I did fairly well financially in the divorce. Nothing over the top, but I did get spousal and of course child support. I got to keep the house. I know I'm so lucky, compared to many, and I don't take it for granted at all. So much so, that I feel guilt at times. Maybe not exactly guilt, but I DON'T like feeling so financially dependent on him. And the reality is that I am.
He was the breadwinner, with a very high paying job. I am a teacher, but stayed home for several years. I went back to work last year, but it's only PT and pays much less than what I made in public school. My goal is to get a FT job at some point soon, but it's what I could find for now and allows me to be there for my kids after school. He just moved across the country to follow his big shot career (don't get me started...) so I have basically full responsibly of our two kids.
He was a terrible ass throughout his cheating, me finding out, leaving his family for the OW, and then bailing on his kids. During the divorce proceedings, I had no qualms asking for what I felt was fair and protecting myself financially.
I know his family thinks it's highway robbery and he's basically "paying our way." He made comments to hurt me in the past about me not contributing financially, even though I feel like being a SAHM was an important contribution even if it wasn't financial, and he always supported that, until the end.
Anyone else been in this situation? The spousal support is only five more years, so not forever. But I just don't like the feeling of dependence. I hate him seeing me as some kind of gold digger (a word the OW coined for me...)
It's weird being so put off by someone but also so dependent on them...
[This message edited by NWfleur at 11:52 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]
I believe I deserve every penny for pain and suffering and having someone put my life in jeopardy for 20 years.
Is it fair that he gave me everything?
Some probably don't think so, but I do, and that's all that really matters.
We never asked for any of this.
[This message edited by FaithFool at 12:07 AM, August 26th (Monday)]
I understand how you feel though, my STBXH is paying a crazy amount in child support which will only go up once he starts making more. I may not make as much as him but I do make enough to support our son by myself so I intend to make a savings account for our son using most of the child support.
"They cling to their bad choices out of shame, because it is far easier to continue to destroy yourself than to do the heavy work required to fix yourself." - a wiser SIer
You are assuming you will be healthy enough to work the next few years.
What irks me is he is spending thousands a month on OW. I hate that,, it was almost time for US to get to travel.
In my opinion, you actually received what is appropriate - it's very unfortunate that most don't.
Don't listen to him, his family or the OW. She's going to judge you? Seriously?
If I were you I be smiling all the way to the bank.
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling
When I do stop and think about it, I pull up the memory of him having me sell my inheritance to purchase a huge house for us...all the while he was having a gay affair.
*poof* bye-bye, guilt.
I think it would be good for your self esteem to get a full time job when you can. Not to reduce what he gives you, but to feel self sufficient. If you don't "need" his money, you can always put it away for your kids' college or weddings or future, things he probably won't help with.
My attorney told me I could probably get a few years spousal support because of some specifics in our situation, and I turned her down. No money in the world was worth having to deal with or being reminded of him to me. I'd rather be staying on a friend's couch than rely on him.
Amazonia and wgb nailed it on the head, I think. It's not that I don't feel I deserve...you are all so right, it's a business deal, I gave up my career in some ways to follow his, stayed home for our family, and he will ALWAYS make hand over fist more money than me. He will retire like a king. I won't. But it's the dependence thing. That's just not my style, and it's strange for me. I'm a pretty independent mama!
Amazonia, I absolutely plan to work FT soon. This was more of a "recovery" year in which I wanted to ease back into things. I like what some of you mentioned about putting the extra money aside (not that there's a ton) for the kids. Also, for a just in case fund. He isn't the healthiest guy...took up smoking, drinks a ton, etc...so who knows would could happen.
And MF13...NOPE, he's NOT still with the OW!!! She dumped him about a year and a half into it. Not her first married man, and probably not her last. He was devastated, apparently. Big old karma bus. Although, she moved to NYC after the whole ordeal (they were coworkers) and guess were he "coincidentally" moved several months ago? Apparently they have no contact, and it was a career move and he wasn't following her. Right. Pathetic. But that's another topic altogether!!!
[This message edited by NWfleur at 9:21 AM, August 26th (Monday)]
I hate him seeing me as some kind of gold digger (a word the OW coined for me...)
Let go of giving a flying fuck what he thinks. You earned that settlement. You say being a SAHM didn't contribute financially, but I beg to differ. You would have paid a fortune in daycare bills, and perhaps in hiring other services like cleaning, laundry, etc. You can put a price on that.
The settlement you are getting is compensation for all the years you were a SAHM. He was able to have the freedom to pursue his career and thrive. He decided to have an A and be single. So, he must pony up a percentage for the opportunities you gave him.
Stronger nailed it here.
I pay everything out of my pocket. Food, clothes, insurance, etc. He contributes financially so the child support helps me be able to pay daycare so I can work and buy their clothes, shoes, occasional babysitter, etc. I don't feel bad one bit. He chose to cheat and move really far away. He chooses to not have contact (doesn't Skype, etc). His loss.
[This message edited by GrievingMommy at 9:52 PM, August 26th (Monday)]
Did that stop me for getting a job and go forward with a career? No. I volunteered and worked hard to get where I'm at today. I still work pretty hard. I don't go overboard on things I don't need and live a pretty simple life style.
No way will I ever feel guilty for the decisions he made. And the aftermath of what he put me and his boys through - oh hell no, he can pay up the nose.
So, that's my $.02. Don't feel guilty in the least!
Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?
[This message edited by Dadtryingtocope at 4:25 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]
She on the other hand was gang busters about getting her promotion she wanted. I helped her work towards that. Same month she got her promotion she was having an affair. Coincidence?...I doubt it. I know most of it had to do with her ego and lack of self esteem (FOO issues). She figured if I found out she had the income she needed and I would just go away. She turned into someone I didn't know and did what she could do to kick me out and leave me destitute. that was until I got a shark of a lawyer who explained the law to me.
My lawyer argued (very easily in fact) that despite her being a woman, the courts do not care anymore. You were home taking your son as a committed spouse taking him to school, doing homework and getting him to his activities while she traveled building her career. You were keeping your business afloat at HER request. My lawyer couldn't wait to take her to court if it came to that.
In a nutshell she folded at mediation and lost almost everything that was liquid. Her 401K, IRAs, savings, stocks, etc. My feeling was if she ever lost her job I would never see an additional dime of that alimony. I elected to take as much in cash upfront just in case. She was so gung ho on keeping the house that she refinanced a $300K mortgage. Could never understand what a single woman with a child half the time needed with a 4000 sq ft home, pool and huge utility bills. I took her payout and paid cash for a small but really nice place I could manage. I left her with 20% equity in the home and $3K in the bank. She also floats me five years alimony because my lawyer and I were guessing a judge would rake her over the coals given the timeframe of her bad behavior. In Florida it's considered a long term marriage over 18 years. She filed at 18 years and 3 months...opps joke's on her! At 18 years all bets are off and there is the potential for lifetime alimony. I also pay zero child support given the years I put in.
I have guilt sometimes as a man receiving alimony from her. Yes it does hit my self esteem many times but at that time it was about survival. She treated me so badly when I found out about her affair (zero remorse) that I feel she had what was coming. As someone on here once told me, it's my..."Fuck you very much money"
[This message edited by SeanFLA at 10:18 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley