Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SadnAlone (44234)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How to get WW to post? (Wayward perspective wanted)
Yakamishi
♂ Member
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any suggestions on how to get WW to post on SI?

I routinely will forward her a post I find that really relates to our struggle. I've encouraged her to read the Wayward forums. To seek out advice from others that have lived through the hell we are going through.

But she won't. Say's it's not her thing. She's been very comforting and responds to my hurts and fears. But that's the thing, she only "responds". Only reacts. She's not proactive and it makes me feel like she's only going along to get along.

How can I lead this horse to water?

Thoughts?


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a tough one. From what I have seen in most cases is that if a WS, or even a BS, for that matter, doesn't want to post, they usually don't.

Maybe if you are having a discussion about something that you want to go a bit more in depth upon you could make the suggestion of bringing the discussion to SI for further input?

Hoping you get some better ideas from anyone that has had success in this area.


Posts: 6168 | Registered: Dec 2010
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The wayward perspective... You can't make her do anything. You can only decide what you are willing to live with.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6073 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aside from SI, is she doing anything proactive regarding her recovery, and making herself safe for you? And you're sure she's not taken an affair underground?


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Clarrissa
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She may be under the impression she'll get flamed if she posts. Granted, we (former) waywards can be tough but it's to help get another back on the right track.

Has she read on here at all? If not, you could suggest she do that. Let her get a feel for how things are done around here.

[This message edited by Clarrissa at 8:31 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5858 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a condition of reconciliation , I told my WH he had to go to marriage counseling with me because I wanted the whole 9 yards, not a fake marriage. I am worth it. (He didn't go btw, we are D. But we would have gotten D without help if he had come back anyway).

I think stopping the affair is only the beginning with a WS.

I have seen it on this site is that each person needs to see an Indiv counselor but the MARRIAGE needs a counselor, too so it can be healed. This I think is what you are looking for. HER to work WITH you to heal your marriage. Go to MC w/o her. Then you can decide if you want her or not. She does seems to be just placating you. sorry. you deserve much better.

I just had a revelation. My WS did not want anyone in counseling (that would include this site) because he didn't want any other eyes on the situation because he was lying to me. Could this be the case with your WS?

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:45 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1959 | Registered: Jan 2012
Steppenwolf
♂ Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You do it the same way you would get a drunk to stop drinking, or an addict to stop using.


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
Yakamishi
♂ Member
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually its been pretty good. She's very open with her movements. Always keeps me informed. She's been very regretful AND remorseful. She comforts me and reassures me. We go to MC together and both see IC.

My problem lies in that its all "reactive". She does nothing to make change proactively. She reads posts i send her. She'll talk most of the time when i ask her to.

But it just seems like its always me driving the bus. If i didn't do the work, where would we be?


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If i didn't do the work, where would we be?

Only one way to find out, and I encourage you to find the answer to your question. If you stop doing all the work, your W may pick up her game almost automatically.
****************************

What will your W's posting get or do for you? Figure out the answer and go for what you want directly.

Do you have something in mind that you think she needs to post about? If so, that won't work very well. The posting has to come from her head, heart, or guts - not from yours.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9744 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If i didn't do the work, where would we be?

It's nice of you to do all the work. My H never did any work for me.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6073 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
cinnamongurl
♀ Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe bring it up in MC? Let her know how important it is to you and that you would like for her to give it a shot? I know that for a long time, I was afraid of posting in a forum, any forum. Especially after reading here for a while. I was overwhelmed by the amount of pain and anguish I read about, and was still so deep in my denial that it took some time to open up.

Just let her know how important it is to you and your marriage. She may not realize how much it would mean to you.

[This message edited by cinnamongurl at 10:55 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 17 yrs. "You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
Kurt Vonnegut



Posts: 502 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But she won't. Say's it's not her thing

Then don't push her. My FWW does not like SI and R worked out fine for us.

She's been very comforting and responds to my hurts and fears. But that's the thing, she only "responds".

IMO, that is good enough. If she is a truly remorseful WS, then she is dealing with her own guilt as well. I understand how important it is for the BS to heal, but we can't forget about the struggles that are going on with our WS's. If a WS is not struggling with guilt, then something is really wrong.

Try to find a balance between her need to move on and your need to heal from the affair. R takes a lot of patience, understanding and time. As long as things seem to be moving in the right direction, then go with it.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5622 | Registered: Aug 2007
1ost0ne
♂ Member
Member # 40202
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW started to post on here but started to become very defensive of the advice of her peers. The thread and tone of the Wayward Spouses forum is much different than JFO. After gauging our reaction to the site, our MC suggested that she stay away from posting on SI.

I think she only brings the site now so she can read what I post (hi WW ).


“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou

Posts: 83 | Registered: Aug 2013
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second Steppenwolf.

Stop doing the work. Detach. Heal thyself.

If she wants the M, she'll step up. If she doesn't...you decide what kind of life you want and act accordingly.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
BW2639
♂ Member
Member # 34875
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWW will not post, nor read for that matter, anything on wayward thread much less general or JFO. She says she knows what a "terrible person she was" ....she doesn't need to read it too. Too painful for her to see I guess.
All I can say is "welcome to my world, it's painful every day "


married 21 yr
Reconciling

Posts: 172 | Registered: Feb 2012
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to drive the bus as well. The one day I handed over the keys. His turn.

Hand over the keys. She'll never start driving it until you get out of the seat.

And if she fails? Stop trying to control the outcome.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6299 | Registered: Jan 2011
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, this is a BS but I'd like to share my perspective on this.

I know posting on a forum would not be my H's "thing" either. He is not the type to sit down and a read a book, or read and write much on a discussion forum. I personally think it is wrong and not very realistic to expect someone to embrace a forum like this when it is clearly "not their thing."

The only person we can change is ourselves. When my H asked me for a chance to R, I decided since it was early Dec. I could give him until after the holidays; I expected him to fail but was also curious just to "see what he would do." I gave him no lists, few demands, no suggestions of this site.

He surpassed my expectations by far.

He told me he would do whatever I asked including MC. I tried to set up MC, but it took them two months to get back to us with an appointment date, and by then we were doing so well, I decided it would be a waste of time and money so we didn't do it.

He wore his remorse; it was extreme and obvious and drove him to think of ways on his own to fix this. Though I have never used the word "transparency" with him, it is as if he invented the concept himself. He gives me a little notebook with all his passwords to phone or computer sites. He tells me to check up on him any time, anywhere (and still does this 7 years later). He tells me I may search his car, the garage, wallet, anything I want, any time for the rest of our lives.

He has planned many special things for us with no prompting or hints from me, and it just shows how sorry he is, and how much he loves me. I believe we have to let the WS "drive their own bus" if they really want to R. And if they don't seem to be able to find a way to do that, then we have to decide what is a deal breaker, and consider the possibility of a D.


Posts: 5682 | Registered: Apr 2006
Topic Posts: 17

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.