inappropriate behavior from a man.
Iíve spent so much time thinking about what is wrong with HIM. What HE did to me, to us, to his unborn child (now 6 months old).
I think the hardest lesson Iíve had to learn in this whole thing is that the person I cannot trustÖthe person I relied on to make good choicesÖthe person who I thought had it all under controlÖ.didnít. That person is ME.
Iíve spent so long looking at HIM and now I can see that in many ways, it was me from the beginning.
I watched this rerun from Iyanla Fix My Life with a C-list celebrity from Basketball wives. As the story goes, she was married to Chad Ochocinco and then shortly after the wedding she found evidence of his cheating and he became physically violent with her. I found this episode and the work that Iyanla does with Evelyn to be very powerful. Even though my WS never laid a hand on me, he was emotionally abusive and I just never saw it (or saw it and chose to ignore it). I could relate to her story on so many levels even though on paper we donít have that much in common.
I really didnít have cause to think my WS was cheating on me before his distance/coldness as a result of his AÖbut I knew way before that something was wrong in our relationship. I knew this before the A. I just let a lot of things happen that didnít feel right to me. I grew up in a house with an alcoholic, so his behavior wasnít that far off from what I had grown up with. I always figured that if he came home to me then he wasnít doing anything wrong. If he stopped for happy hour on the way home from work, I felt that was ok. This was normal. But he would never tell me where he was going after work, or who he was with, or what time he actually got off work. I kept telling him, itís not the happy hour that Iím mad about, itís the fact that you donít communicate with me about where you are going and what you are doing. I just wanted to know where he was. I just wanted a heads up. It was almost as if the more I wanted to know where he was or what he was doing, the more he would ignore me and keep me in the dark.
This was WRONG. I allowed so much. I put up with so much. His actual A happened out of town on business, but it was all of those allowances and lies that helped build the foundation for the A. I told him how to treat me. I rolled out the red carpet for his dismissal of me. I didnít stand up for myself and when I would try to, he would just ignore me or turn it around as if I were a nag or always starting fights.
When it comes right down to it, I feel like I thought I deserved that behavior from a spouse. I have always had feelings of low self-esteem and low self worth, even though I donít outwardly show it. I come off as very confident, and in many ways I am, but Iíve never felt good enough. I donít know where these feelings started, but Iíve always been this way. In my house growing up they just called me ďsensitive.Ē But I always wanted people to like me so I was affable, a people pleaser, and would rarely say ďno.Ē I even bribed friends in elementary school to be my friend. I guess Iíve never thought I was good enough to know or love.
This is so opposite of the person I am socially. Iím the usually the center of whatever group Iím in. At work, in my family, with my friendsÖpeople like me, think Iím funny and worthwhileÖso where does this come from? And where do I go from here?