It is killing me to hold these thoughts and feelings inside. He can see this is making me ill. After 5 months I have gone back to not sleeping etc.
The feelings of contempt for him are escalating again. I cant even bear for him to hold my hand...how dare he when he doesnt want to connect emotionally at all.
I am done with goading him to talk about it....what else can I do? Please help...
Others prefer when the BS has a Question Notebook. BS writes down questions as they occur. Then the WS has some safe emotional space to formulate an empathetic answer. Pros: BS can re-read the same answer as often as needed, and the WS doesn't say "you've asked this question 20 times, and I've already answered 20 times." Cons: Since the WS isn't on the spot, if inclined to lie, the WS has time to lie-check the details.
All forms of communication require TWO willing partners.
About a week ago WH said he couldnt handle discussing the A and the hurtful things I say about him during the A.
My guess is that your WH is struggling more with the hurtful things you say, more than just discussing the affair. In my opinion, anger is poison to R and what you two are going through is proof of that.
If you can't find ways to discuss the affair in a constructive way, then you may need an MC to help moderate.
So sorry for what you are going through.
It sounds as if he is not thinking of your healing. Has he read any of the books? Not Just Friends comes to mind as one that addresses the work a W must do to in order to keep R on track. If as most of us, you are on the 3 to 5 year plan, is he willing to go that distance with you? R is for him also, not just you.
I think I need to ask the same question over and over because of the sheer volume of crap I have to keep turning over in my mind. He knows every second of his affair and you only have glimpses into it. Complete transparency, no gray areas, no blame shifting, and answering your questions, no matter how painful only STARTS the R process, not end it.
Try not to start a discussion when you are tired. I started writing questions down as soon as I think of them. If I still need to know tomorrow, I ask it. And, he better be ready to answer with a complete answer in a compassionate tone. If he cannot make you the center of his world right now, you both need to find out why. As a MC told my H, your wife gets to be the star right now. Treat her accordingly and do not mess it up.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
We are in MC, albeit infrequently due to vacations etc
I will practice 180 better, have tried setting a time aside but because of our chaotic lives and young children, this is really hard to stick to. We have messaged in past, but it seemed ridiculous to do this when we are at home. I havent tried a journal, will suggest this when I pull myself out of this bad place I have come to.
have tried setting a time aside but because of our chaotic lives and young children, this is really hard to stick to.
When you don't make your marriage and spouse a priority, it is very difficult to make a relationship work.
One of the things that came out of our R was to make each other a priority. If that meant the kids and other things were placed on the back burner, then so be it. If you can't find time to communicate, there is little time for emotional intimacy, which in turn provides fertile ground for other issues to develop; some of which may lead to an affair.
Keep this in mind as you are working through pre-affair marital issues.
[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 6:35 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]