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User Topic: Why do we want the damn dirty details?
♀ Member
Member # 27941
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, not knowing the details hurt so badly. I began to know what had been happening over a span of 4+ years of my life, and hearing the "dirty details" were part of the missing truth.

Putting 2 and 2 together, my sudden 10-15lb. weightloss and neurological problems coincided with those dirty secrets. This is when the EA heated up to PA, my mind could no longer shoulder the emotional abuse and my body began to break down. This was one of the reasons I felt compelled to know the details.

Another reason is because OW was not a stranger to me. I knew her H as well. OW worked with WSO and I never, ever suspected a thing. I believe that is another reason I felt compelled to ask - shocked, disappointed, hurt that OW said/did what??Naturally before D-Day I saw WS/WSO and OP working, socializing, having telephone conversations, etc. together, then after D-Day it was compelling to find out exactly what they said and did together behind my back. What they shared in conversation had an effect on what they did, so yes, the dirty details were important to know.

For me the details are dirtier when left in the dark.

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2010
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow - I feel a little left out here. I am only 3 months out, and while I have the major details, (how many times, where, generally when, how they communicated, etc.) I don't think I have the level of detail that many of you have. Occasionally I think I want it, but then I wonder why? It feels a little like pain shopping.

I understand the no secrets thing, and I do feel that. But I know my husband had sex with another woman x# of times. Do I need to be able to visualize it? Is that healthy? How can that be healthy? I think it would haunt me.

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2079 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 40475
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because you have to know what you are forgiving them for before you can do so and start to heal.
Because I was still trying to figure out how the heck he could DO that, WHY did he do that and maybe make him see how awful and ridiculous the whole thing was.

Me: BS 50+
Him: WH 60

3 EAs

2 grown sons, 1 grown step-son

Last DDay, March 19, 2013 after a few weeks of TT- trying to have a new marriage after almost 35 years.
No more chances.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 3:57 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bionicgal I am with you on this aspect so don't feel alone. Equally there is absolutely no right or wrong when it comes to how much of the nitty gritty details you know or want to know. As many have illustrated here it has been vital for them that they know and for everyone that needs this it is right for them.

For me personally, I think I know about the same as you and am comfortable with this. I know that my H and OW had sex, I know how many times, I know where and that it was 'perfunctory' (his words). To know more details for me I don't think I could stomach. I asked one direct question relating to oral sex as I felt I needed to know due to risk of an STD. Once I had my answer I felt sick, I felt worse than ever and it took a good long while for me to go back to that aspect of our sex ugh....

Sure I have mind movies BUT I can make them very bland, very boring and so not glamorous or even sexy. I'm too scared to know more details which have a danger of glamorising the whole act. I prefer to keep it sordid, squalid and nasty.

The whole thing sucks but I'm trying (not always succeeding) but trying to look past these details which, for me, are potentially more damaging.

Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
♂ Member
Member # 8099
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think TCD hit the nail on the head - in going forward we need to know what base we are coming off so as to make the right decision. There is an additional factor and that is that many of the 'goings on' pre discovery made us question our own judgement. In making sense of some happenings in hindsight we are able to reassure ourselves that we were correct after all and maybe should have listened to our intuition more. Finally, in insisting on all the detail we afford our wayward spouse the opportunity to prove just how committed they really are by finally being totally honest. In my case I managed to ascertain many things that have never been admitted and that regrettably has left me with a measure of mistrust. That withholding of information could have been for a multiplicity of reasons, supposedly not wanting to hurt me more, shame etc, but the flipside of that coin is that there are still 'secrets' shared between them that have not openly been declared and hence that element of ongoing mistrust!

Posts: 469 | Registered: Sep 2005
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are supposed to be the couple with nothing under God separating us according to our vows. When the AP enters into our marriage, we unknowingly become a threesome. Once we find out we have been sharing a life with another I think our need to see a clear picture starts stripping away the crap the WS and AP have been using to keep secrets. Those secrets are what kept the A going and us in the dark. We want to turn on a light to kill the darkness and clean out the crap.

Some books call it breaking down a wall, brick by brick. On source likened it to cleaning a dirty window. My personal favorite is the puzzle analogy. We see the A as a puzzle that we only have a few pieces of. We gradually find pieces for ourselves and hopefully our WS gives us most of the pieces.

The problems arise when you do not get enough pieces to see the picture or you WS tells you the puzzle is a picture of a tree when it really is a picture of a lake. You are hindered in see the big picture and it will set you back. The devil is in the details. Some of us want a 50 piece puzzle to be satisfied and quickly done. Others of us want a 10000 piece puzzle we will never have all the pieces for and will never finish.

Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What to you do if you have a need for details but your WS doesn't remember?? I have gone through texts, pictures, phone records and calendars to get a better idea of what happened. Almost everything I know I found out on my own or had to pull out of him. After DDay he told me the # of times of the physical acts and after a lot of TT I found out when it actually started. I actually discovered that they had been sexting prior to the PA and then he told me how long. He says he actually doesn't remember the date of their last time or the when the conversation happened that ended it (she ended it because she decided she might have a future with the guy she was seeing)..
So my issue is I get no elaboration, I don't really know how he was feeling about these things because he says he doesn't remember. I know he was a master compartmentalizer but could he now be compartmentalizing the affair?
He is doing everything else right (NC, transparency, supportive, helping with DS, chores, etc) but having him not be able talk about it with me beyond perfunctory answers to my questions is killing me.
Sorry for the t/j.

Eta a little more detail.

[This message edited by AML04 at 1:09 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The trouble with asking and seeking the details relates to whether the WS is telling the truth when they 'reveal the sordid facts'.

Its human nature to attempt damage control. If the sex was awesome then telling the unfortunate BS doesn't seem very wise and definitely adds to the pain. Far better to feed a tale of disappointing sex and that they never stopped loving and thinking of you.

Its the very least they can do to mitigate the agony of their betrayal; make you feel it was no big deal and wasn't worth the effort. The actual truth has little to do with it.

Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't want the secrets. The only question I asked is if used a rubber. I still don't know if I believe his answer. I am not sure I could ever touch him again if I know all the details. It is hard as it is. I know he had sex with someone else and I still get pissed off when I think about it.


Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm coming on 3 months since d-day...and I would say that for the first 2 months I wanted to know EVERYTHING, but IC discouraged it because I already knew so much detail after reading pages and pages of their emails (lucky me). I wanted at timeline but never got it. He did answer some questions I asked. The few answers I got did match up with what I read in their emails, so I know when it started, ended, who it was, what they basically did and where and how many times. Now I'm in this place where I'm thinking that might be enough. He has no feelings for AP, it was just fantasy XXX stuff, if he loved her or if it had been physical for more than a few weeks (sexting went on for 2 months before they got physical for the last month) I might feel differently. And knowing what a roller coaster I've been on I may still change my mind and want to know more, but it's been such a relief to not be riddled with questions lately.

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 30
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