Sorry about your finger.... I hope it wasn't the middle finger; you may need that one later.
Yes you can.
The one thing that is blatantly obvious to me is that we are how many pages into this thread, and we haven't been focusing on "where do we go from here?". You did what you did to OM, and as far as I am concerned, he had it coming. But the focus on the *anger issues* has to stop---or at least be put on the back burner for awhile.
You say that your wife is showing remorse, and that may be true, but make sure that you understand the true definition of remorse as it is used around here, and also understand that true remorse often takes time to be achieved. And I am not saying that in any way to minimize your wife's feelings; I am saying that because it often takes time...a lot of time...for the true extent of the damage to settle in. As devastated as you are right now, if your wife is truly remorseful, she is in a whole lot more pain that you, because she not only shares your pain(the empathy), the other betrayed spouses pain that she helped cause, and the fact that she betrayed herself, and damaged her own soul. And now she has the unbelievable task of trying to repair the damage of (3) lives that she was directly involved in hurting.
As for you, all I can say is that everyone handles this a little differently. Our stories are very similar, yet uniquely different---especially when it comes to the healing process. As brutal as you feel right now, I can tell you that you are worlds ahead of others here by the description you give of your wife. If she is remorseful, then I assume that she is actively trying to repair the damage and earn your trust back. That is something many members here NEVER get. I know it may not mean that much right now, but over time, you will realize how huge this is.
Healing takes time, no matter how much effort is put in. Sometimes infidelity is just a dealbreaker, and that is okay, but it may take you time to realize this. You may never be able to accept what has happened, and come to an understanding that your marriage is over. But only you can decide that. And your wife should already know and understand this.
The saying around here is not to make any rash decisions, especially when both partners are committed to trying to make things work. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't learn what your potential future options may be. Don't feel bad about consulting and attorney, just to understand where you may land if divorce is an eventuality. I say this in an attempt to make your reconciliation attempt better, because knowledge is power, and knowing all of your options is what helps you pick yourself up off of the floor. IC/MC will hopefully help. The NC that was suggested is a very good idea.
The bottom line is that even though you feel like you have made no progress since discovery, you have come further than you think. The mind movies will start to get less and less frequent, and the continued effort from your wife will help in your recovery. When I first came to this site, and read that it takes, on average, 2-5 years to fully reconcile, I was like "how the hell can I make it years, when it hurts this bad right now?". But time does go on, and the pain does ease. Yours will too.
Your old marriage is gone, but that doesn't mean that the two of you can't build a new, good, healthy one. It just takes time to let the old marriage go.
[This message edited by jb3199 at 6:19 AM, August 26th (Monday)]
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
I am seeing and was seeing a psychiatrist and I think you need to do the same before you do something that you CANNOT take back. I'm in the same situation as you. But I implore you to please get an individual therapist for yourself. Like you, I'm in Marriage Counseling, but you need help because like me, it sounds like a terrible thing happened to a good man and you don't deserve it. Hang in there brother. No matter what happens, your life is important. I can't imagine losing a finger over the jerk who tried to destroy my family. I'm so sorry.
Focus your energy on your wife. While this man took advantage of her, she is still 100% responsible for her affair. If not with this guy - who sounds a bit like a predator - with someone else. She has issues and needs therapy. Please lawyer up, especially if you have kids.
Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
D-Day: Got inklings/clues of EA and PA on May 27, 2013
Hard Discovery/Proof - August 20, 2013.
Kids: 4 and 2 - Beautiful Girls
In early recovery and weighing my options based on progress. No major decisions will be made until we have at least 6 therapy sessions.
Your story sounds so very much like mine. The guy my XWW traded sex-for-flattery with was 52 and she is 34 - old enough to be her father. He is a worthless piece of shit who has a reputation for preying on and having sex with weak-minded, dysfunctional women - like my XWW. My marriage was good and I worked hard to support her and my two young children. I knew my wife had some self-esteem issues but thought her boundaries were very strong especially anything regarding her family. I was so very wrong.
The way your WW's affair began is fairly similar to the way mine did. I also knew him. He would look me in the eye, shake my hand, and talk to my children - all the while sleeping with my wife and my children's mother behind our backs. His, and her cowardice still stuns me to this day. I am ashamed that this is part of the cloth that my children are cut from. It is my mission to steer them away from the path she has taken in life.
I also had a confrontation with her affair guy and she was there too. I saw her car in his driveway and decided to confront - not as a husband, but strictly as a father. I wanted to and could have beaten this man down but I knew as I approached and started pounding on his door that if I did that I would end up in jail with assault charges, lose my job, and this coward probably would have filed a civil suit against me. I went there to tell both of them, on his turf, to their faces, that they were fucking cowards who have been hiding behind mine and my sons back for the last year. To tell her that she threw her family away and her children's foundation for a worthless piece of shit.
It took quite a while for someone to finally open the door. It was her with her tail between her legs telling me they were just talking and pleading with me to go. I kept pounding while yelling loudly for this coward to come out. Several minutes later he comes to the door and stays several feet inside from the entrance because he knew that I was not likely to rush into his house and assault him. He asked if I was there to fight him. I laughed and told him "No, I don't fight for shit that betrays me and my sons" as I looked at her. And actually, that was the truth. She was simply NOT worth a fight.
Now, here is my point.
You have to try and look at this from the warped perspective she has and understand it to get why fighting this guy was not a good thing. (Mind you, fuck him - he indeed deserved it. He would not want you to have done to him what he did to you and your family so again, fuck him.) your WW was seeking validation and self-worth from the attention of another man. She loved the attention and flattery so much that she was willing to risk losing everything for it.
For quite some time she was able to have her cake and eat it too. She had you at home, working to provide, and being a father to your kids, and she also had her secret responsibility-free, bullshit flattery-filled fantasy life with the adultery guy. She had two men that both wanted her - lots of feeling of validation.
But, that state of mind was based on the deceitful secret she had. Her fear was that if you found out her secret that you would leave her and end the marriage. Thus, losing a great part of that giving her stability and self-worth. When the secret became known instead of her fear being realized and her losing you - you rushed over to the adultery guys place and fought him. Now, in her mind she now has a sense that here were TWO men that were fighting OVER HER. That can actually be, in her twisted thinking, somewhat rewarding. She has not one, but two men vying for her affections. That's awfully validating to someone with those kinds of issues. In the end, what could happen is that going over there and beating the shit out of that asshole could have actually given her some tacit approval for committing adultery.
I wasn't going to give my XWW that satisfaction that I was fighting for her after she betrayed me in the ultimate way. Fuck that. She was initially remorseless and continued with the guy while saying nothing was going on. I filed for divorce. She came crying for reconciliation. I divorced her. She still wants to reconcile. I don't accept that shit in my life and my kids need to see that one deserves better, and can do better than that.
By the way, these events are all seemingly recent. Right now, I'm sure the adultery guy still has some sense of guilt over what he did but that may fade over the next few weeks or months especially as he continues to deal with his injuries and expenses incurred because of them. His guilt may turn to anger and you could still find yourself facing assault charges and a lawsuit filed against you for pain, suffering, medical expenses, etc. I'm sure there would be a small army of lawyers drooling to take his case. The fact that he was committing adultery with your wife would not be a defense in a court of law. Your wife was a willing participant so it could potentially be excluded from any defense.
I would consult an divorce attorney to find out your rights if you decide to divorce and also consult with another attorney specializing in defending a lawsuit like this potential one. They can tell you what you can do now to protect assets from a future lawsuit.
It was a family friend.
If it was a stranger, then it'd be a different story. He doesn't know you and doesn't owe anything to you. Yes, it would still be wrong but not warrant a beating. Who knows what the wife told the guy?
Most of the anger should be on the wife.
PS - Kudos to your FIL. What kind of "friend" fucks his friend's married daughter? Total POS
Your really brought up some extremely good points that I've never actually thought about. My wife has since mentioned that she felt good that I fought and whipped this guys ass. I questioned her statement and asked her how she could feel that way after what she has been doing with him. She shrugged her shoulders and said she didn't know why she felt that way but that she did.
I so feel for your pain. It's been 3 months since dday and I just got another trickle truth yesterday which took me right back to dday all over again. Is he fucking stupid or is he just hurting me on purpose? Either way he's making it easier for me to detach from him and make a final decision to kick him out.
Has your WW come clean on everything? Is she at least treating you like gold and doing everything to prove she wants to be with you?
Again she craved attention and validation from this. I have enabled her to have the time to do this sort of crap by not insisting that she get a job. My 3 year old will not be attending the mothers day out program he went to last year. The free days she had gave her the time to meet with her AP and also carry on her crap online.
I contacted the man's wife on FB and let her know what was going on. Seeing my track record it was a good thing I didn't know where he lived because I became enraged when I found out the additional information. The OM's wife literally had a melt down when she sent me her number for me to call so we could talk about what our spouses where up to.
To answer your question, yes my wife is treating me like gold and trying to show me her remorse. Now that full exposure has happened she claims it was like a weight lifted off of her shoulders. It came right off of her shoulders and added an additional burden to me. At least everything is out in the open now. At least I think everything has been let out of the bag. My wife is not a good liar and I can read her like a book. That's why I knew something else was being hidden.
she claims it was like a weight lifted off of her shoulders
I got the same line. "phwee, weight is off my shoulders - by the way here's your live grenade dear".
Yep, isn't it nice for them that they feel relief after blowing up our worlds?
Mine did something similar. I found a pu$$y pic in his email and confronted him thinking it was his cousin (I didn't know if my suspicions were right yet but I suspected). He tells me it's some other girl he went to school with in 9th grade on the other side of the US. So he protects the affair with his cousin by revealing a sexting affair for a year.
Later I found other chic's pu$$y pics and lets just say they didnt match.
Good for you for telling the OM's wife. Did you tell her about this site too?
I'm so sorry this happened to you and your family. It forever changes things. Your wife has a shitload of work to do. Not just apologize everyday, cry .... Actions, not words.
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)
I want to start off by saying I DO NOT ADVOCATE violence......
Now with that being said, I don't think there is a betrayed spouse on SI both BW & BH that has not played out some scenario in their "minds-eye" of doing to their spouse's AP what you actually acted on and did to your wife's AP or some other scenario with that same theme.
Im my case, my "Dream" was after beating him, to carve the letter "A" on his bald forehead, so each day he shaved he would be reminded in the mirror of the disrespect he had not only for me and my family, but for his wife and his own family.
I also believe that each one of us has the propensity to "lose it" at some time....if some button gets pushed..I believe each of us has a "Trigger" where we will just lose it...
...and i also believe that we dont know what that button or Trigger actually is...until we are confronted with that catastrophic event.
Thats why the rule of law allows for "Temporay Insanity"
Again , i am not advocating violence, but do agree that until you walk in the other mans shoes as Uhtred stated, you dont know the true feeling of what they went through.
Crushing her wedding ring, that's classic!!!!!
Me: BS 59
Her: WW 57
Maried 25 yrs
LTA- (PA & EA) 7 yrs maybe 10? former boss
1 Daughter-24 - former eating disorder transitioned into OCB (obsessive compulsive behavior)
D-day- Early March 2012
confrontation day-late April 2012
TT,l lies, blame shifting gas-ighting you name it she did it
True No contact July 2012 -initiated by WW
I called AP's wife and outed the "A"
In "R" and its been a rocky road