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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I accepted, tolerated, and accomodated....
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

inappropriate behavior from a man.

Iíve spent so much time thinking about what is wrong with HIM. What HE did to me, to us, to his unborn child (now 6 months old).

I think the hardest lesson Iíve had to learn in this whole thing is that the person I cannot trustÖthe person I relied on to make good choicesÖthe person who I thought had it all under controlÖ.didnít. That person is ME.

Iíve spent so long looking at HIM and now I can see that in many ways, it was me from the beginning.

I watched this rerun from Iyanla Fix My Life with a C-list celebrity from Basketball wives. As the story goes, she was married to Chad Ochocinco and then shortly after the wedding she found evidence of his cheating and he became physically violent with her. I found this episode and the work that Iyanla does with Evelyn to be very powerful. Even though my WS never laid a hand on me, he was emotionally abusive and I just never saw it (or saw it and chose to ignore it). I could relate to her story on so many levels even though on paper we donít have that much in common.

I really didnít have cause to think my WS was cheating on me before his distance/coldness as a result of his AÖbut I knew way before that something was wrong in our relationship. I knew this before the A. I just let a lot of things happen that didnít feel right to me. I grew up in a house with an alcoholic, so his behavior wasnít that far off from what I had grown up with. I always figured that if he came home to me then he wasnít doing anything wrong. If he stopped for happy hour on the way home from work, I felt that was ok. This was normal. But he would never tell me where he was going after work, or who he was with, or what time he actually got off work. I kept telling him, itís not the happy hour that Iím mad about, itís the fact that you donít communicate with me about where you are going and what you are doing. I just wanted to know where he was. I just wanted a heads up. It was almost as if the more I wanted to know where he was or what he was doing, the more he would ignore me and keep me in the dark.

This was WRONG. I allowed so much. I put up with so much. His actual A happened out of town on business, but it was all of those allowances and lies that helped build the foundation for the A. I told him how to treat me. I rolled out the red carpet for his dismissal of me. I didnít stand up for myself and when I would try to, he would just ignore me or turn it around as if I were a nag or always starting fights.

When it comes right down to it, I feel like I thought I deserved that behavior from a spouse. I have always had feelings of low self-esteem and low self worth, even though I donít outwardly show it. I come off as very confident, and in many ways I am, but Iíve never felt good enough. I donít know where these feelings started, but Iíve always been this way. In my house growing up they just called me ďsensitive.Ē But I always wanted people to like me so I was affable, a people pleaser, and would rarely say ďno.Ē I even bribed friends in elementary school to be my friend. I guess Iíve never thought I was good enough to know or love.

This is so opposite of the person I am socially. Iím the usually the center of whatever group Iím in. At work, in my family, with my friendsÖpeople like me, think Iím funny and worthwhileÖso where does this come from? And where do I go from here?


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 36
10 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!!
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 313 | Registered: Apr 2013
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it you accepted, tolerated, and accommodated or did you just trust him ? Remember hindsight is always 20/20.

He's a broken person with no values concerning marriage.
That has nothing to do with you.

Self esteem takes a major hit and even more so when we already had it before dday. I'm working hard that one myself.

I've never thought I was good enough to know or love
And that is exactly what you, me, and others are going to be working on to overcome.

Best part we aren't alone ! There are many of us with the same problem.
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20275 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is a sign of healing. Recognizing that you valued yourself "less" and accepted, tolerated, and accommodated his behaviors will make it less likely to happen again in the future.

I told him how to treat me. I rolled out the red carpet for his dismissal of me. I didnít stand up for myself and when I would try to, he would just ignore me or turn it around as if I were a nag or always starting fights.

I understand that!!

Forgive yourself. Learn from it but forgive yourself. Because a part of that behavior is kindness, forgiveness, and generosity. You don't want to lose those qualities, just invest them in a better person, including yourself and your child.

(((hugs)))


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You asked "Where do I go from here?" The fact that you gained insight about yourself is incredible. You will continue to learn so much about yourself, the great and the bad, which will make you a better YOU.

When we are in an unhealthy relationship, sometimes we don't see it because it is our "normal". That is what it was like for me. It wasn't until he left that I really saw how unhealthy our marriage was and how I didn't do anything about it because I felt I didn't deserve better or was worthy of better.

We learn from our past; we learn from our mistakes; we grow and develop from it. This will lead you to a healthier future.

You are doing it, NewMom0220!! Continue to process all those emotions and issues so that it doesn't trip you up in the future!!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
I FINALLY GOT A COURT DATE: 5/29/14!!

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Oct 2012
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When we are in an unhealthy relationship, sometimes we don't see it because it is our "normal". That is what it was like for me. It wasn't until he left that I really saw how unhealthy our marriage was and how I didn't do anything about it because I felt I didn't deserve better or was worthy of better.

I can totally relate to this. Taking the time to see what happened, explore why it happened and what our roles were in the dynamics of a relationship with a broken person is a huge step forward. But it's definitely a painful process.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so opposite of the person I am socially. Iím the usually the center of whatever group Iím in. At work, in my family, with my friendsÖpeople like me, think Iím funny and worthwhileÖso where does this come from? And where do I go from here?

I am also an ACOA and while reeling from WH's A is when I actually realized that for the first time. I was the "scapegoat" in my family. I turned into a monster. Not because I wanted to (well eventually I did but not at first) but it was my JOB to do this. Of course I took it way too many steps past that, for 24 years after I moved out. Point being - who I project is VERY different from who I am in many ways. I have learned to label these two sides the China Doll and the Tiger. The China Doll is who I am at heart. I am a marshmallow and a big softie. Outwardly though - i am a badass tiger. Really the Tiger just protects the China Doll. If I had opened my eyes to the FULL man I married, the Tiger would never have been needed - the China Doll would have RAN for cover. But alas - *I* chose to ignore it everytime he showed me who he was. I often get *VERY* angry at myself for allowing the crap I have allowed.

edited because I forgot what spellcheck is...

[This message edited by sodamnlost at 9:07 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When we are in an unhealthy relationship, sometimes we don't see it because it is our "normal". That is what it was like for me. It wasn't until he left that I really saw how unhealthy our marriage was and how I didn't do anything about it because I felt I didn't deserve better or was worthy of better.

^^THIS. The issue for me is I DID see it but ignored it by Gaslighting myself. It is a coping mechanism that I needed to survive my childhood - in adulthood it is/was toxic.

These are good lightbulbs to have going off - as painful as it is it is good to acknowledge them so we can start working on them.

When I tell people what was really going on for all these years they are surprised on two fronts. 1. That it had been going on for so long - they noticed it the last year or two but it has been around most of the time; and 2. That someone like me tolerated it even for a minute.

I think my strength worked against me - it wasn't a healthy strength, it was a shield one. I was so strong I was able to endure such unbelievable bullshit that it seriously boggles my mind. I wanted to believe his bullshit - I get that part. The part I can't work out is why did I ignore what I knew to be true from the very beginning.

I only looked at his potential and ignored what was really going on. I'm still working on forgiving myself for that.


Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Posts: 4565 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 7

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