Topic: Dear Prudie is messing it up
Member # 40181
| Posted: 3:10 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013|
My BW reads Slate.com's 'Dear Prudie' column regularly and shared a reply about infidelity today that totally hacked me off. Rather than unduly influence you good people here, I'll just supply the link and we can have a good old chat about it. Maybe Slate will suddenly find a whole bunch of knowledgeable commenters sharing their practical experience in the near future.
Me: WH 43
Her: BW 39
Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 32753
| Posted: 3:19 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013|
Wow. Yep, very disappointed in her advice. Also that the STD must be a preexisting condition in their marriage - seriously?! How do they know that either the unfaithful husband or his affair partner didn't have more than one extramarital partner?! I know I'm preaching to the choir here... That's just irresponsible. This could cost this man his health, as well as his right to know about his own life. And yeah - the abuse story could well be false and the husband trying to "protect" his AP. Very disappointed, Prudie.
Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Posts: 3706 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Member # 38958
| Posted: 4:34 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013|
Just read her advice as well. Missed the mark entirely on all aspects.
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."
Posts: 286 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 33698
| Posted: 4:45 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013|
Ugh-- read the comments. They are all going on and on about how the BW should not tell the BH because he might "abuse" the WW (or even beat up the BW!). How many of us heard that lie? I personally heard that the AP's husband was "verbally abusive."
Also, they are putting down the online support group for taking this stance. It must be so nice to comment on a message board about things you have no experience with, yet you still think that you are some sort of authority.
[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 4:46 PM, August 26th (Monday)]
BS (Me) 39
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley
Posts: 3326 | Registered: Oct 2011
|A Woman Scorned|
Member # 20875
| Posted: 4:54 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013|
warning* facetious post ahead
yeap, she sucks and the commenters suck as well for the most part
tryingagain- I saw that too, talking about staying away from the online group
would they give the same advice for other online support groups?!
**glib asshole commences**
and yeah, the support of the poor, abused, CHEATING whore, what about the whore? who will think of the whore? that poor whore might have a possibly abusive husband who may possibly abuse her if he finds out...
think of the whore, you guys!!!
that betrayed wife is just selfish with her truth telling and her pain
what a load of wayward mentality....
"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." Martin Luther King Jr
"Oh, look what the whore-cat dragged in... a whore" Stan Smith, American Dad
Posts: 1979 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Canada
|I think I can|
Member # 17756
| Posted: 5:20 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013|
If you read her long enough and read between the lines, it's pretty obvious she was an OW at least once in her life. References to her daddy issues, relationships with older men, defense of OWs and how affairs are only the responsibilities of the married people......etc etc.
I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.
Posts: 8707 | Registered: Jan 2008
Member # 33965
| Posted: 6:03 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013|
I don't post much these days but I read Dear Prudie and came to see if anyone was talking about her column today.
I really think SI is the online support group referred to. I know this sounds weird, but a year or so ago, I read a Dear Prudie column and the circumstances of two of the letters that were in the same column seemed familiar. And then I remembered that I had seen BOTH situations posted on SI just a few days earlier. Some of the details were nearly identical. It's totally possible that both of those posters read Dear Prudie and decided to ask her, of course, but I remember wondering at the time if she/her staff were trolling SI for "letters" for her column.
[This message edited by sadsadie at 6:03 PM, August 26th (Monday)]
Posts: 58 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Ohio
Member # 38020
| Posted: 9:40 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013|
But you don't know these people and you don't owe them anything.
I take HUGE issue with the advice you gave to a woman about not exposing her H's A to the other BS.
If that man's wife is cheating on him with this woman's H, who knows what else or who else he is f***ing?! If this woman's H contracted an STI from his affair partner, that could have been a pre-existing condition in the marriage. OR, it could mean that the WW has been wayward with more than one person, got the STI elsewhere, and brought it into the marriage without the BS knowing about it.
The online support community was correct in that continuing to keep the A a secret only makes the BW an active participant in the lies to another person. In the interest of the other person's health and life, she needs to do the right thing and expose the affair.
If the WW's H is truly an abusive person, she should not have risked him finding out by having an affair in the first place. She needs to devolop a support network and leave. And, who is to know if that WW is even telling the truth? You would be amazed how many cheating partners accuse their BS of being abusive to scare their AP's into not telling so that they can get away with it. This is a woman whom we already know is not being honest with her husband, so we can't trust that she was honest about being abused at home either.
"You don't know them so you don't owe them anything" is the most ludicrous advice I have ever seen from a so-called "expert." I don't know you, do I get to just walk up to you and smack you in the face with a crowbar? No, because there is such a thing as basic human respect- even for strangers whom we don't know.
I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
Posts: 783 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 32554
| Posted: 10:15 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013|
Let's sort out the public health aspect first. If your husband contracted an STD from his lover, then that's a pre-existing condition in her marriage, and you don't need to inform her spouse.
This is folly. Maybe the husband doesn't know he has it. There is an STD which women can die from that men might not even have a symptom. What a stupid assumption.
you don't know these people and you don't owe them anything
Wow. What an unsympathetic, uncaring, rug-sweeping reply.
Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
Posts: 8401 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 40181
| Posted: 10:46 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013|
I knew I could count on you all to get it.
Seriously, this SI community is the best thing that ever came out of the horrible thing that is infidelity.
Me: WH 43
Her: BW 39
Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 36555
| Posted: 12:52 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013|
I lost FULL respect for this so called advise giver.
BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels
Posts: 1029 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Member # 25156
| Posted: 2:22 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013|
I came here to see if anyone was talking about this too - and I don't post much anymore. I read Dear Prudie, and I have to agree with the poster who said she was probably an OW at some point. Super disappointed.
Posts: 360 | Registered: Aug 2009
|Topic Posts: 12|