Putting 2 and 2 together, my sudden 10-15lb. weightloss and neurological problems coincided with those dirty secrets. This is when the EA heated up to PA, my mind could no longer shoulder the emotional abuse and my body began to break down. This was one of the reasons I felt compelled to know the details.
Another reason is because OW was not a stranger to me. I knew her H as well. OW worked with WSO and I never, ever suspected a thing. I believe that is another reason I felt compelled to ask - shocked, disappointed, hurt that OW said/did what??Naturally before D-Day I saw WS/WSO and OP working, socializing, having telephone conversations, etc. together, then after D-Day it was compelling to find out exactly what they said and did together behind my back. What they shared in conversation had an effect on what they did, so yes, the dirty details were important to know.
For me the details are dirtier when left in the dark.
I understand the no secrets thing, and I do feel that. But I know my husband had sex with another woman x# of times. Do I need to be able to visualize it? Is that healthy? How can that be healthy? I think it would haunt me.
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/then PA
In MC & Reconciling
I edit, therefore I am.
2 grown sons, 1 grown step-son
Last DDay, March 19, 2013 after a few weeks of TT- trying to have a new marriage after almost 35 years.
No more chances.
For me personally, I think I know about the same as you and am comfortable with this. I know that my H and OW had sex, I know how many times, I know where and that it was 'perfunctory' (his words). To know more details for me I don't think I could stomach. I asked one direct question relating to oral sex as I felt I needed to know due to risk of an STD. Once I had my answer I felt sick, I felt worse than ever and it took a good long while for me to go back to that aspect of our sex ugh....
Sure I have mind movies BUT I can make them very bland, very boring and so not glamorous or even sexy. I'm too scared to know more details which have a danger of glamorising the whole act. I prefer to keep it sordid, squalid and nasty.
The whole thing sucks but I'm trying (not always succeeding) but trying to look past these details which, for me, are potentially more damaging.
Some books call it breaking down a wall, brick by brick. On source likened it to cleaning a dirty window. My personal favorite is the puzzle analogy. We see the A as a puzzle that we only have a few pieces of. We gradually find pieces for ourselves and hopefully our WS gives us most of the pieces.
The problems arise when you do not get enough pieces to see the picture or you WS tells you the puzzle is a picture of a tree when it really is a picture of a lake. You are hindered in see the big picture and it will set you back. The devil is in the details. Some of us want a 50 piece puzzle to be satisfied and quickly done. Others of us want a 10000 piece puzzle we will never have all the pieces for and will never finish.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
Eta a little more detail.
[This message edited by AML04 at 1:09 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]
Its human nature to attempt damage control. If the sex was awesome then telling the unfortunate BS doesn't seem very wise and definitely adds to the pain. Far better to feed a tale of disappointing sex and that they never stopped loving and thinking of you.
Its the very least they can do to mitigate the agony of their betrayal; make you feel it was no big deal and wasn't worth the effort. The actual truth has little to do with it.