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User Topic: Trigger Management 101
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the topics that seems to crop up here on the wayward side are "wayward specific triggers" (as opposed to the double whammy of triggers we gift our betrayed's: Us and our crap, and as if that isn't enough, our xAP's and those triggers, too!).

Whether it's WS triggering in early "coming out of the fog" mode. Or something I've been specifically experiencing lately - triggers that have occurred while my BS & I are in active "R mode". The bottom line is triggers are a real bitch for me. And dealing with them in a healthy way is obviously important to my recovery. They bother me. They linger like little sores that won't heal. And they provide a nice level of discomfort in an otherwise very positive feeling of being in the right place, with the right woman, for the right reasons. I'm a resenter, over-thinker, mind movie replaying, obsessive pattern thinking guy going way back. It's a gift! I don't want to overstate their current prevalance or power, as when I do trigger, I am making immediate and active "anti-trigger" actions that point me, my brain, my brain patterns, and my withdrawal from my "AP heroin" back toward healthy and healing. But I wish I could have a trigger-ectomy. And remove those "spinning my wheels" thought patterns.

I curse the stupidity and selfishness of my affair, and double curse the fact I conducted it "in my own backyard", if you will. All I can thank myself for is the fact my family and my xAP's family were completely unknown to eachother, and that won't change. But there are lots of potential sightings here, there and everywhere in our small little slice of suburbia. They have been thankfully few, and seeing my xAP slinking away when they occurred has been one small phyrric victory for me (she threw me well and truly under the bus - and I deserved the hell out of that what I now see was - via some blunt help here - an eye opening gift). But I've found one trigger I have is the possiblity of an actual trigger. In other words, the spectre of an impending trigger as I drive past x, y, or z. After DDay, I adjusted many of my patterns, and a big one was ending my membership at Gold's Gym, where xAP and I were both members, and where many trysts occurred or initiated. Then there's the stores, parks (trysts), her house (trysts), her car (trysts), etc. So every day, just heading out for the mail or a coffee, I'm going through a potential trigger minefield.

Reading the threads here on the Betrayed as well as Wayward side has a lot of great information on triggers, and dealing with them. And in my quest for healing and growth, I thought I'd throw out a thread where perhaps Waywards could chime in with their best trigger defeating techniques. I'm also interested in any Betrayed's who have seen their Wayward's triggering, and how they have helped or what they've seen their Waywards do in order to get past a triggering moment.

I'm trying to be more proactive in my healing, and my BW says it shows, big time. That feels great. But I feel my toolbox could use a few more tools. And asking for help is not my strong suit. But this place is a fountain of help and caring. And experience. So I thought I'd throw this out there. I'm so happy to have what is an active R in process...just the opportunity makes me feel so lucky. I wish I had half the guts of my BW, who has not only forgiven me, but has somehow controlled her triggering by simple acknowledgement, then replacement with the only thing she feels matters: a focus on the part of her and us that builds on who we are today, and who we can become tomorrow. Her love for me has never wavered, even in the face of profound betrayal, and I am coming to understand, for the first time in my life, the power of true love. I had it all along, from the moment she walked into my life, and was too selfish, vain, and stupid to realize it.

Betrayed's responses welcome. And Wayward wisdom appreciated.

Trigger Management For Waywards 101. Anyone?

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 8:38 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Disclaimer: Under the influence of cold meds. Take all advice with a grain or two of salt.

Umm, not really what you want to hear, but...time.

Biggest triggers for me are Craigslist, a specific genre of music which unfortunately is played in my favorite store, and pale, blonde haired, green eyed, tall, skinny guys. (no offense to anyone reading here who fits that description) There's other triggers but I'll spare everyone.

I would trigger and absolutely spiral. Someone here told me to get a freaking grip, woman up, and deal. That kinda helped out.

When I trigger, instead of wallowing in the crap, I force my mind onto what I've changed about myself, the last conversation with QS, create a grocery list, find a new project on Pinterest, and repeat over and over, "I'm not that girl anymore. I've grown, I've changed." Sounds insane, but eventually, I started really seeing and acknowledging the changes. It helped to bring me out of the pit of despair.

The triggers are fewer and father between.

Example:
I shop schoolbooks with my brother every semester. He doesn't need my help, but it's our tradition. Anyway, one of the guys at the book brokers is creepily similar to my AP. The first couple semesters, I would be all in the hype of a new school season and forget about the dude till I walked into the store. Then I'd see him, the "duh!" light would go off, and I would feel sick, start shaking, and force my happy face, absolutely dying inside the whole time. "How could I be so stupid? Why did I do that? I'm such an idiot!"

Went to the brokers yesterday. Guess who walked directly up to my brother and I? I felt...nothing. The only thought was, "Ewww. I obviously was in Unicorn Land." and went on to order books. Might not seem like a big deal to some people, but it was huge for me. It just felt, "whatever". And that was pretty cool.

It's a time thing.

You mentioned the routes you take. Is there another way you can go? Can you maybe try a new coffee shop in the other direction? Check the mail in the evening after dinner instead of in the morning. Look at your schedule and see if you can change your daily patterns. Rearrange them a bit. See if that helps.

I'm emotional and very expressive. It's very hard for my to conceal anything for any length of time. My husband can usually sense something is wrong with me. Previously, he would push and nag till I would finally blow, "I'M TRYING NOT TO FREAKING MELT DOWN ABOUT THE FACT I FREAKING BLEW UP OUR LIVES. BAD DREAM ABOUT AP, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW? TRIGGER MAN. BACK. OFF." I mean, not really conducive to R, know what I mean?

I have been working on slowing down, thinking things thru, and then talking. It's a new pattern for me. And I find it works. Let me do my thing and don't push. In a calm moment, we talked about it and he understands what I'm trying to do. So now he'll ask and I'll answer accordingly. "Triggering. Let me process." or "Warning - verbal vomit. Here goes..."

He on the other hand, can completely hide from me and I'll have no clue his world is crashing down around him. Drives me nuts and I feel like an absolute heel when he tells me 2 months later how crappy he feels, but I'm trying to learn to accept that's his thing, just like I have my thing.

Ok, I'm done. Hope it helps or makes sense. Now FRM or UO will come in and say something mind blowing in like 4 sentences. Cause that's how we roll around here.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6126 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
stilllovinghim
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Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a great time for compartmentalization, IMHO.

Until you can start moving past the trigger points and you are unable to avoid the possibility of driving past a certain place or the thought of "what if's" consuming you. Compartmentalize.

When you recognize triggers, are doing everything you can to avoid them but start making yourself crazy at the possibility of them, this is too much damn stress. Clearly you're doing everything right as a FWS so that's why I'm telling you this.

Its kinda like "fake it till you make it". Put it away, think of something else every time a worry pops in and keep doing that till you can actually drive through an intersection or past a certain landmark without worry.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 2:00 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
ShockedErica11
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Member # 37550
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a great time for compartmentalization, IMHO.
Until you can start moving past the trigger points and you are unable to avoid the possibility of driving past a certain place or the thought of "what if's" consuming you. Compartmentalize.

When you recognize triggers, are doing everything you can to avoid them but start making yourself crazy at the possibility of them, this is too much damn stress. Clearly you're doing everything right as a FWS so that's why I'm telling you this.

Its kinda like "fake it till you make it". Put it away, think of something else every time a worry pops in and keep doing that till you can actually drive through an intersection or past a certain landmark without worry.

I respectfully disagree, only because compartmentalization is what partially caused the A for many WSs, in that they detached themselves from the real problems, feelings, emotions that they were having and didn't deal with them at all.

Yes, the feelings and triggers will make you crazy; I trigger when I see a car that looks like zOM's and I duck away to make sure it's not his. I stay away from parts of town where I suspect xOM maybe. Do I know where those are exactly? No, but as xOM was my ex-, I still have a pretty good idea.

I attempt to think about other things; I call or text Taurus517; I get on SI.

I have racing thoughts a lot so all I really have to do is glance out the window and I'm immediately thinking about birds, trees, why I haven't seen a cirrus cloud in a while...

In this instance, as people say on here, you have to own the emotions, own the actions that you took, own that this IS reality and don't run from it, don't put it away because who knows when you'll actually have the courage to deal with it. Deal with it then if it's possible. If your BS is open to it, contact your BS and talk it out with them. Write it down, all your feelings. Review them. Ask yourself why you're triggering; begin the process of owning your mistakes and putting in place methods to not make those mistakes again by not forgetting what got you to a place that you have to trigger.

And like a previous poster said: time.

Hope this helped.


Him (31): Taurus517 (17 mon EA/PA); others
Me (27): 3mo EA/PA (kissed once)
One too many D-days
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SE,
I understand your POV, however, EVERYONE compartmetalizes. I know blanket statements and generalizations are a no-no but I think there's a few exceptions and this being one of them.

I'm talking about taking something that you can naturally do without the help of drugs or doctors. I'm speaking to a "healthy" FWS here. I wouldn't tell just "anyone" to do this.

To help prevent the crazy-making, to help this guy, JD, be able to function. To help JD to be able to move past the fears of what-ifs. That shit can hold you back in a major way. I hope I'm getting my point across here.

Yes, time helps. I agree. However, in order for a lot of folks to live "normal" lives they need more than just time in their tool box, kwim?

Eta: SE, what you're describing when you get your mind off of a trigger by lookingat or thinking about something else, that IS compartmentalizing.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 3:34 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
EvolvingSoul
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Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Triggers evolve, I think. Or I guess my responses to at least some of them have evolved. I think it is because I am reframing the events I associate with a given trigger as my brain is getting slowly rewired. That's why, as Aubrie said, it takes time. Here is an example from my personal experience.

There is a particular song that I associate strongly with the last trip I took with AP. It is a song about saying goodbye and I heard it a lot during that trip, which occurred shortly before D-day.
Shortly after D-day, that song would have sent me into hysterical crying had I heard it. I was in hard withdrawal.

I avoided hearing the song for a long time. At first because it triggered such raw emotion and then later because the memory of hearing it on that trip raised intrusive thoughts of tragic endings to star-crossed impossible relationships, soulmates, bad timing, all that crap. Even when I knew that those were not correct feelings to associate with AP (or reality in general), I was still disentangling the feelings I had while in the affair from AP as a person. So, yeah, I avoided that song. Thumbs downed it on Pandora, switched the station on the radio, etc. Never shared that it was a trigger, either. Until today.

So this morning I'm doing coffee and piano lounge music on Pandora and the piano lounge version of this song comes on. (I guess all good songs go to piano lounges and elevators to die!) And in an either courageous or insane or possibly both moment of self research, I let it play. And you know what? My response now is that I messed up being able to enjoy a perfectly good song by associating it with some really disgusting behaviors that I really regret. I don't mourn the loss of that relationship at all now, and so the song does not trigger the emotions that go with mourning. Nowadays I'm working through disgust and it triggers that.

I don't think of this as "taking back" the song. I don't think I will ever enjoy listening to that song again. It's an unfortunate but natural consequence of my choices. But I do feel my response to the song has become more reality based and how it has evolved is a positive indication of my developing emotional maturity.

I shared this with my BS this morning and it was a very welcome thing for him to hear.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 274 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@aubrie:
Umm, not really what you want to hear, but...time.

A good reminder for someone who sometimes feels instant gratification is too damn slow!

When I trigger, instead of wallowing in the crap, I force my mind onto what I've changed about myself
I have been doing this more reliably, and it does work. My cell phone also has a recent family pic on it, and with just a press of the power button we appear, smiling, and Summery, happy and REAL, a few weeks ago. A glance at that is very powerful.

@stillloving & shocked: I get where you both are coming from, and how if I look at compartmentalization as capable of being one thing for "unhealthy me" and another thing entirely for "healthy me" it does make sense. Compartmentalization can have two very different meanings and functions, either negative or positive.

I do accept my reality, and the messes I created for me, my wife, our marriage, and our family. And I have been making trigger related reach outs to my BW via calls, text, in person, and, yes, coming here. My BW is open to any contact from me regarding anything. And I feel lucky in that respect. When I contact my BW if triggering, even just to tell her what she means to me, and that I'm struggling, I've found she is just SO there for me...even if my doing so likely creates a little pang or trigger-ette for her (she's much tougher, stronger, and mature than me). I think of that as a good thing...going to her...because that's who I SHOULD be going to when I am feeling down, hurt, ashamed, sad...or happy, excited...as she IS my life mate, my love, my wife. Another topic is the self loathing I feel for pretending another broken pretender could even begin to scratch at the surface of that kind of love and depth in my life, with me. So, by trusting I can share triggers and everything else with my wife, I am learning how to also be there for her when she needs me - because I'm seeing a healthy playbook, and seeing it in action. I haven't exactly been the rock of Gibraltar for her, but I am shoring up my rotten, sandy foundations so she will trust I'll be there when she needs me. I've had some good, positive moments of doing just that, and it feels so damn good.

@Stillloving:

I'm talking about taking something that you can naturally do without the help of drugs or doctors. I'm speaking to a "healthy" FWS here. I wouldn't tell just "anyone" to do this.

To help prevent the crazy-making, to help this guy, JD, be able to function. To help JD to be able to move past the fears of what-ifs. That shit can hold you back in a major way. I hope I'm getting my point across here.

Like that. And point taken by JD here.

@Evolving:

Triggers evolve, I think. Or I guess my responses to at least some of them have evolved. I think it is because I am reframing the events I associate with a given trigger as my brain is getting slowly rewired. That's why, as Aubrie said, it takes time.

LIke how you word that and how it ties in, and your anecdote. I have always "used" music to create emotions, moods, elation, or melancholy, and "sonic triggers" are huge. Early on her on SI I read the "Withdrawal from AP" post, and that had a section regarding music and triggers. So I SO get that one.

I do hate that the trail of slime my affair left reached into people, places, and things, some near and dear. And the dealing with that dirty, tainted slime is not as simple as spritzing with clorox. I wish.

Thanks for the responses so far, and of course eager to read any additional ones. SI rocks!


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
TrulySad
♀ Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a BGF here, and I've never seen my WBF trigger over things that reminded him of "good times" regarding his betrayals. What I see are things that trigger fear in him, things that make him worry for my end. I hate seeing him walk with me, always on alert for something that might upset me.

On one hand, I'm glad he's worried and concerned for my emotions. On the other hand, I miss the days where our lives were just about us living, enjoying each other.

All I can say, from a BGF's point of view... when you pass something that reminds you of the time spent with this other person, keep telling yourself "Every time I think about the affair, about that person, I'm giving THEM a part of my day. Giving them a part of the life I'm living today". I know I don't want them to have a place ANYWHERE in my life. So I push it away.

Easier said, than done... but with time, it improves.


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Jun 2013
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 4:17 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JD, you're trying really hard and this is obvious. You're extremely aware of your thoughts and behaviour patterns. One thing I often get from your posts is a bitterness about how the A ended, albeit a relief that it did.

Like you, I'm a thinker and an over-analyser. Also, like you I was well and truly thrown under the bus. Do you think that the way it ended; the rejection; the "fuck you, you never meant anything to me anyway" is an added dimension to healing and dealing with triggers? Almost like every time you trigger, it's not only a reminder of your shortcomings to your wife and your marriage but also to the extreme rejection you felt at that time?

Kind of like, the triggers take you back to THAT emotion (and from what everyone is posting, TIME is the only thing that will lessen the association between things like songs and emotions)

I only say all this because I can relate to a lot of it..


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@trulysad:
keep telling yourself "Every time I think about the affair, about that person, I'm giving THEM a part of my day. Giving them a part of the life I'm living today". I know I don't want them to have a place ANYWHERE in my life.

This is so true, and is one of those things I "get" theoretically and which works wonderfully in a "controlled lab environment". But it has been much easier said than done applying it to those trigger moments "in the field". I am practicing actively identifying when xAP has appeared, unwelcome, and not just banishing her to leave a vacuum in her wake, but then actively filling the void with healthy thoughts of the people in my life who are real, who I love (spelled l-o-v-e, not l-u-u-r-v-v), and who are counting on me to be making healthy choices.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Trying:

Do you think that the way it ended; the rejection; the "fuck you, you never meant anything to me anyway" is an added dimension to healing and dealing with triggers? Almost like every time you trigger, it's not only a reminder of your shortcomings to your wife and your marriage but also to the extreme rejection you felt at that time?

Nail...meet head.

Your read is spot on. I do struggle with the rejection. And the withdrawal from my "luurvv heroin". I gave my damaged little poison princess a piece of my damaged, selfish, delusional heart, and that wasn't enough. How could there possibly be any OTHER cheating, damaged men out there better than me for her to choose? And how can all the deep, magical, words and earth-shattering connection we shared have meant so little to one of us? Did I get in deep? Yup. Was any of it real? Nope (probably the most real thing was the fucking. And that was just two animals doing what animals can do...bravo! And, in an ironic twist, my BW is sexier, hotter, more sexually creative, and just plain WAAYYY better in the sack than my little $39.99 blow up doll. I just gotta laugh...at me!).

I have realized just how poison and damaged xAP is, and I am thankful that the fog has lifted to allow that realization. But pride, ego, grandiosity, etc. do make ACCEPTANCE of that realization more difficult, and fleeting. I get it and live it one day. Then it's elusive the next. And that is frustrating. And that is where, as Aubrie and you and others have sagely suggested, time does factor in.

It just bothers me that while I am in such a lovely R with my true princess, that this impostor which I created finds its way into my head. A good thing is that when she does invade, it isn't with some kind of recollection of the "magic" we shared. It is with a loathing for her, and my unhealthy self...the dynamic damaged duo...that allowed such a ugly, selfish fantasy construct to even exist.

This will take time. I sort of smugly thought the estimates here on SI of 2-5 years for R were from people who didn't know how to go to 5th gear and "get healed" like, you know, now. But I am now pretty sure that there's a good basis for that timeframe, borne of the experience here on SI which I am so appreciative of having available.

I don't want to paint a picture of abject misery or a tormented soul and mind which is afraid of every corner and shadow where a trigger might lurk. But I do need to be honest about what is bothering me, and how I am trying to cope, heal, and make healthy choices.

My xAP has made her choices. Her life is hers. And she has nothing whatsoever to do with mine. I just wish she lived in LA!

Appreciate the insights, all of them, and it's good to not feel so alone.

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A good thing is that when she does invade, it isn't with some kind of recollection of the "magic" we shared. It is with a loathing for her

I think the stage we're all trying to reach is the indifferent stage. No love, no hate, just who gives a fuck about her/him.

Loathing would suggest there are still feelings attached, even if they are of the negative kind.

When I trigger, I have a whole host of issues; it's so hard sometimes.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The path to indifference doesn't have any shortcuts, does it? I get to do the work, keep doing the work, and when I least expect it I'll probably wake up and realize...hmmm...what's different here? And it will be indifference. In the meantime, guess I've got that whole 2-5 year thingy to accept. Hey, my JustDesserts.

Feelings-wise, I have always felt very deeply, intensely, and some of what drugs and alcohol provided me was a way to self-medicate those emotional highs and lows. Add in my proclivity to resent (which translates as a word to "feel again") and I'm just a perfect little storm of "this is gonna be hard to let go and move on from". That's my wiring, and has been from...birth.

I am working toward that indifference, and I will find it. Time is going to be my friend, not my nemesis, because every day I get to wake up and experience my real life, as a struggling to heal WH, and treat that as a gift. And I have an amazing spouse who supports me in that struggle.

The moments when my face is pressed up against the glass...not fun. They are less and less, and their intensity is diminishing. Tick tock, goes the recovery/healing clock...


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am working toward that indifference, and I will find it

You and me both. But like with R, this is also a rollercoaster. Some days it feels like indifference has arrived. Then there are days where I trigger and the only word I can find to describe how I feel is sad.

Perhaps you say

"this is gonna be hard to let go and move on from"

because it gives adage to how momentous it was. After all, if something's easy to get over, maybe it wasn't worth it.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
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Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Add in my proclivity to resent (which translates as a word to "feel again")

I like the quote resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

It truly is poisonous. It takes time and work but it can be let go.

Indifference is a great place to get to, when you get there. Don't try to force it!


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@trying - Thanks. I'm glad I'm not alone. And regarding momentous, the problem is I built this momentous fantasy construct around this decidedly unmomentous woman. Reality suggests getting over should be easy. My brain, my delusions, my fantasy, projections, escapism, and selfishness and the whole works have shown me just how tough separating fact from fiction...in my brain...is. This place has been incredible as a source of reality, which holds up a cold, hard mirror to fantasy and delusion, which I had bought into, solely and selfishly self-induced, hook, line, and sinker.

One of the responses to my first post was by MoreWould who wrote:

You've got this whole thing tied up in a such a tight ball it's even hard for you to find a loose string to pull on, but unravel it you must.

And I'm beginning to understand some of what he was observing (and he went on to say he felt there was a hand grenade waiting for me in the center - I hope not!). The good thing is I am holding that damn ball, and I am slowly unraveling those threads. I guess that's the work that recovery involves. I am trying to do it, and doing it feels really good. I was always a "go big or go home" kind of guy, with an active imagination and fantasy life, and I guess with regard to my affair that pretty well sums it up. I must be some kind of twisted, warped love child of Evil Knievel and Walter Mitty.


@broevil:

I have heard this one, and sort of forgot it.

I like the quote resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Simple, brilliant, logical, and...so much damn easier in theory than practice.

Time, practice, patience...and not wanting results yesterday...are all things I am striving for. I'm not doing anything perfectly here, but I am trying to be perfectly humble and ask for help. There hasn't been a single time here on SI where the help I've needed hasn't come. Your suggestion to not force it is a good one. It made me think that the opposite of forcing something is finding acceptance and having faith...with no agenda other than "this is where I am, and where I am supposed to be".

Appreciating all the insights here. I know my authentic me and my authentic life are in process. Early, but just that is amazing!

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Topic Posts: 16

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