My BW just came and expressed that she felt that I wasn't working on my problems that led to my affair. I can see why she said that. Our lives are in chaos and I've been putting in big hours for work. My commute is an hour each way, we're trying to get our house ready to sell in preparation for a move out of state and I'm applying for jobs for the first time in nearly a decade.
Oh yeah, she's on the verge of finishing grad school. My EA turning physical was two weeks before her defense date. That got pushed back and, my god, what a shitty thing that was to have done to her. On top of the triple betrayal, I tainted what was supposed to be the biggest accomplishment of her life.
I've been trying to get to the bottom of my failures and feel that there have been some really useful insights, particularly from speaking with BW. Lately, I've been putting most of my effort into practical matters and that has resulted in very little introspection and a whole lot of compartmentalization so I can try to keep my shit together well enough to work 50+ hours a week and tend to all of the other things in our lives, including all of the conversations and fights that have to happen because I had an affair and screwed our lives up.
Unfortunately, compartmentalization is a very bad habit for me and helped get me into this nightmare in the first place. We've used the analogy of it being like narcotics. It is fine in limited quantities for specific reasons and then you stop using it. If you use it as a crutch to get through each day, it will mess your life up.
Well, it's messing my life up now.
How in the world does one get through this stuff without compartmentalizing? I want to get to the root of my problems and fix them but I also need to keep the bills paid and all of the other things that I have been talking about. When I do this kind of introspection, particularly with the help of friends, I turn into a complete emotional wreck and can barely function for a while. Can anyone offer guidance on how to do this without compartmentalizing and still be able to make life run?
Can you set aside a part of every day, even if it is a half an hour, to read/journal/pray or whatever to help keep the process going?
We all have to keep functioning - try not to beat yourself up. Maybe sit down with your wife and check in and talk about your frustration. I don't think you have to walk around an emotional wreck in order to heal, but pushing it all away will not help either.
Good luck to you.
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/then PA
In MC & Reconciling
I edit, therefore I am.
You need to recognize your feelings and deal with them, or you could "snap" again. If you were both agreeing to "shelve" this for awhile, that'd be fine, but she's saying she needs to see more work from you. So fit it in.
What are you doing during your commute? Being alone in a car is a great time for introspection, IMO. If you'd typically listen to morning talk radio, turn it off and use that time to just be alone with your thoughts.
What issues have you identified, that you need to work on? Buy an audio book on that topic, and listen to it during your commute. Text her when you get to work, with one interesting thing you heard on the audio book. When you get home, talk to her about something you've learned or felt during the day.