You are already finding out that people will not always agree with you and sometimes you won't like what they say. Hell, I remember when I first came on here and I was so certain that my now ex-husband was different from all the other cheaters. It pissed me off to be told otherwise, but they were right. I was so hurt and so in shock and the emotions just suffocated my brain! Please just listen to what people have to say. You don't have to agree and you don't have to take their advice. Just listen. As you said, we're all individuals and we're all going to react in the ways that make sense for us.
I'm very glad you will be seeing a counselor on your own. This whole infidelity mess takes such a toll on you and having a professional to help you navigate the emotions you still have to contend with is such a help.
Take care of yourself and those kids.
I'm not going to pile on about the physical violence, it seems that you have lived a lot of betrayed men's revenge fantasies. I'm just sorry you paid such a physical price for that form of justice. But don't forget who really betrayed you - the woman who stood on an altar and made vows to you that she shattered. I've always taken it for granted that there were plenty of men out there who would gladly screw my wife if given a chance, just never thought she'd give any of them a shot.
Personally, I don't care about the pain you inflicted on the human debris who screwed your wife. I'd just hate to see you let her off the hook out of a sense that she was somehow beguiled into the affair, or that he paid the price for her trangressions. She needs to bust her ass in the months and years to come to show that she is worthy of the rest of your life.
Come visit us in the Betrayed Men forum when you get a chance. There are guys there who have been dealing with this for years, even decades, who will offer you support and great advice.
Please remember that members in Just Found Out are in a raw place. This thread is obviously triggering you, so please step away.
Never be afraid of the truth
Now, up front, a BS needs remorse, consistent actions over time from the WS to even have a hope of a successful R and building a new M. Sometimes, even with remorse, an A is a dealbreaker, and that's ok too.
So, what's the difference?
It is concerned with the consequences to oneself.
It's natural to have this, it's not a *bad* thing, but it needs to move into remorse to be the healthiest thing. That can take time, because remorse is concerned about the consequences to others. The hurt your WW did to you. The hurt you did to him.
There's a parallel.
So, imagine if you had ended up with 10 years behind bars. Would you regret it then?
In time, maybe you can see the loss of a digit as your lucky get-out-of-jail-free card, and can turn it around as not such a harsh thing - considering what could have happened. Ok?
So, your WW is "in jail" right now. Busted. Suffering the consequences.
When will she "get true remorse"?
Well, had you ended up in jail yourself, how long would it have taken you? Think about it. Life is long. Someday, may you be a grey old guy in a rocking chair next to your FORMER WW, getting it too. See?
Hang in there man. keep posting. We got your back.
I feel for you. It is the most raw and earth shattering thing to discover what you discovered. I really feel for you, my d-day was just a couple days after yours and though circumstances are very different, I can definitely relate to the timeline and the completely heartbreaking feeling of discovery.
And I understand the rage, I am not saying " rock on, good for you" I am saying I understand it, completely. My WH had waited until his OW actually left the country before he told me, in part, I think because he knew I would physically harm her. And knowing how I felt, that's probably what would have happened. I'm not saying it would have been a logical, mature decision, but knowing how I felt at that moment... So truly, I understand the moment you said it just boiled over. I hope you have been able to heal past that.
Just wanted to let you know I hear you and that you are definitely not alone.
I sincerely hope you and your wife have been able to open the lines of communication. It sounds like she is really trying to heal things with you, and trust me I know it can be very very difficult to begin to let the WS back in, but regardless of what you decide, I hope that you two are able to really open the lines of communication now that everything is out on the table. At least that's what my WH and I have begun to do, and things are actually shifting into a more positive light.
You have been heard, wishing you and your family all the best!
D-Day May 1 2013
D-Day#2 Aug. 7th 2013
in R and working at it
I know I don't mess with married women.
Mess with the bull, you might get horns.
[This message edited by Uhtred at 9:27 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]
I honestly think if there was more 'punishment' for adultery, it wouldn't happen so much.
I must admit to thinking this as well. I know I *should* condemn the violence according to all the societal rules, but in all honesty I'm finding it hard to be sincere about it. Really, the only sincere reason it bothers me is because you didn't think about how your actions could have affected your kids. Who would watch out for your kids if you were badly hurt or killed because the OM had a gun or you ended up in jail because someone called the cops? They need their Dad, especially because their Mom is such a mess. OM got what he deserved, no denying it. But the risk for your kids was just too high.
I've often said I wouldn't spit on the OW in my situation if she was on fire and that is the truth. Yeah, yeah, X is even more at fault but that doesn't change how I feel about her.
[This message edited by kernel at 9:56 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]
[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 10:20 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]
However I am curious to know what you would say or do if the OM's wife wanted to punish your wife and defend her honor in the same way you did? Would you be okay with your wife being battered and broken by his wife in the same way you battered and broke her WS? After all your wife did to her exactly what he did to you.