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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Things as they seem
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So this past weekend was amazing! Me and my BGF had a wonderful time! And Sunday night after working on the garage all day we had a good nights sleep. My BGF woke up in the middle of the night. Not because of the affair. But something else. But was able to go back to sleep.

So fast forward to the morning we got to spend several hours talking and having a great morning. Putting her kids on the buses for the first day of school. And I get to spend another half hour or so with her before going to work. And meanwhile all morning long we were talking about normal stuff and why she woke up from her sleep, how my rest was ect.

Then we also talk on my drive in on the phone. So things are getting easier and I remember a time when our phone would be consistently going off all day sending sweet nothing's to each other. And after the A we have kinda distanced ourselves. Mainly because of me. I was afraid to talk because I didn't want to trigger her or somehow all our conversations would lead to the A.

So I decide no more. As awkward as it may be or maybe a struggle to get back to us talking all day I send a text. And here's where things aren't as they seem. But if you are sending and innocent text to your GF/W you aren't thinking how it looks.... I sent "how was your night" then shortly after I said "Did you get enough sleep besides the waking up feeling weird" but there was a bit of a delay because I was walking to our other building at work.

And I didn't think and it looks to her and I'm sure anyone else that it was meant for someone else... And I'm so scared because I'm putting everything into our relationship and I feel like I put us back at square one and I don't know how I can prove to her it was meant for her and only her.

I just hope this isn't the end.


Me: SAWBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2013
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick question., and I might be way off.

Did you use texts as a way to communicate with your AP? If so, she may be triggered by texts from you now, even if she knows it is to her.

It's hard to prove a negative, and texting gives no context or tone, so they can easily be mis-understood, and if you did use texts with AP, you might want to ask her how she feels about text with you at this point.

It sounds like you two communicate face to face and on the phone just fine from what you say.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The AP was a ONS but we did text for a day after the ONS but that was all. And that was over a year ago and NC since then except when my BGF went through my text log on my wireless plan and wanted me to get names to all the numbers and since I deleted them all out of my phone and she was there while I sent out a text to all the unknown numbers. But I did has a habit of keeping females as friends and I have stopped that all together and am no longer friends with them after D-day. Which was 7 months after the ONS.

And we do have out moments when things get rough when talking/texting/phone calls. But we do our best to talk to each other.


Me: SAWBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2013
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. Makes sense.

I suggest to just keep communicating. That is all you can do.

Maybe in the future, with text, if you think she will have a tendency to question your text, to address her by name in the text? I don't know, just a thought. That way she can't question who the text is for.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wish I didn't break my texts up into individual thoughts/sentences. I just wish she could believe me. I strive every day to become better of a man than I was the day before.


Me: SAWBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2013
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is all you can do. You can't control her, or her feelings/thoughts.

All you can do is show her who are you through your actions.

Good luck.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bs here. Just thought I would chime in.

Texting was a HUGE part of a.

I hate to see the phone. I feel like it holds secrets that I will never know.

On the other hand, I do want texts. I want to know that he is thinking of me.

Phone calls are good too but sometimes at work, when you can't answer, it's frustrating. It makes me wonder what I am missing from him and then I have trouble focusing on what I should be doing.

With a text, I know it is waiting for me and I can read it as soon as I am free.

Another reason I like them is that I can save them and read them over and over if I am having a bad day.

Ok another reason, he gave that attention to her, he can't take it back but he can now give it to me going forward.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I know I can't control her. And I'm gonna do my best to show her I'm here for her and only her. Thanks for the luck. I'm gonna need it.


Me: SAWBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2013
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CA, I'm trying to text her but she's not responding. I only want to text her. But because it was such a weird text she thinks there's someone else and is asking who yesterday. And today she's only sent a few back saying she can't believe me and and she has to move forward. Which could mean two things.

1. She's gonna leave me.
2. She's gonna have to move forward with us thinking she'll never know who it was meant for (even tho it was for her) and hope nothing else is there.

It sucks cuz this is not how I wanted it to be. I envisioned an entire day of sweet texts and communication. And it turned into a nightmare. But what's worse is how she's feeling and I can't imagine how she's feeling and I did this to her


Me: SAWBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2013
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you call her and tell her what you just told us. That you didn't want your conversations to end and thought that you would send her a quick text. Ask her how she feels about the two of you texting. Just be direct, that is what I would want.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's just it. All day yesterday I was sending apologies and I love you'd and what I really meant by it. But it's just viewed as damage control... We live together so of course I know how her night went. And we did discuss it in the morning as well but I wanted to start all conversations over and start with the usual how was your night.

And last night we hardly spoke. I know what she's thinking because I would think the same thing.... I am truly lost in all of this.

She has access to everything 24/7 except my phone. As it is with me at work. But she can access my billing and see everything. She knows all my emails and their passwords. I'm about to go to AT&T and get a normal phone. These iPhones can hide everything an I hate that!!!


Me: SAWBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2013
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read her post in General. You have your work cut out for you, that is for sure.
I just wish she could believe me.
Believe me, she wishes for the same thing. At this point, the damage is done. You just have to continue to work on you; be consistent with your actions, be transparent. That is all you can do - the rest is up to her. She may very well leave you - and if she does, that is her choice. That shouldn't stop you from working on you.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 6022 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem is that makes no sense. Even if you preztel it. Why on earth would you send someone you just spent the entire night with "how was your night?".

I'm not saying you sent it by mistake, just that it makes no sense. Things that make no sense don't fit...or fit only too well but not in a good way.

Then you follow it up with another ping. Overcompensation. Less is more. State facts and let it go. I'm not ever going to "convince" someone of the truth. I don't need to. It just is and it's up to them to either accept it or not.

Bottom line, do you want to live your life on mock trial with the jury already decided? Your past actions may have determined just that outcome for the two of you. Doesn't mean either of you have to live with that sentence.

Do your work. Fix yourself. Speak the truth and be transparent consistently. Let go of the outcome. It either will be enough for this relationship or it won't. It will always be enough for an honest healthy authentic future, so you have that.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

there was a bit of a delay because I was walking to our other building at work

You can't walk and text at the same time?

Because of our bad choices, we have a responsibility to weigh our words carefully. ICR to saying something insensitive to ones BS. But, "How was your night?" Really?!

Worst case: you're a lying sack of shit who's trying to cover his tracks. You have a Tracfone and accidentally used your iPhone instead of it, and texted the wrong woman. During your "long walk" you called your AP from said Tracfone and maybe even asked her for advice on how to spin this with BGF.

Best case: you chose your words poorly. What you meant to say was, "Even though we just talked 12 minutes ago, I miss you. Hey I'm sorry, I didn't ask how YOU slept. How was your night?"


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speak the truth and be transparent consistently. Let go of the outcome. It either will be enough for this relationship or it won't. It will always be enough for an honest healthy authentic future, so you have that.

I SO WISH people would get this. They become their own spin doctors when in reality, they're spinning a life away from being healthy...
I'm not say this to you, OP, in particular, but how hard is it to man up? You either have integrity or you don't.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5486 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can walk and text at the same time. That's when I sent the second one. The first one was when I was standing still in the shop then i pushed send then I navigated a shop with stuff(tools, scrap metal, machines) on the floor then got out of the building and sent the second one while walking to the other building.

I guess I have to sit here and wait. But like a trial you are gonna consistently say you didn't do anything wrong. Not say it once and be like "that's it I'm done saying anything about it you just have to believe me"(say it too much and you are guilty, dont say it at all or too little and you are guilty) so of course I'm gonna say I didn't do anything wrong multiple times. And give whatever evidence I have to support my claim. She can rule guilty or not guilty... Of course I hope it's the second option.


Me: SAWBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Devil's Advocate here.

So...apparently nobody here has never, ever texted their SO and asked, "How was your night?"?

I've talked to QS for a freaking hour on the phone, we've hung up, and both of us has texted the same thing. "How was your night?" He always asks me because he knows I have frequent nightmares. I always him because I know he gets hot flashes or wakes up randomly at 3am. I guess we're weird for asking how each other slept. Who knew?

Maybe the original poster doesn't have the most eloquent approach. My husband is like a bull in a china shop. Cannot wax eloquent to save his soul. Doesn't mean he doesn't have good intentions.

If a WS was a train wreck with conversation before an A, guaranteed they aren't going to turn into Shakespeare after the A.

As a WS fresh out from Dday, there were times when I said and did things that in hindsight, were pretty stupid or maybe didn't "look right". Didn't mean that I was still cheating. Didn't mean my heart wasn't in the right place. I lacked eloquence or sensitivity.

nogoodap, everything we do is going to be questioned. We can say the sky is blue (because it is right?) but because we lied during the A, our BS is sitting there looking at us like we're idiots, then walks out to verify we're being honest.

I don't know if you're still cheating or if you just asked a "dumb question" as some people have put it. Keep working. Keep being honest, keep being consistent, keep being proactive. At the end of the day, your best is all you can do. And she can decide whether she wants to take it or leave it. Whatever she chooses, either way, you will be a better, more authentic person.

Good luck.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6423 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was a dumb question... And I don't ever want to cheat again. I can't believe who I was. I guess you do something every day that teaches you something. Sometimes good sometimes bad.


Me: SAWBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2013
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take a polygraph . She needs to see proof.

I mean, really, either you are completely clueless about how to text or lying. The story doesn't add up.

Prove it.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for the OP---and everyone in this type of situation---because I understand how it's impossible to prove a negative and how, after being outed as a liar and a cheater, everything "out of the ordinary" or that gives off a strange vibe is forever suspect even if there is nothing going on. I also feel for the OP's BS (and every BS in this type of situation) as obviously feeling this way is certainly not her/their choice. There's no easy fix and no easy answer.

Uncertainone's approach appeals to me, however. State the facts, state the truth, and move on. Protesting too much, backpedaling, overcompensating...these things don't help and can do more harm than good. You can't prove a negative, as they say, and oftentimes (sad consequence of our choices as waywards) you can't prove the truth either.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 6:51 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014.


Posts: 2314 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Topic Posts: 22
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