During our marriage we never spoke about, her name or the situation was NEVER mentioned until last year
I think that might be part of your answer right there, Mirellacav. This stuff simply was never dealt with at all until last year. Your healing time line starts from the moment that you start dealing with and processing the A. Now you are at the point where you are dealing with unresolved issues. Sometimes when these wounds fester for longer periods of time, they are more difficult to heal.
Just some thoughts.
It sounds like you were "over it" but he triggered you back by breaking NC and by breaking your trust again. It's like he cheated all over again. Why on earth would he contact her again? Hasn't he a clue as to how hurtful this might be to you? I would be so crushed, too.
Sounds like he needs to do the work of helping you heal for the first time (or all over again). You deserve it even if it's been 30 years.
I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.