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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: BW turned WS
Crushed18
♀ New Member
Member # 39865
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to admit that I am dead wrong for allowing myself to become emotionally involved with someone I was confiding in about my husbands infidelity. I should not have opened up to an older man about my marital issues. Initially he was a great sounding board and comedic relief...then feelings developed and were expresssed...now I'm here! He lives 2 hours away, so all contact has been phone/text. I have told my WH everything. I have blocked OM number and told my WH I would not contact him again. I am struggling emotionally from my WH multiple affairs over a 3 year period. Talking to OM was a huge pick me up when I was triggering or had a difficult conversation with my WH. I am trying to do the right thing and focus on tryinb to recover my marriage. WH and I are in MC. Hopefully, admitting this will help me move forward the right way.


Me- BS/WS(42) DDay 8/22/13
Him- FWH (41)
Married 17 years
DD #1 Spring 2009
DD #2 6/8/13
DD #3 6/21/13
Porn, OLAs, ONS, 2 LT EA/PA

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 4:02 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Crushed - I am sorry you are in our ranks but I am glad that you found us. When was your DDay?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6075 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 7:02 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PM for you Crushed18


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 36511 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What was the relationship with this guy before? Did you know him?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

am struggling emotionally from my WH multiple affairs over a 3 year period. Talking to OM was a huge pick me up when I was triggering or had a difficult conversation with my WH. I am trying to do the right thing and focus on tryinb to recover my marriage

How about doing the right thing for yourself. Don't worry about the marriage right now. Heal yourself. Your last dday was 2 months ago. Triggering? I'd imagine every breath, at this point, would be a "trigger".

It's good you saw how your method of coping was wrong for you. Don't betray yourself in order to cope with another's betrayal of you. He's corned that market. You protect yourself even if it's from yourself, and it sounds like you're on board with that too.

People can be a go to tourniquet, balm, pain reliever. We're good at it because we are all human. We understand pain and that commonality is so alluring when feeling alone with your suffering.

You're never alone, though. You have comfort. That voice that tries to protect you and tell you run, fight, stay very still. Work with her to heal. Then decide whether your marriage is worth the risk and effort to work on. Hopefully your WS will be working his ass off on himself as well.

Hold on to yourself.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Crushed18
♀ New Member
Member # 39865
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone!
My DDay was on 8/22. OM called and invited me to spend the weekend with him. I was seriously considering driving 2 hours to see him.

I admited to my WH the nature of the relationship had changed. Feelings were expressed and about to be acted on. I met OM while waiting on a flight last month. We exchanged numbers, talked on phone and text almost daily. We had no prior relationship.

I have ceased contact and changed my number. I am dealing with my feelings and do miss talking to him. It isn't right so I,ve backed away.


Me- BS/WS(42) DDay 8/22/13
Him- FWH (41)
Married 17 years
DD #1 Spring 2009
DD #2 6/8/13
DD #3 6/21/13
Porn, OLAs, ONS, 2 LT EA/PA

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Crushed18
♀ New Member
Member # 39865
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone!
My DDay was on 8/22. OM called and invited me to spend the weekend with him. I was seriously considering driving 2 hours to see him.

I admited to my WH the nature of the relationship had changed. Feelings were expressed and about to be acted on. I met OM while waiting on a flight last month. We exchanged numbers, talked on phone and text almost daily. We had no prior relationship.

I have ceased contact and changed my number. I am dealing with my feelings and do miss talking to him. It isn't right so I,ve backed away.


Me- BS/WS(42) DDay 8/22/13
Him- FWH (41)
Married 17 years
DD #1 Spring 2009
DD #2 6/8/13
DD #3 6/21/13
Porn, OLAs, ONS, 2 LT EA/PA

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are you replacing the "pick me up" with? What do you do when you want to talk to the OM?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6075 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Crushed18
♀ New Member
Member # 39865
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good questions...Hmmm? Honestly, I havent replaced the pick me up yet. Pretty sure that's why I'm struggling with wanting to contact him. I'm in the withdrawal phase. I plan to talk to our MC about the best way to handle my feelings.


Me- BS/WS(42) DDay 8/22/13
Him- FWH (41)
Married 17 years
DD #1 Spring 2009
DD #2 6/8/13
DD #3 6/21/13
Porn, OLAs, ONS, 2 LT EA/PA

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
918Mama
♀ Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi crushed,

Just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone. My fwh had multiple affairs, including one while I was pregnant with our baby son.

Towards the end of the first year post dday, I too found myself in an EA for all the reasons you listed. UO gave some great insight and advice above that warrants listening to.

In addition, I can tell you as someone who has been right where you are that the best thing you can do for yourself right now is work on your own healing.

Your marriage has already been decimated by your husband and you have an incredible amount of pain to recover on. Focus on you. If your h is committed to working things out with you, he must first work on himself.

Find things that you like doing that make you happy. Personally, I found Bikram yoga to be a great way for me to really detach for an hour, make my body feel good and release a ton of endorphins - which is what the conversations with the OM did. I also go to therapy weekly, spend time with my friends/kids/family, etc.

My h and I are separated right now and that is helping tremendously as well. Just gives everyone some space to figure life out. Hang in there and don't be afraid to put yourself first!!


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 500 | Registered: Dec 2012
Crushed18
♀ New Member
Member # 39865
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to you all for sharing! Your advice, questions are helping me gain some insight and perspective.

I am struggling daily with wanting to contact him. Didn't realize there are endorphins involved. That explains why the pull is so strong...almost magnetic. I haven't understood why I could be so emotionally entangled and have only talked to him for a month. We only talked and text...never physical. So why do I feel such a connection to him?

I guess the trauma of everything and the depth of the pain has me really messed up!

Going to MC today and will be asking about this. I do need to allow myself to heal and not focus on trying to hold things together for our kids.

It is hard to admit this, but what my WH has done is awful! He made the decision to cheat with multiple women in every way possible. I have dealt with his deceit and lies for a long time silently. I didn't tell anyone about his porn use, online chatting or anything. I just tried to deal with it all between us. Well, all of that has progressed for years into this mountain of mess I'm facing now...My own EA and his multiple affairs.

May God give me strength!


Me- BS/WS(42) DDay 8/22/13
Him- FWH (41)
Married 17 years
DD #1 Spring 2009
DD #2 6/8/13
DD #3 6/21/13
Porn, OLAs, ONS, 2 LT EA/PA

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Topic Posts: 11

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