I am not convinced he left for her. I am convinced he left because of her. If that makes sense. All contact ended shortly after he left me 9 weeks ago. I saw her number come up in the usage as a received text last week after I confronted her. He did not reply.
Someone said to me that he is probably rewriting the history of our marriage to justify his cheating.
Just needing hope that maybe he will realize all he is missing.
[This message edited by Eyeofthetiger at 8:34 AM, August 26th (Monday)]
On DDay my FWH told me he was in love with someone else and wanted me to leave. Completely blindsided. We had just (7 day prior) moved to a new country for his new job and were staying in a company apartment. I left because I had no job and was totally alone.
The first couple of weeks I would call him crying and begging him to come to his senses. Then I got a pair of bitch boots, went 180 and saw an attorney. It took 6 weeks before he was begging me to come back. Well that was over a year and a half ago. I 100% believe that if I never got those boots we would not be together today.
Be sure if and when he does was to try to R you have your list of demands ready. Do not let him just come back and pretend nothing happened.
Sending you hope.
But please know that if he doesn't come back that you will be OK, no better then OK, you will be great :)
He still claims he doesnt feel the same about me and we arent good together so he isnt remorseful or begging me to take him back like I thought he would be when I found out. He has cried and appologized but that just seems to be regret not remorse.
180 for me but hoping it helps him too.
I did make some mistakes, believed him, on Thanksgiving of all days that he was done with the a and wanted to work on us. It was a lie, it was like dday all over again when I saw that he was still texting and talking to her. There were other times that I am ashamed of that I was not strong.
As soon as his a did end we started communicating. He left on Oct. 21 and ended a on Dec 10 2012. For about a month we spent time together and lived apart still.
In retrospect I think I would have felt better now, if I had not let him move back so quickly. I was not as strong then as I am now.
It's kind of funny now but I was only getting good at implementing the 180 for about 2 weeks when he ended his a.
Hard to know what if anything would have been different if I had done anything different.
We are just beginning now, for the last couple of months, to heal.
I remember reading somewhere on here that it's not over until it's over. I must say I did not believe it then. I really believed he had left me forever.
Probably the most important thing for you, no matter what happens, is really take care of you. Do or find things that make you feel good about you.
I know how hard that is. It's still hard for me. I do know that while I was living alone the best thing for me was discovering me. It gave me strength. No matter what happens, you will need strength.
You will get through, honestly it does get better. I still feel awful a lot of the time, but then I remember how I felt in the beginning and appreciate how far I have come, how much I have learned about myself, and most of all I appreciate that I now know how much more I deserve in life.
I went NC with him when he left.
8 months later he showed up at my door.
5 months later we were in R and we eloped a year later (about two years after DDay #2).
It does happen but still takes just as much work.
I am trying the NC 180 again today. But i did have to email him about bills etc. he texted me saying just let him know what i need and should he email me back from now on? I just want him to realize this all quickly. I have no patience left.
For the first 8 weeks he was all over the place with his emotions. He would hold my hand, flirt, be sexual (in which i was stupid enough to give it up). But since I found out about his EA he has been distant and cold etc. I dont really understand the sudden change in him.
Do you think there was something that made your WS have their WTF moment?
My H left me 4/29/12 for a coworker who lives 1600 miles from us. Their relationship to that point was strictly EA since February 2012 - texting, chatting at work, late at night after I went to bed. I spent the first few weeks making all of the classic BS mistakes. But he was determined that she was his "soulmate" so I stopped. I kissed him goodbye, made him sign a separation agreement concerning money and kids, and put myself/kids in counseling to help us cope.
He was sent to her city for business in July 2012. They finally consummated their true love. I started gathering evidence and looking for a lawyer. In October 2012, I told him that it had been 6 months, I had a lawyer and I was ready to file. I was finally done. At that point, he broke down. "OMG, what have I done?" We started talking after that. Became better co-parents. THEN in November, we started flirting one day. Next thing I know we were dating again - yes, including sex with no strings.
We were both leary about getting back together... But we eventually took the chance. He moved home in February 2013. Obviously there was a LOT more drama than what I have described.
What I discovered was that he had been on a downward spiral for 6 years and was leading a double life. He was letting his non-marriage friendly friends get in his head. I was the ball/chain holding him back. I was "controlling" because I would ask him to be home by 2am instead of 4am on nights that their band played or don't let band chicks kiss on him, even on his cheek. He had a wife and 2 kids - the others were single drunken skirt-chasers. He initially let them poison his mind against me and the marriage. Then, he took it from there and progressed on his own with porn, sexting, 100s of naked girl pictures, and 4 other women. The one he left me for, his so-called true love, could have been anyone.
What he discovered was that COW was not his soul mate/true love. I was! He broke it off with OW4 in September but didn't tell me because he didn't want to hear "I told you so". He started cutting out some of those bad influences even before I said that I was done and ready to divorce.
He didn't find what he was looking for out there in "singles" land. But he did find a new level of maturity and appreciation for what he had the whole time with me.
It's taken me some time to accept everything that he did. But I'm there. WE are there together!
[This message edited by TXBW68 at 1:36 PM, August 26th (Monday)]
The entire time he was gone was HELL. It was the worst time in my life, not only due to his A but because my ex-WH sued me for custody of our daughters (thought that since he married again that would be enough for him to get custody) and my father died of cancer. My 1st court date for custody was 4 days before my dad passed. (I won the custody suit, after a 6 month battle).
There are entie chunks of time in 2010 that I do not remember. Sometimes, I look back in wonder. How I managed to keep my job & pay my bills is amazing to me.
[This message edited by gonogo1 at 6:56 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]
WH said he was thinking about coming back, but by then I told him only with marriage counseling. It was too much for him to bother with so he was gone.
THe book Love Must Be Tough is by Dr james dobson, whom you would think would say to be kind, patient, loving, etc. He actually says NO NO NO to those. He said there is a time for that LATER, but for now you have to appear (and become) confident of how good of a catch YOU really are.
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