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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I just cant get over it
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you lost a finger. One of the sickest patients I ever cared for was a man who got a bone infection after a fight, and nearly lost his life---but "only" lost his arm. It was horrendous. He was one of the ones shackled to his bed. And he was in the hospital for MONTHS.

I know this seems like a one-off, rage- and violence-wise.

But "It won't happen again" isn't sufficient. I wish it were, but it's not. You went there, and can go there again. R is a very rocky process under the best of circumstances. That you are ordinarily disciplined (and have excellent physical outlets) is wonderful. Exercise is how I got my anger out, too.

But you MUST address this with a professional. I wasn't kidding when I told you that, within a short time, you will start to grapple with your OWN behavior---anger at yourself for behaving the way you did, lowering yourself to that level. An IC will help you with this. (It's not just a matter of whether you will act violently again; really, it's as important to explore the effects of your violent behavior on your own recovery. I hope that makes sense; I'm not articulating it very clearly.)

I'm NOT being judgmental. Really. I just think you deserve to address this so YOU have the best odds for a healthy recovery.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8849 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have an appointment with our MC tomorrow for some one on one action. I realize that flying off the handle and losing it is not the best way to handle things. Maybe you are right that I'll at one time or the other regret my decision. The man standing here does not regret doing what I did at all. Maybe therapy will change my mind but had I to do all over again the same thing would happen. Humans are unique individuals and people react to things differently that's why there are peacemakers, hippies, warmongers, people who just want to be left alone, the don't tread on me's, etc ... I simply stated that is how I handled the situation. I'm hear to find help with my wife's affair and have been given sound advice and opinions from all walks of life.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
emotionalgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uhtred....we are unique and our situations are as individual as each of us. I have to say that I admire the fact that you carry a gun yet given the circumstances you only beat the shit out of the OM and didn't shoot him.To me that shows there is more control over yourself than people give you credit for. I truly believe that regrets are pointless...like the old saying says " don't cry over spilt milk". It is how we move forward that shows who we are. We all have days we are melancholy, or that we live in the good old days images, then we have days that the anger is so great I think even I could rip someone apart. I believe it is how I carry myself from here on forward that matters and if I can look myself in the mirror everyday and be ok with the person looking back that is all that matters.

I personally am having a hard time letting go of the anger...I don't regret how I have lived as my WS wife aka slave for the past 25 years I just won't be living that way anymore! I found a great pair of bitch boots laced em up tight and I am not taking them of until I am damn good and ready.

Things are ok in my world not in complete R, too soon for that, and although I am angry I am at peace with myself.

I hope you an find that inner peace , anger or not. Keep coming here even if is just to vent. Many of us have opinions on situations, no one can truly know another's world and situation unless they are walking in that persons shoes. I find some of the advice others give me very valid....soooo take the advice you want and leave the rest. Good luck

[This message edited by emotionalgirl at 3:43 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
doggiemom12
Member
Member # 36041
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You clearly have major anger issues and you feel entitled to beat people up.


I hope you get help with this before you do end up in jail and/or someone gets killed.

Glad you wife carries too. I would if you were my husband.


White bird must fly or she will die . . .

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: in divorce land
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I wish you well and keep those "bitch boots' laced for as long as you need to!


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doggiemom, you do not know a thing about me and what I stand for. I've never felt entitled to beat anyone up. I do not have anymore anger issues than you do. You are here for a reason as well. I'm here to save my family, not beat people up. Your stock judgment of my character is unwarranted. I beat up a man that was supposed to be a family friend, a man that flipped my world upside down, put my children's life in turmoil. Some things are worth fighting for. Some people choose to get pissed on and others just get pissed off. Don't slander my character based on your opinion you internet warrior.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

based on what you wrote, it sounds like you have an anger problem to me. Maybe you don't. But most people don't react the way you did. And it could have quite easily escalated. It may still.


I'm saying this gently, but I hope you realize, that the man you beat up, isn't the person who betrayed you.

Your wife freely gave herself to him. He didn't take her. She gave herself. Don't buy the bullshit that she was depressed and he took advantage of her at a difficult time. that is making excuses for her.

If your lives are ruined as you say, he didn't do it. She did. You need to come to grips with that.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
rescuedog
♀ New Member
Member # 39171
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by rescuedog at 3:11 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]


The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog. - Mark Twain

Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2013
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mike,

I'm not an angry person at all. I reacted to a situation that was life altering. I had a relationship with the man and his wife as well. Why is is everyone so hung up on me being angry? I'm here to save my family and find out just what in the hell went wrong. I'm a good guy and a good friend to any and all that I meet. You can cross me wrong, and I let it roll of my back. I do have boundaries that will not be crossed. As a man you must have a spine and be willing to fight for what you value. My family is what I value, the future of my children, etc. Just because none of you didn't have a physical confrontation with your wife/husbands lover does that mean that your spineless or gutless? Of course not, it means that you dealt with it the way that you saw fit. So please stop with the " I think your angry" stuff. That's not helping my situation at all. I'm here for advice to save my Sweetheart. I love my wife dearly and am crushed that this has happened. I've lost a finger and a lot of precious time with my children being in and out of the hospital over this infection. It's obvious that I'm angry over what has happened who wouldn't be.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
doggiemom12
Member
Member # 36041
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All your posts show your anger and entitlement issues.

Your wife did this to you. She gave herself to this man. No one forced her to do that.

Chew on that for awhile. And get some help for your anger issues.


White bird must fly or she will die . . .

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: in divorce land
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seems like Uhtred has used all his posts in defending himself instead of focussing on his wife's blatant betrayal.

I'm with Mike7 in saying that she is the person who needs to explain herself; she enjoyed every f***ing second of this affair, and she shouldn't escape accountability by portraying herself almost as a victim of the OM.

She wasn't seduced, she entered the affair with her eyes open and the OM is not the person who merits all this attention and rage; your WW's behavior and motives should be put under the microscope


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I get it. I thought this would be a good place to come and share my story of my wife having an affair and to vent. Just about all of you have cast judgment on my character because I beat someone up for fucking my wife. I came here for advice and have thus far gotten nothing but "Your Angry" or "You feel Entitled". Entitled to protect my family and honor, yes I do. I don't expect praise for what I've done but I also didn't ask for your criticism. This is an affair forum not an anger management class, or a class to teach cowards how to have a spine. I bid you all a farewell, good luck in your life and endeavors, I wish the best for all.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said in an earlier post that we just covered the fact in MC that my anger should be directed at my wife and no one else. I realize that. closing statement.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
doctor49
♂ Member
Member # 15847
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here for advice

So what advice do you need that would help you?


Posts: 243 | Registered: Aug 2007
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to know what I can do to get these images out of my head. My wife is talking and has come clean with me on everything. I literally have nightmares and daymares about the affair. I really tried hard for my family to make a suitable life and balance everything. I feel as though I wasn't good enough. My wife has told me over and again that it wasn't anything that I did to make her have the affair. she's claiming that is was her own messed up view of herself that caused her to need validation that she was desirable and all the other stuff that I read in the healing library. I'm just so hurt and confused about what I'm supposed to do right now. I love her but I hate her too.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you need to take time. there is no quick fix.


when i first got here people told me I didn't have to make a decision immediately. they were right. You don't need to make a decision either.

try to heal yourself. the mind movies and nightmares don't end overnight. There are people here who are having triggers and nightmares years after the affair stopped.

So you see, what is happening to you is normal. You're only a few months out.

Most folks say complete healing takes 4 years. They say the second YEAR is one of the hardest.

there is no quick fix to this other than divorce. And then you are still left with the scars of betrayal.

Try not to get defensive when people are questioning you. They may seem judgmental, and maybe some are. But if we didn't care, we wouldn't waste the time to post on your thread. We know you're hurting. We hurt too.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what do i mean by healing you?

you have to change to understand what has happened to you. it's part of life. Every life faces challenges.

You now must face the fact that the person you trusted the most betrayed you.

You need to come to grips with it. You need to realize that no matter what happens, you will be ok. Be concerned for your kids. Be the parent you would want them to be.

and take time to figure out what YOU want. You can't go back in time. So what do YOU want now? and take you're time with that question. Take months if you need to.

And listen to smarter people than me. But be smart enough to recognize who they are. And go to the thread I showed you. Tell your story to the men there and ask your questions. They've been where you are. They ARE where you are.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, I guess that is what I was expecting someone to say to me rather than give me the once over and assume I have anger issues. Hell I may have some, that's the first time they've ever boiled over like that. Im going to take a look at men's thread tonight. Thank you


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One good thing you have going is that your wife is not blaming you or the marriage which is commonly done by the WS. Also she sounds remorseful and wants to stay in the marriage.

The mind movies are very hard. But I will tell you that they will lessen over time. So be patient with yourself and take care of yourself. My approach was to share everything with my H. If I had a mind movie I shared it and asked whether the details were accurate.

For me this was a process. I vented a lot of anger towards the OW in my imagination. I have imagined doing similar things that you did to her because she made it personal against me. She was trying to steal my life and my H as well as stalking me. I felt very threatened by her but took the high road since she ws a bit psycho. But it was frustrating that I couldn't confront her and make her pay in some way.

[This message edited by whattheh at 6:20 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H and I have found these 2 books useful...

After the affair and
How can I forgive you?
Both by Janice Abrahms Spring

Forgiveness has to be earned by your WW. I found I had to accept before I could begin to forgive.

[This message edited by whattheh at 6:25 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
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