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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Email of new confessions from WS
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm at work, having a pretty decent day. I have another thread floating on here from last week, where I had a mini-emotional breakdown. Recovered from that, and was focusing on myself more. Had a good IC session today. Felt more like myself.

My phone buzzed with an email from WS, and now my hands are shaking and I'm crying. It was completely out of the blue. We had a good weekend. Actually didn't talk about A stuff for the first time in awhile. And then completely out of the blue, without any prompting from me, he confesses all this new crap. Not A related, but still important to me.

First, right after Dday, I was on another site before I found SI. Everyone was telling me to leave, and then 2 new accounts were created that advised me staying. They knew stuff that I hadn't posted. I suspected that it was my WS, and freaked out thinking that he was trying to manipulate me. He swore he didn't even know the website I was on. After I decided to R, I asked him about it again. He denied it, and I let it drop. Then a couple weeks ago, I made a thread about it on here and questioned him again. I was convinced he was lying, but had no proof. Again, I just decided to let it go. Out of the blue today, he admits that it was him. I don't care that it was him. I can kind of even understand why he did it. But this was such a huge thing that I kept asking him about over and over, even including like 2 weeks ago. He kept denying it, and kept saying that he was telling me the whole truth. And now I found out that he lied. It's not a huge surprise, since I suspected it anyway. But I just feel like... what has been the point of the past 4 months? How could he continue lying to me? How could he look me in the face, and continue lying? I know it's not A related, but it's a lie that I questioned him about continuously. I just don't understand.

And then the second lie that he confessed today is that he's been looking in my phone for the past several months. I knew that, and questioned him several times. He would never admit to it. So, I decided to make it hard for him and started changing my password every time I saw him. I figured if he was going to lie about it, then I'd make it more difficult for him. It just upsets me so much that he was looking through my phone, and violating my privacy, and lying to me about it... and he's the one that cheated! I've been faithful to him.. how is this fair to me?

Part of this is a rant.. and part of it is asking where do I go from here? He just confessed some stuff that I knew he was lying about. I feel like that's a huge step in the right direction. I didn't have to prod the information out of him... it was just out of the blue. So I feel like that's a good sign. He also admitted in the email that he needs counseling. So that's good too. But then I also feel like I'm just tired of getting more new "shocks" every few weeks or months. I am so exhausted by everything in my life.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1167 | Registered: Jul 2013
krazy8516
♀ Member
Member # 40076
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yikes.

Lying is one of those slippery-slope behaviors. If he can lie about things not A-related, what else might he be lying to you about?

What caused him to come clean today, did he say? Maybe, even though you thought he did, he didn't ever really "get it" until now. He's realizing what an ass he is/ was, and wants to finally start making changes in his life. Starting with the truth about everything...

I'm sorry he couldn't have been honest with you about everything upfront. And now you are having to deal with new hurts.

[This message edited by krazy8516 at 3:31 PM, August 26th (Monday)]


me: BW, 30
him: WH, 25
us: edging closer to R every day

married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m

"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."


Posts: 368 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What caused him to come clean today, did he say? Maybe, even though you thought he did, he did ever really "get it" until now. He's realizing what an ass he is/ was, and wants to finally start making changes in his life. Starting with the truth about everything...

I don't know. He said that he just wanted to admit it. He said that his intentions have been earnest, but he's been pulling out all the tricks and being manipulative in the process to try to win me back. I have no clue why he suddenly picked today to confess everything. I hadn't asked him any questions about it. He said that he joined SI last week (which I didn't know until today) and had been reading the WS forum. Maybe that had something to do with it? No clue.

So where do I go from here? Those were the two things I was convinced he was still lying about. I'm also convinced that OW broke off A, but he swears that he broke it off. Is that a lie too? It seems I've been right on my other suspicions. So I have no clue where to go from here. If he's lying about basic stuff like this, how am I ever supposed to trust him?

But.. I'm also feeling relieved. I was feeling crazy suspecting those things. When I asked him about the forum, he told me that not everything is a conspiracy theory and people trying to manipulate me... so it's such a huge relief to know that I wasn't crazy.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1167 | Registered: Jul 2013
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said that he joined SI last week (which I didn't know until today) and had been reading the WS forum.

OK, if he's on SI then he's familiar with the term "transparency."

Have him share his user name and look for him to begin actively posting.

In my opinion, if he's NOT posting, then he's simply using SI and phone spying to stalk and manipulate you.

EITHER he's using the information for healing ... OR he's manipulating.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^ I agree. He is using your posts to manipulate you.

The reason he doesn't like you posting here is because we can see through his bullshit.

ANY lie during R is a HUGE problem. What are his consequences for lying to you..and manipulating you? Im sure he will say he's not reading your posts here on SI for that reason..but that other site? THAT was pure manipulation..and then while you asked for the truth over and over again..he lied.

LonelyGirl..he needs to be in IC. This man is not a safe partner for you.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7478 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonelygirl,

Your intuitions have been spot on all along which, IMHO, is why you have been tied in knots for months now. After the sucker punch I got in February I will never ignore my gut again & you shouldn't either.

I have a really low tolerance for people who use manipulation to get what they want because honesty is rarely a part of the equation. You obviously see something in this man that's worth the price you are having to pay for the relationship. He has toyed with you from day one telling you lies about his beliefs regarding commitment in relationships, sex, and lecturing you on the appropriateness of opposite sex friendships only to show you the exact opposite with his behavior.

You are doing ALL the work in this relationship & are continuing to take constant hits. By nature of your profession, you defend the underdog. His every offense is rationalized or blown off in order to keep the relationship intact.

I'm not a big Dr. Phil fan but, one thing he used to say that has stuck with me for years is that people only tolerate bad behavior is because of what they may get in return. Do you tolerate all of his shenanigans, lies, deceit, hypocrisy for that "good" that you see in him? Please think about why you feel like you need this. Many, many people who don't even know you know that you deserve better. I hope you will start believing it yourself soon.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 744 | Registered: Apr 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ANY lie during R is a HUGE problem. What are his consequences for lying to you..and manipulating you? Im sure he will say he's not reading your posts here on SI for that reason..but that other site? THAT was pure manipulation..and then while you asked for the truth over and over again..he lied.

Oh, I've known for awhile that he's been reading my SI posts. He admitted that probably a month ago, and said that he was doing it so that he could know what I was thinking. So, yeah, I know that was manipulation too. But, I learned today for the first time that he created an account. I hope he starts using it.

He has agreed to go to counseling. So, that's good.

I'm not a big Dr. Phil fan but, one thing he used to say that has stuck with me for years is that people only tolerate bad behavior is because of what they may get in return. Do you tolerate all of his shenanigans, lies, deceit, hypocrisy for that "good" that you see in him?

Giving a completely honest reply, it's a lot of reasons. I fell in love with this perfect man that I had wanted my whole life. He had every quality that I put on my list of things I wanted. I fell hard for him. My IC says that I'm grieving the loss of that person. So, I'm partly hanging on to the relationship because I keep hoping that the person I fell in love with is still there somewhere. I'm also holding on to it because even now after everything that happened, he has the power to make me the happiest I've ever been. There's something about his personality that just takes me out of myself and makes me happy, so I'm holding on to that. I also think that I'm partly scared of being alone. Not so much being alone, but having to do the whole dating thing again. After reading SI, I feel like infidelity is in every relationship. So if I'm going to have to deal with it anyway, I might as well deal with it with him.


I asked him why he confessed all this today, and he said that he was just tired of lying.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1167 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But..he has been cheating on you since nearly the beginning of the relationship..correct?

LG,it's very possible that the man you feel in love with never existed. You fell for the man he presented himself as,and you feel in love with your image of him.

The man you thought you loved *may* be in there somewhere. Or *this* man..the liar..the manipulator
..is the real him.


Have you looked into the stalking accusation made by the OW? Something just seems off there.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7478 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you looked into the stalking accusation made by the OW? Something just seems off there.

I have looked into the stalking charge. I pulled the warrant for his arrest, and the cop put on there that OW claimed he was sitting outside her house and texting her after she told him to stop. The weekend that she alleges he did these things was Easter weekend, and he was with me that whole time except for about 6 hours on one day that he claimed he was at his dad's house. So, it's possible that he went to her house. However, his dad was going to testify that he was at his house that day. The OW ended up not showing up for the trial, so all the charges were dropped. I sent her a message asking her questions about it, but she never responded.

The man you thought you loved *may* be in there somewhere. Or *this* man..the liar..the manipulator
..is the real him.

This is the question that I've been struggling with since Dday. My gut feeling says that it wasn't all a lie. I think he "boosted" his self-image a little to me when we first met, but I did the same thing. He lied about his number of partners, but so did I. I think he was a good person. I think I fell in love with the real him. And then I'm not sure what happened. I think he made the giant mistake of getting involved with OW, and that just led to all these other lies and manipulations. I think he was trying so hard to keep me that he was willing to do anything.

He confessed all this stuff today without me asking about it. I had pretty much dropped it 2 weeks ago. So I see that as a good thing?


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1167 | Registered: Jul 2013
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's throwing you a bone! He knows you're not in a good place so he has to do something...what to do, what to do?

He already know you won't la e I've these lies (be a use you haven't), so he throws these out, confesses to 2 things you both know you already know that aren't deal dealers, no big deal right? Makes him look good, confuses you, makes you question yourself. Creating the fake users was manipulation, and so is this. Sorry, I feel the need to be blunt even if it's not nice to hear...he is manipulating you over and over again. He was a 'good' guy for what, a couple of months? That is not the true him, the true him he has shown you (some in your face, most deceptively), it's time you believed him.

((Hugs)) I would not take this as a good sign at all.


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's throwing you a bone! He knows you're not in a good place so he has to do something...what to do, what to do?

Maybe

It's weird... I'm at home, and not stressing out about all this. It was a shock when I first read the email, and I think last week I'd probably have been sad all night. But now I'm oddly fine. I feel like I had my emotional breakdown last week, and now I'm feeling more detached. There's so many lies. I don't trust anything he says now. So many "complete truths" and then confessions.

He's agreed to IC, and says he knows that he needs it. He admits that he manipulated me, which is the first time he's ever admitted to that.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 9:01 PM, August 26th (Monday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1167 | Registered: Jul 2013
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's so many lies.

He admits that he manipulated me, which is the first time he's ever admitted to that.

I'm going to let that hang in the air a bit...

While he works on himself.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
trytoforgive
♀ Member
Member # 27330
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a WW, I will say this- my true healing began when I finally went back and corrected all of the lies I told, and in all honesty, that was much harder than just answering questions honestly the first time.

I am not going to attempt to get into his mind, but it's possible that this is a really positive step.

Good luck.


Me- W 38
Him- H 40
Long time lurker...Sometimes poster...
DDay 8/14/2009

DD 15
DS 10


Posts: 452 | Registered: Jan 2010
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, I'm going to take an opposing view. As with everything, take it for what it's worth. Let me add that I can totally relate as my FWH hid some major stuff from me, but I found it, and it caused one hell of a setback.

It is possible that, while he has admitted to the manipulation, its also truth that he is also coming to the realization that any lie, any omission, equals a setback at some point between the two of you. And maybe he is trying to bring it forth. His timing was horrible. In my opinion, calling you while at work to drop all of this shit on you was horrifically stupid. He should have waited until you were at home. But maybe, just maybe, he was trying to be open.

On the advice of my MC, when my FWH would bring forth things that he had tried to hide from me, I would thank him for his honesty and then tell him that I wanted to discuss it at such and such a time. That gave me time to process and by NOT freaking out on him, it encouraged him to bring this stuff forward. Yeah, it was hard, but I am reaping the benefits from it now as he is much more ready to tell me about things that have come up and I need to know about. It took some time, but we are finally, finally, getting to that place.

Just another viewpoint. Take what you need/want from it and leave the rest behind. (((hugs))) I *do* think that he was completely out of line calling you at work with this stuff. That's just stupid.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4856 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Topic Posts: 14

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