally for happiness.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9797 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Tinker01
♀ New Member
Member # 40312
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I so understand!! I feel the same way!! It has been 2mths since DDay!! He is doing everything he can to help me heal and save our relationship.(I have all his passwords, we are IC and has no contact with the OW) I am so conflicted!!!!! I feel like I donít want him to stay, but I donít want him to go. I want him to stop trying so hard, but I am afraid he will stop trying so hard.. I am struggling with how the anger around this situation has changed me and invaded my world. My outlook and feelings change about every 10mins.
From everything I have read it takes about 3 years to recover from this type of event. Well the one thing I know for sure is, I cannot take this up and down for 3 years. I just dont have the energy.
I am not sure what the answer is.. But it is so nice to hear I am not the only one questioning my decision.

[This message edited by Tinker01 at 2:42 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]


Me 40
Him 5
Dday June 20/23 2013

Posts: 14 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Tinker01
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel this way every day. In my past, I gave my WXH five years to show me something. He never did. I got stronger and stronger, and eventually realized I could raise my five children on my own, and be far happier.

Today, I'm struggling with my WBF. He wants to R, and to the best of my knowledge is....but I hate myself for staying. I feel like he gets to move on with no suffering, and gets to keep me....while I am left dealing with the pain, and self hatred for staying with a man who threw me away for tits and ass.

This issue haunts me every day. I'm sorry you're also experiencing it. I believe in R. But we have to feel it for it to work. All I can say is from my past experience, take it one day at a time. You will figure out what you want eventually. Just don't ever settle...you need to be able to love yourself enough to do what's right for you.


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 455 | Registered: Jun 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, August 23rd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister M. I had to do those things because I had spent the past 15 years of my life giving to everyone else. I'm a giver its what Ido. That's why I chose my profession over a dr. Because I want to care for people. But in the process of being a mOm and wife. I lost me. It no longer made me happy to give to others it was their approval that I craved. Thus the codependency.
Part of putting me first was learning how to find my own happiness without validation from others. The other part was learning that I am ok on my own. I didn't need him to be happy. He had busted my chops every day for 6 months stupid crap but it's soul killing To hear everyday that the house isn't clean enough the laundry isn't folded right the kids don't behave well enough. BLAH BLAH BLADEFREAKINGBLAH. I had to accept that all of that wasn't me it was him. He was the one that wasn't enough. I also had to get strong enough to not tolerate his BS another day ever. And even though he is changed when he has an exceptionally crappy day he starts to slip into that soul killing guy. But now I don't say I'm sorry I'm not worthy. Now I say shut the hell up. This isn't about me. Don't put your anger from work on me. I had nothing to do with it and I certainly can't fix it.
This feels so good todo and confident now that it's not going to send him out the door or look for a different woman. He knows that's what he needs to be reigned in. And because I got strong and found me I make us better.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8703 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
ccw82
♀ Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My piece on the subject:

Even if WS does everything perfectly from here on out, sometimes it's still not enough. Albeit, I am still very early on from DDay, but right now it seems as though WH can do nothing right (even though he is acting like a model husband and father now)! There's no way he can "fix" this, he can only try to prove that it won't happen again. Basically what others have said, "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself" is a true statement. Only YOU can find it in yourself to determine whether his cheating is an absolute deal breaker or not. Everyone is different, everyone will have a different view on things and handle things differently.

[This message edited by ccw82 at 10:08 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
livvylou
♀ Member
Member # 26697
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a GREAT thread!

I took forgiveness off the table. Many(most)things that happened are not forgivable. I have learned to live with it, learned to let go of a lot of it, and we are moving fwd together. I don't feel I can ever tell my husband "I forgive you" and I will never "get over it" but we have moved on. Yes, some days I still struggle, but as time goes on they are fewer and farther between.
We are 4 years out from D-day and celebrated our 20th anniversary this spring.

"I think the best we can hope for is getting super smart and coming out with a better marriage in the end. . . and not one based on a fairy tale." <----This is perfect.


BS Me WS Him
R & doing well♥ (Dday 7/09 R 8/09)
The only thing more impossible than staying is leaving.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Dec 2009
Topic Posts: 17

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