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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How hard was year 2 of R
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just hit my 1 year from DDay. Already I see much more of our focus on marital issues Pre A. I also see myself, now that I have a better grasp on my life, a bit more blunt on what I want and expect out of our relationship going forward. How was it for the rest of you? I have heard year 2 was tough. Maybe because the shock wears off and we are really looking how we are being treated? Wondering what to expect. I know eveyones warnings about 6 months after DDay were spot on.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to say it but year 2 for me has been brutal. The A becomes more real and I am going through details that I have to accept and process to move on. With each process it gets harder and a little better if that makes any sense. The realization of my WH's A came full force in year 2 and also the awareness that our M history will always have this kink (A's) in it. That is my experience though, everyone's is different. If you have a remorseful spouse from day 1 I imagine year 2 must go a lot easier.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The A becomes more real and I am going through details that I have to accept and process to move on. With each process it gets harder and a little better if that makes any sense. The realization of my WH's A came full force in year 2 and also the awareness that our M history will always have this kink (A's) in it. That is my experience though, everyone's is different. If you have a remorseful spouse from day 1 I imagine year 2 must go a lot easier.
Sorry to hear that. Yeah those are tough ones. At least you are working throuh them not jus stuffing them. My WW and I spent the first 3-4 month of R going over the details. I went through them early on because I was on perminent mind movie and I found knowing the details and addresing each trigger helped me ALOT!!! Acceptance is a bitch. I still struggle with it. Not as bad as a couple months ago. I see us really hitting the dirty parts of our marriage now. Working on how to have a better merriage and heal through the past and reconnect on a deeper level. That part is so hard when we both have walls up.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most of my year one was complete insanity. I really felt crazy from the roller coaster. I had TT for most of it which didn't help. The last few months of year one we really started coming together with full honesty and remorse and determination to save our relationship. We soared through the A season and Dday.

We thought we had arrived. We started slacking on our progress both individually and together. Life again turned "normal". I slipped into a deep depression. It could have been the Plain of Leathal Flattness. Forget about the A, I thought about how traumatic year one was. How this shit consumed a year of my life so far and there was no end insight. I could not find joy or motivation in anything. This lasted from months 14-20.
We started working on moving forward again. Started doing all the things we had stopped doing. We turned toward each other again. We started making every moment count. Working on ourselves and together.

It has gotten a lot better since then. I am looking forward to our future again.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2594 | Registered: Aug 2012
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in year 2 right now.

I am finding that in some ways, year 2 can be more difficult than year 1.

a) H was more than happy to make changes to make me happy right after the A. But getting him to actually keep up with them...a whole different story. It's kind of like when I get my bedroom cleaned and I have the best intentions of keeping it cleaned and not letting it get to be a big mess again. But devoloping new patterns and not falling back into old patterns. This is hard.

b) the first year after the A, H was much more sympathetic about how I was feeling and understanding about my extremely conservative values. As more and more time has passed since A, he is getting more of an "omg, you are still on THAT?" and "you still don't trust me?" attitude, which I don't like and find offensive.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"you still don't trust me?"

this is the question that I am not looking forward too...I am still in yr 1 and I have zero trust - I don't think we'll rebuild trust by year 2 and I think he'll be tired of proving himself, being sorry etc...but honestly, I think if he kept it in his pants we'd still have trust.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you guys think that once the dust has settled so to speak on year one that year 2 you find out what your WS is really working on and if you even want to continue forward. I know what my vision is for my future of my marriage. If we can come somewhat close to what I envision it will be awesome. But, I don't know if my W is really capable of that and if its unrealistic. I want her to have that "Oh my god I am so in love with you feeling" I don't get that. I give it but don't get it. Sometimes I doubt the relationship because of that.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think if he kept it in his pants we'd still have trust.
Should you really trust blindly anyway? I still don't trust 100% but came to the conclusion I don't want to and I shouldn't have to begin with.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly? It's a bitch. Shit gets real. You get exhausted. You aren't over it yet, and 15 to 18 months of hypervigilance, emotional swings, highs, lows, and the roller coaster in general have worn your ass out. It's survival mode. Maybe you start to get numb. It beats the lows. Then at some point I hope shit gets better or you find out it really was a dealbreaker. That's my experience so far. I wouldn't say everyone goes that exact route, but it's a pattern that gets mimicked closely enough by anecdotal evidence. There's probably several paths, this one is mine. I'm hoping you don't walk it.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3958 | Registered: Dec 2011
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, August 26th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

igaveitmyall....I was very intent on details this first year...absolutely drove after them...I believe I have most all of the truth....so am thinking that wont be a great big part of year 2.

Honestly, I don't know what to expect. This has been exhausting....

Coming up on 1 year antiversary myself (less then 2 weeks)...don't have any great plans to deal with that...not sure if that is good or bad.

On your other post it sounds as if your wife is really committed to working on herself and your marriage.

I would say try to take every moment as it comes....and do the most positive action associated with that moment when you can.

I will add you to my specific prayer list. I just have your SI nickname, but God knows who you are, who your wife is. I will pray that you both keep your hearts open and your courage up.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:33 PM, August 26th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3746 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well we've been in year 2 for exactly ONE WEEK and it has been brutal! I have been feeling really overwhelmed.

For me, I believe the problem is emotional exhaustion.... honestly, the trauma and roller-coaster of Year 1 has taken a toll, I feel like I need a break, I could use a vacation and that ain't happening anytime soon I'm afraid.

We have an appointment scheduled with a therapist on Monday - fWH and I will see her together initially, but I might then opt to have IC with her, I'll see what she says. Hoping that will help me navigate Year 2.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 987 | Registered: Oct 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember when "Class of 2010" had this conversation. It was such a relief to hear that we all were going through such similar phases.

Year 1 was denial through "why/how" for me. I thought that if I dug around enough there would be some answer that would make sense of things.

Year 2, like what several have reported here, was when cold hard reality started to settle in. Less anger-fireworks, more simmering rage as we gathered our wits and were able to assess the scope of the damage with a little more composure. When there wasn't resentment, there was the unsettling numbness.

Year 2 was really hard, in a completely different way than year 1 was hard.

The light at the end of this particular tunnel is that with a solid effort towards healing, acceptance comes just on the heels of allowing reality to settle in, and there is a sort of freedom that comes along with that. You stop fighting the fact that it happened. There's a lot of sadness, but believe me when I tell you that there is some kind of relief when you can look what happened in the face and say, "Ok, so where do I go from here?"

(((Year 2 friends)))

It gets easier.


If life is just a series of ridiculous attempts to be alive, you're a hero. - J. Winger

Posts: 17529 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Jrazz, I needed to hear that today!


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 987 | Registered: Oct 2012
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, year 2 was much easier. The dynamics of our marriage improved tremendously, and they have pretty much stayed that way since than. At 18 months out I felt we were happily reconciled.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5665 | Registered: Aug 2007
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the whole, year 2 was a lot easier for us.

The trouble was that every couple of months I'd see an already known issue in a new light, and that tended to be devastating. I didn't feel awful all the time, but when I did, I almost went into despair. Without SI, my IC would have spent lots of time with me on the phone. With SI, I just posted and got support and guidance way faster than I would have gotten a return phone call.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10162 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Without SI, my IC would have spent lots of time with me on the phone.

This sounds just like me

You stop fighting the fact that it happened. There's a lot of sadness, but believe me when I tell you that there is some kind of relief when you can look what happened in the face and say, "Ok, so where do I go from here?"

^ I feel like I am coming closer to this point. It feels familiar just not quite so strong yet.

Great post jrazz


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The trouble was that every couple of months I'd see an already known issue in a new light, and that tended to be devastating. I didn't feel awful all the time, but when I did, I almost went into despair.

Wow, so very true for me as well. I would describe it as "delayed processing" or something along those lines.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
Topic Posts: 17

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