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User Topic: Relationship Issue Vent
mysticpenguin
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Private, dog is now deceased (hit by a car) so don't want this online. sorry.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 10:12 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recognize that sometimes when he gets really really really angry, he treats me in a destructive way. Not all the time by any means and not even every time we fight.

That fact that you make excuses for him is very sad. It doesn't matter if it's "not even every time". He abuses you...period...and you allow him to.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13811 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just a "stupid poor person." (I come from a lower class family and he comes from a mansion.)

This statement by him tells you all you need to know about your WH and *who* he is.....

Sorry, but I'm not so sure that I would label your problems w/ him as true 'relationship' issues.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8090 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
mysticpenguin
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should say, and should have originally said, that after he made that comment, he immediately said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that." After I attempted to draw a parallel and indicate that I have to accomodate him, the fight turned ugly and he stopped moderating himself.

Saying he abuses me - I respectfully disagree. Emotional abuse is, by definition, the systematic diminishment of an individual. When we are not arguing (and we have argued more often than usual in the past 2-3 weeks), he is considerate and kind and really makes an effort to communicate. When we really get into it, its like he becomes a totally different person.... And then when he calms down, it's right back to his normal self.

He just becomes so mean when hes angry.

And no I don't think it is okay for him to be so cold and mean and angry when he is mad. But I also don't think it constitutes abuse. If it was constant, or if he got that angry every time we argued, that would be a different story.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:11 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saying he abuses me - I respectfully disagree. Emotional abuse is, by definition, the systematic diminishment of an individual. When we are not arguing (and we have argued more often than usual in the past 2-3 weeks), he is considerate and kind and really makes an effort to communicate. When we really get into it, its like he becomes a totally different person.... And then when he calms down, it's right back to his normal self.

He just becomes so mean when hes angry.

And no I don't think it is okay for him to be so cold and mean and angry when he is mad. But I also don't think it constitutes abuse. If it was constant, or if he got that angry every time we argued, that would be a different story.

I told myself the same things. I told myself that since there were some times he was decent to me, it wasn't abuse. Since he was capable of being nice sometimes, it wasn't abuse. Not every word out of his mouth was cruel. He did sometimes do nice things.

(((HUGS)))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9830 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS I'm calling BS MP. He is abusive as hell and maniPulates you beautifully by playing mr nice guy as long as you tow the line.

You seriously need to put some limits on his behavior. Telling you he doesn't want you around. And you allow it? Tell him to get off his lazy ass and go someplace else like the moon.

About the dog. That's a tough one. I would have issue keeping an unstable dog like that if I had kids the only option would be the hard awful one. She has been abused and unless she can live with only women and no other dogs around or insight she is dangerous. She's a large dog that could do a lot of damage.

I had to make that hard choice with a dog. I had an autistic dalmatiOn. He got really weird/ aggressive after I had our first kid. He bolted through his electric fence and bit a neighbor. Had this person not been an animal lover we could have been sued and lost everything. I certainly couldn't keep a dog I couldn't trust with kids around. So we had to make that very hard decision.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8722 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Emotional abuse is, by definition, the systematic diminishment of an individual. When we are not arguing (and we have argued more often than usual in the past 2-3 weeks), he is considerate and kind and really makes an effort to communicate. When we really get into it, its like he becomes a totally different person.... And then when he calms down, it's right back to his normal self.

My exwh was the same way, except he physically abused me too. So, by your standard, I couldn't say my exwh physically abused me because he "only" hit me when he was angry. Otherwise, he was very nice to me.

His behavior IS abusive. You don't want to admit it to us or yourself, but those of us who've been abused see it for what it is.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13811 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ummmm....mystic. You are so deep into the abuse that you can't even see it. You can't see how *wrong* the things that he says to you are. Have you looked at the cycle of abuse? Of course he isn't abusive all of the time.....you'd *see* it if he were....and leave him.

By your description, your WH is just peachy keen awesome so long as you are going along for his ride....but when YOU want to blaze your own path, well, watch out. He needs to make sure to put you back into your place.

after he made that poverty logic comment, he immediately said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

Uh, ok. And how many times has he made the same type of statement to you and followed it up with an "I'm sorry?"

His I'm sorry's after statements like this don't matter because the damage is already done at that point. He tears you down and then gets to rush in and play 'savior.'

Cycle of abuse. Google it and I'll bet that you'll find that it *fits*.
Honeymoon --> tension-building --> blow-up --> honeymoon --> etc....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8090 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
MissMovingOn
♀ Member
Member # 30720
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abusive people aren't abusive all the time. If they were, there's no fucking way in hell they'd ever get someone to stick around long enough to put up with it. They abuse you and then lull you back into thinking they're a decent human being for a while until they strike again.

"Nice guy" 60%, 70%, 80% heck even 90% of the time doesn't mean jack if they're abusive the remainder of the time.


Me: BS, 34
Him: (SA/NPD)WH, 31
Multiple ddays since 2010 (Latest January 15th 2013) - not counting anymore!
FINAL FINAL DDay - August 8, 2014. I AM DONE!

Posts: 418 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: West Coast Canada
mysticpenguin
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is getting better at identifying the effect his words have. I wasn't posting here a year to a year and a half ago but believe me when I say things were 10x worse then.

I just think there is a huge difference between having anger management issues during a fight and psychological or emotional abuse -- and there is a difference between that and physical abuse. There is a huge range of inappropriate responses to conflict and I think for someone (in this case WH but I'm not a saint either) to go from silent treatment and utter stonewalling (like to the point that I have no idea what any of his dissatisfactions were until 6 months ago) to a totally healthy response... I mean it's going to take a while.

Just like my evolution from codependent to healthy isn't going to happen overnight.

All I'm saying is there have been improvements. I shudder to think what you guys would say about some of the fights we had a year ago.

I am acutely aware that that type of fighting is not healthy but rather destructive. And I know that what he says when he is enraged has nothing to do with me.

There is no hoovering, no control, no jealousy, no isolation. Even stepping back from the situation and putting it down on paper, knowing what I know of WH, what our fights start over, our pattern / cycle, and his personality... I see a husband who loses his temper in heated arguments and who has an inflammatory fighting style, and a codepedent wife, in an open marriage together.

Sorry for rambling, it's so late. Thank you everyone for your support. What I really hoped to accomplish and did accomplish was to disengage from the fight, force myself to realize that I can't win when he's in that state, and subdue the fight-induced codependent anxiety.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:14 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
AppleBlossom
♀ Member
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is an abuser's MO - make you feel wonderful and bring you crashing down. You are supposed to make excuses for them, so they dont have to. You are doing half the work for him.

I am really sorry you are going through this, but to see you justify and excuse his horrible behaviour is very sad.


Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is abuse. To tell you to get out of your own kitchen? If he wanted to be alone he could leave.

He is kind until he is mad. Then he is unreasonable, and the BS of him sulking in the living room for the next however long that went on, is abusive too. He was waiting on you to come boo hooing to him. Good for you that you didn't, but he is still abusive.

We can all say mean horrible things when we argue, but to use your words to belittle, and make one feel less of an equal, or to keep them in line (which is what he did) is abuse. It doesn't leave marks, it's not berating you in public, but it is abuse.

MP keep pushing to find your strength. Consider this though. If you had a daughter, and someone treated her like that what would you call it?

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8722 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 32
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