Topic: Relationships with all in-laws while divorcing
Member # 32265
| Posted: 5:58 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013|
My STBX sister has been one of my best friends for 30 years.
She has been very supportive, knows the reason we are getting divorced.
I have not seen her in about 6 weeks, my choice. She texts daily to see how I am, invites me over.
I have chosen not to see her because since she is one of my best friends, she can tell by looking at me how I am doing.
I don't want to have to pretend to be ok. Plus, I have such a burning hatred toward her brother and I can't vent to her.
My mother in law called me immediately after the cheater told her we were divorcing. I was at work and didn't take the call. She then sent me a beautiful email. This woman is a lovely lady with a heart of gold. That said, she is also his mother. I emailed her back and said I wasn't ready to talk but I do keep in touch via email.
Saw his brother at a local park and he couldn't get away fast enough. I was shocked, we were quite close.
Anyhow, after this looooongggg post,
do any of you have advice on how to navigate this slippery slope of a time between filing for divorce and the actual divorce?
I am thinking I may text my sister in law that it would be best to just keep in touch by text for now.
I feel just sick about it, I love her and his mom and step dad so much. I have been closer to them than he has for the pst 30 plus years.
Thanks for any input.
Posts: 605 | Registered: May 2011
Member # 11185
| Posted: 6:16 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013|
My Un-ex's sister was (is) one of my oldest and dearest friends. We both call each other sister.
After I threw him out, she called me. I told her that I would always love her but we could not discuss her brother. That ground rule worked perfectly for us for over 10 years.
You SIL can still be your friend. But your STBX will always be her brother. I think telling her that you still love her and want her to stay in your life with some restrictive discussion topics may help.
BW -- 57
Re-married 2014--on what would have been our 35th anniversary
Posts: 411 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: NC
Member # 28856
| Posted: 6:19 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013|
Your post sounds like me. I don't know if I really have advice, but this is what I did.
I took a 6 month break from communicating with my inlaws. I told them it was just too hard with the divorce so fresh but that loved them and I valued our relationships and would be back in touch.
When I was ready (more like 10 months later) I got back in contact with them. I let everybody know that I didn't want to talk about x and for the most part we have stuck to that (some of his bevavior has been so bizarre it has to be commented on, but I try to keep it short and then move on to other topics).
The result of all of this is that today I have a wonderful relationship with my inlaws and my SIL is still one of my best friends. In fact, when my MIL recently rented a vacation place, x was invited for the weekend, but I was invited for the week, lol.
Sometimes it is difficult to navigate around the divorce stuff, especially with his mom. But I have always tried to remember that x is her child and she is going to love him regardless (although she is starting to see his true colors) but for the most part it works and I am so glad to still have these important people in my life
Posts: 452 | Registered: Jun 2010
Member # 29183
| Posted: 8:05 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013|
For the first year after d-day, the inlaws were compassionate and reached out to me and were equally distraught by WXH's behaviour.
Then they magically "forgot" what a douchebag he is and was to me and the children, they welcomed OW with open arms, and rug swept everything.
I chose to cut every single one of them out of my life. I'm in touch with ex MIL only for the sake of my children, but I wish I never had to have anything to do with any of them (including douchebag) ever again.
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011
Posts: 2501 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
Member # 27035
| Posted: 11:40 AM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013|
I think you get to choose what to do - what works best for you. I still have contact with my former FIL & MIL - in fact we're meeting for dinner next week. We rarely talk about X - they are just sick about him and the path he's chosen. They tolerate his OW because they have to if they want to see X. They are elderly and scared to lose that contact. We've been each other's family for 30 years and his behavior didn't change that. I have occasional contact with former BIL and my niece. I ignore former BIL's wife because I never could stand her and now I don't have to. No contact with X's sister but that's because she's a nutcase, not because of X. Everyone avoids her.
If you're not ready to handle the interactions, then wait. It sounds like your SIL really loves you and could be a support for you, so long as you establish ground rules - no talking about X would work.
[This message edited by kernel at 11:41 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]
"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."
Posts: 4925 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 36134
| Posted: 3:09 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013|
XSIL is my BFF has been for 30+years. In the beginning we agreed to not talk about him, then his behavior was off the charts. He is the peripheral of our relationship. He has demanded that she choose between him and I.
MIL and FIL gave XH a place to stay (at first) when he was so disrespectful to me. They brought groceries for the girls and I . They offered my consult fee for my attorney. A year later XH and NW/OW told his parents if they wanted to see the kids or have anything to do with XH they had to make a choice XH or I . They chose XH . Which they should have.
Several years later When DD called saying she was pregnant, the chit between DD and NW hit the fan. XH / NW told his parents they had to choose their granddaughter / great grand baby or him. They chose the kids. Since they live with me, they are back in my life again. My IL's have seen a side of their son no parent should ever see. They are devastated that they have been duped for so long.
Everyone is cordial to each other. Trusting some people will take time for me, they are good people. It's there son that's screwed up.
I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.
Posts: 4859 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Member # 30910
| Posted: 3:34 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013|
My Ex-inlaws are fairly wonderful, and, as such, they are very supportive of X and want to help him get on his feet. I told them the truth. They were receptive. They were kind. But...he is their son.
When X's father died, his mother called to tell me how much they both always thought of me and that I was always welcome in their home.
They will always have a place in my heart, but, really, I just need to make as many breaks from X as possible. We keep in touch via FaceBook or simple texts to offer generic greetings: happy birthday, Merry Christmas, etc.
That said - when my mother and father divorced, my mother stayed best friends with her SIL, to the point that we still celebrated holidays together, even after my stepdad was in the picture. My real dad was nowhere to be found.
You just have to find what works for you. There is no right answer and the choice can transform over time as you grow through this hell ride.
Posts: 905 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: USA
Member # 22870
| Posted: 7:55 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013|
I'm still friendly with my SIL. Se still considers me to be her sister.
My in-laws are cordial. That's fine.
My family doesn't acknowledge the existence of wxh.
You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright
Posts: 7435 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 32265
| Posted: 9:44 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013|
Thank you all so much for your thoughts and advice.
I truly appreciate it.
Posts: 605 | Registered: May 2011
Member # 38378
| Posted: 7:41 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013|
It's a mixed bag for me. The inlaws that I've managed to speak or write with are compassionate-at present. The ones I missed and he got to are not.
If someone reaches out to me right now, I tend to respond after a while and I give it some thought...there aren't many I seek on my own, but some of them I miss, who were closer than others. I miss the sense of family that went with the bunch-when it was good-and spend time reminding myself how often it turned ugly because of various things people did throughout time to each other or in general.
Mostly, I'm greatful to escape the drama, but I miss some of it and appreciate the difficult times we all have with it.
I think sometimes people get stuck in an IL position and perhaps want to befriend both sides of a couple, but it's not often how "it" or society seems to work over long periods of time.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Member # 32265
| Posted: 8:03 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013|
After daily texts from my sister in law inviting me over, I gently told her in a text that right now texting was the only way for me to keep in touch right now.
She said she was sad and worried and missed me but understood.
My mother in law sends me sweet emails every couple of days. I love them so and feel so bad their son/brother is such a piece of shit.
I honestly hope my mother and father in law don't find out the complete and utter hell he has put me through the past four years. It would devastate them.
Anyhow, I'm adjusting little by little to not have the constant contact. Just one more thing whore lover took from me.
[This message edited by soveryweary at 8:04 PM, August 26th (Monday)]
Posts: 605 | Registered: May 2011
Member # 36599
| Posted: 9:41 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013|
Just my two cents. I don't want to lose any more than I have because of my husband's decisions.
I love my in-laws and they love me. I won't lose that unless they change how they treat me. So far they have been amazing and lovely. The kind of people I want in my life.
2 Ddays and lots of TT
Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)
I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken
Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 32380
| Posted: 8:02 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013|
This is a sore spot with me. Mine in-laws immediately took the side of my exWW. My FIL (at the time of discovery) actually yelled at me, told me it was my fault she had an affair and instructed me to "go away". He said I needed and move 900 miles away (from my son) and live with my 80 year old mother so I could look for a job up there while his daughter had time to think things out...really?. MIL told me it was my job to "win" my exWW back. The two of them I swear...un-fucking-believable.
Guess I see where exWW got her brokenness from and how to handle difficult situations. These are the same people whom I allowed to live with me for 8 months while their home was being built here in FL. Also the same people whose son I paid for a plane ticket for when he was sprung from jail since he had no money to get to his parents. Oh and the same ex-BIL I helped out with my own money putting into business for himself because he was un-employable based on his prison record. Even my mom was disgusted at their behavior and told me to do whatever I had to do to cut them out of my life. I don't speak to them whatsoever.
I think back on how I would have done things MUCH differently. that I should have kicked WW out of the house, made her go live in their spare bedroom, filed for divorce along with custody of my son and gone dark on all of them. But you know how it is...you feel like a deer caught in headlights and don't know what to do at the time.
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
Posts: 1456 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Member # 36654
| Posted: 8:43 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013|
My xBIL and xMIL went with me to see the attorney when I filed for D. Then my xMIL turned against me and xBIL in favor of XWH#1. My xBIL has remained my friend (brother) throughout the D and ever since and has nothing to do with his brother. xMIL testified against me during the D, I was in shock, but he was her son. She tried to be nice to me through the years until she finally saw what an ass her son was and has been estranged from him for a few years now. Now she wants to be friends with me again. I am cordial and call to check on her every now and then because she is elderly now. She invited me to her brother's wedding this past weekend, but I didn't go. I have no desire to get involved with any of that family except my xBIL even though she has apologized numerous times. My xBIL takes care of her the best he can, but he would write her off again in a heartbeat if she ever has any type relationship with my ex again.
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.
Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 38424
| Posted: 11:20 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013|
I got on really well with ex's parents over the last 8.5 years. But when I found out that ex confessed everything to his mum and not me I had to go no contact with them for a while just to digest it all.
That was about 3 months ago and last night I texted ex's mum just to say I was thinking about her and that I didn't want her thinking I was blaming her for knowing more than me.
She has just replied that she was only told after we split up and that even though it has been hard for me I need to be there for my 2 small children.
This had kinda pissed me off slightly as I have ALWAYS been there for my kids. I wasn't the one who had an A and couldn't even phone home once a day for 5 minutes to check in due to being too busy going for walks with OW on lunch breaks.
I did text back saying that I will always be there for them 100% and will never put my career or a fantasy before my children.
I'm pretty sure ex has told them I was just a horrible person and he just happened to fall in love with someone who hasn't looked back since I discovered the A. She is happily moving on with her GF without a care in the world. I doubt his parents know much of the truth to be honest.
That said I'm glad I made my peace with them for the sake of my children.
Sorry for ranting and stealing your post!
Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
|Topic Posts: 15|