After 10 months of TT I finally got the whole truth after she finished her 4th and 5th steps. Without that introspection they involve I probably wouldn't have gotten it. She was holding some of those secrets for 6 years and was planning on taking them to the grave.
[This message edited by Chicho at 1:43 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]
"Knowing is half the battle"
Expecting progress not perfection
If you are still sturggling so much even 6 years out, and after "months and months and months" of begging, it is high time that your WH start doing more to repair the damage he has done. CR, IC/MC, 12-step... whatever. That being said, it shouldn't feel like it is "all about him." Yes, he needs help, but he needs it because you need him to get better. I'm not sure what the rules are for CR or 12-step, but maybe you could go with him? If not, you really might want to consider MC. It's okay to cry when you talk about it, and it might even help.
I really hope you find some relief somewhere, iamsurviving. You deserve more than just to "survive."
married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
One thing they tell you there is that an addict in recovery, sometimes becomes addicted to recovery. It is good to go to meetings and work the steps. Although sometimes it leaves us, the family members feeling left out.
I don't know if you are dealing with an addict, but I would think it is sort of the same for you. Remember, this is something you have been wanting. If he is finally on board with it, why not give it a try?
honestly I still to this day can't even talk about it with anyone without crying.
What's wrong with crying? Grief is one of the normal responses to being betrayed, and crying goes with that for most of us - and with anger and fear for some of us, too.
I strongly recommend IC for you, with a goal of learning how to accept and feel your feelings. You're OK. Your feelings OK. You need to process your feelings and let them go, but lots of us just haven't learned how - so why not get some help?
My heart goes out to you, ias. You deserve to thrive, not just survive.
[This message edited by sisoon at 6:30 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]
Talk to people who have been where you are, cry with them, heal with them.
H has been in 12 step groups for about 5 years. They are great, But, in our experience, they are terrific tools for getting and staying sober from the addiction, but not so effective at treating the root cause of the addiction. A certified addiction therapist in the area of your H's particular addiction will help more than you can imagine.
[This message edited by JustWow at 8:22 PM, August 23rd (Friday)]
edited for typos (I always have to!)
for a certified sex addiction therapist in your area. We have a CSAT MC, H has a CSAT IC, I have gone off and on to CSAT IC who specializes in spousal iissues for SA's. Take care of you first.
Whether he works the programs successfully or not is completely beyond your control. You can lead him to water....
Take care of you -
[This message edited by scaredyKat at 2:51 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]