What he did was to carry out the natural male impulse on learning some guy was having sex with his wife.
I would not advise someone in advance to beat the hell out of the other man, but once it's been done I will express what I really feel - the son of a bitch had it coming, and hat's off to UhTred.
With the laws that we live under it may be unwise to act out naturally, but that does not mean he has some sort of emotional problem for doing so.
And this wasn't the first time OM cheated on his BW? Maybe now that he's had some consequences handed to him, it might be his last time cheating.
Of course you are fucking livid. This man pretended to be your friend. The two of them getting you and his wife together to socialize as couples..so they could carry on their affair right in front of you...yeah...getting your ass kicked for fucking with a married woman..expected.
Please keep coming here for support and advice. Not everyone will agree with you..and that's ok. Take what you need,and leave the rest.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
However I am curious to know what you would say or do if the OM's wife wanted to punish your wife and defend her honor in the same way you did
There is one word all of us hate equally, I believe, and that is time. In a world of McDonald's, microwaves and instant gratification, it is hard to fathom that there isn't some kind of shortcut through the pain. I also saw many pictures of my now X with ow. I personally think that makes the nightmares/daymares a little more vivid. What I went through was torturous, and at times it felt as though every cell of my body was fighting each other like the polar opposite ends of a magnet. I would suggest to ask your counselor about PTSD type coping and help in trying to navigate through the stages of grief.
I feel people are entitled to act and treat people anyway they want and expect no further consequences then a "its not nice to do that speech".
Some actions deserve an a$$ beating. The 54 yr old OM knew the "Man Code" he was breaking. You took the risk and luckily your not in jail. I bet he learned more from that then he would a No Contact letter.
We all have anger issues to some extent, Some even have passivity and doormat issues that are equally as bad in my book. Take a stand for something or fall for everything.
I go into a rage and burn her wedding dress, all wedding photos, take her wedding ring and crush it with some pliers. AS you can tell I have a little temper problem.
Uhtred, in my fantasies, I do what you did. Mine, of course, would be to HER wedding dress and photos and ring since my husband has nothing like that that is sentimental to him. I have a necklace that he bought for me at a concert we attended during his (unknown to me at the time) A; he bought OW one, too. Even 6 months out, I'm working on a suitable death for it. It will be destroyed; it will be given to him with a request that he buy me something meaningful to replace it. He also wore a particular shirt--one I remember vividly--the morning he "visited" a prostitute. He no longer has that shirt. I ripped it to shreds and gave them to him.
What I'm trying to point out is that anger is a common reaction for all of us here. Realize, though, that--by your confession made before people jumped on you about it--you have a "little temper problem." Even if you DID manifest it to your WW before her A, it doesn't matter. It's not why she had her A. It's not why she cheated.
As you try R, though, and as you both go through IC, it should be one of the issues you work on. My WH is an addict and rage is one of his addictions. Thankfully, he's not a hitter; he's a yeller. Anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds and therapy have helped him immensely with that. Now, if he raises his voice, it's startling because that's not who he is anymore. And it's helped our marriage incredibly. I no longer fear bringing up uncomfortable subjects anymore. I'd stopped communicating before because it just wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth the heightened blood pressure and the overall anxiety. My being able to initiate a discussion about his A, ask whatever questions I want, stay composed (even when the honest answers hurt), and his being able to handle all of this without being demeaning or terse or patronizing is a new and amazing accomplishment.
Your marriage isn't mine, I know, but there were likely unresolved issues that made it vulnerable to infidelity. Hopefully, with IC and MC, all those problems can be worked on and sorted out. For me and my spouse, it's been a slow process, but the progression and direction leave me hopeful. I hope that you, too, find that peace and happiness again.
[This message edited by RippedSoul at 12:19 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]
You seem to have a solid self perception and grasp of the situation, I hope the best for you and your wife through the journey to R.
[This message edited by CharlieFoxtrot at 1:07 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]
I get the revenge fantasies. I don't see why he deserves the praise he is getting. If you want to R, imagine living the rest of your life with 9 fingers.
That said, I hope he sticks around and listens to the truths and hard lessons he needs to learn if he truly want to survive this.
The OP is not required to answer anyone's questions, and is not here for praise. He's here for support for having been cheated on. If you can't be supportive, please stay off the thread.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:43 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.
I get what you did and understand completely.
Its been over 3 yrs since I discovered my wws betrayal with a loser I was trying to help.
Time gives us all valuable perspective. I believe that is why many vetrans of SI seem like prophets when so many of their opinions about what will occurr actually does occurr.
I personally believe God was looking out for me, I went looking for my wws ap several times early on and he was very fortunate I didn't find him.
From your post I can see that you and I live by a similar code. That there are consequences to actions is part of that code.
I believe you were justified in giving the ap the ultimate "finger"! (Pun intended, no apologies)
However, be very aware of the anger/rage roller coaster that you are on even though your ww bought you the ticket!
I can see myself where you are now. You are in full on "defence of wife" mode. I get that you understand that she was responsible but your anger is still focused on the ap and probably will be for months. The scary part is when you realize it was the "love of your life" that is truly responsible for this shit storm.
You are wise to seek counseling now...it will help with the later anger/rage stages.
Good luck you will survive this...
As I read your initial thread, I was so sad for the pain you were going through discovering the photos and texts.
I felt great satisfaction for you when you got your piece of flesh from the POS.
It is too bad you lost the finger, and will forever be reminded of your W's infidelity.
You are to be commended by your restraint in not put him out of his misery using your fi*ea*m. Since you wear it all the time, everyone should realize that you made a choice to not use it, which is a sign of self control.
You decided to beat him up, you decided to back off when your FIL pulled you off, and you decided to not put lead in him. All these decisions tell me you were in control.
Those who are pointing the finger and trying to make it look like you are a loose cannon and "need anger management" are projecting their own prejudices and fears. Like you said, you hadn't done this type of thing before, nor since.
Now you can get to the business of going to IC and figuring out if A is a dealbreaker for you.
I shared your story with my WH, and he thought the OM deserved it. He was glad they did not call the authorities, because you could have been charged with assault with a deadly weapon...your body.
Have you been in contact with the BW of the OM? Do you think it would be appropriate to share this site with her, since it was her WH's 3rd A? Maybe you don't want her lurking here, keeping tabs on you.
I'm glad you gave OM what he deserved, rather than go in a corner and whine pathetically. If all OM got their a** kicked by the BH, there would be a lot less infidelity in the world.
edited for clarity.
[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 9:43 AM, August 26th (Monday)]
I do not condone you beating another person so badly. Period. With that said, what will you do if you find out your WW was hiding more info? She is not worth going to prison over. SHE did this not you. YOU suffered enough so you need to prepare yourself. You've lost so much as it is.
The man whipped the shit out of a guy that was having sex with his wife.....I think that 90% of us men would have done the same if we had the damn chance. Ease off with the "You have problems" crap....his problem was a cheating wife that fucked him over for a year while he worked his ass off. Now he comes here for help and he gets the "You have problems" bit.......
I am a patient person.....very compassionate....but if I had known where the sob OM was that night....I would have probably done that or worse....
[This message edited by Long Gone at 8:41 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]
I do not think you have an anger issue at all.
You had every right to be angry at the OM as well as your wife.
I think you got your anger out and the OM felt the consequences of his actions.
And you got away with it. Good for you.
Sorry about the finger....
Now you ask if you will ever be able to not picture your wife with the OM sexually.
And the honest answer is no.
But with the right counseling you both can put your lives back together if you both work hard.
But remember this. Even though your wife is the liar and cheater, when infidelity occurs everyone pays the price.
The wayward spouse, the battered spouse, the kids and in your case your inlaws.
It really sucks how selfish your wife and the OM really were.
And I mentioned hard work because even though she cheated it will take both of you to fix your marriage.
Time. Time is your friend. Use plenty of it for your counseling to work. Set a date in your head to see if you think of her infidelity less.
Take the year to see if you still love her like you did when you married her.
And it is ok to love her and hate her at the same time it is very normal when your best friend betrays you like this.
Hopefully in time you can bury the hate and keep the love.
No matter what your wife needs to be truly remorseful and get to the root of her issues which allowed her to make the horrible decisions.
Because there should be no repeat performances on her part.
Good Luck Buddy and keep posting.