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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why now, why after so long I can get over it?
Mirellacav
♀ Member
Member # 36799
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will try to make a long story short…
In the wake of DD in the spring of 2012, an old (about 30 years ago) “situation” came back to my mind. While I was out of the country, my H, at the time my fiancé, had a thing with a coworker. They got drunk one night, had sex, and made the “agreement” that when I would come back in town the story would end. Well, it did not end and I found out. It lasted a couple of months, off and on, and when I gave him the ultimatum it finally ended. During our marriage we never spoke about, her name or the situation was NEVER mentioned until last year, when few days after last year DD he confessed he hooked up with her on Facebook. We live thousand of mile away, so no physical contact there, but it still did not make me happy that he connected back with her. In the last few months memories of that the times are resurfacing more frequently, some of the details are very vivid like if it happened yesterday. Since DD in 2012, my H and I agreed that even if our marriage was broken we are committed to each other and will work on the future. He has been doing all possible to show that he cares; on the other hand I feel I cannot shake this off. The interesting part is not the new DD that is hunting me, but the old. I find myself thinking about it every day, and the pain does not go away. Why now, why after so long I can get over it? I have forgiven him for the recent “event” but I cannot forgive him for the old. I am lost!


DD 05/03/12
Old DD July 1983
Me 57 BS, Him 55 WS
Married 29 years, 3 children, 3 grandchildren
Reconciliation: Work in progress

Posts: 51 | Registered: Sep 2012
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During our marriage we never spoke about, her name or the situation was NEVER mentioned until last year

I think that might be part of your answer right there, Mirellacav. This stuff simply was never dealt with at all until last year. Your healing time line starts from the moment that you start dealing with and processing the A. Now you are at the point where you are dealing with unresolved issues. Sometimes when these wounds fester for longer periods of time, they are more difficult to heal.

Just some thoughts.

Take care.


Posts: 6186 | Registered: Dec 2010
so_lost
♀ Member
Member # 7726
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been over 8 years since my FWH's affair and things resurfaced in a bad way back in March. I was getting over my third miscarriage in a row when FWH and I started the discussion about whether or not to try again. The next week I find out he is actively trying to get some pot. Pot means two things to me: No more babies and lies. It was too much and I slipped back into the pain of his A. I started questioning whether or not I made the right decision to stay after all these years. I asked myself and him some of the tough questions I hadn't asked before. A few years after the affair we moved on with life and had two kids and probably didn't do as much as we or I needed to to heal. We were too busy.

It sounds like you were "over it" but he triggered you back by breaking NC and by breaking your trust again. It's like he cheated all over again. Why on earth would he contact her again? Hasn't he a clue as to how hurtful this might be to you? I would be so crushed, too.

Sounds like he needs to do the work of helping you heal for the first time (or all over again). You deserve it even if it's been 30 years.

((Mirellacav)))


D-day April 2005, R.
Me-BS 37
Him-FWH 37, 8 month EA/PA with coworker. Married 2 yrs at the time.
2 kiddos after D-day, Married 11 years.


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2005
Mirellacav
♀ Member
Member # 36799
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, lets fix the typo, the title should say.....why after so long I can NOT get over it?
LosferWords, I think you hit it right, I am starting now to process the whole mess. Lots of work coming our way.
so_lostShe (now we renamed her "the ghost")was the one that contacted him first thru Facebook, and he did not ignore her. Big mistake, I was furious!
As I said the interesting part is that now I remember most of the situations, while he seems to have forgot or conveniently forgot. I am asking questions like what did you said about this or that to her.....remember you did this....what where you thinking'' why did you do it....why did you tell her you loved her.....if you never intended to break up with me why did you get involved.....and on and on and on....
It was so long ago and I know I will have too many answered questions due to the time passed.Is that was repressed memories are? I CANT TAKE IT, it is painful! Where do I go from here?


DD 05/03/12
Old DD July 1983
Me 57 BS, Him 55 WS
Married 29 years, 3 children, 3 grandchildren
Reconciliation: Work in progress

Posts: 51 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 4

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