The jacket has special meaning since the OW bought the same xpensive jacket for her daughter last December during our trip to NYC when I took the OW and our daughters to NYC for a show and an overnight stay to celebrate OWs 50th bday. At the time, I made a big deal about how impractical the jacket was because you can't wash or dry clean it. I had said how I'd never get my daughter one because it would be a waste and I can easily afford to " waste" money. I just thought it was so superficial to get this brand just because all the "it" girls had one.
Maybe I'm taking this the wrong way, but it's like she's giving me a message that's she doesn't care what I think and she's going to do what she wants anyway. am I overreacting or should I make a big deal about this?
A couple of thoughts. First, at 4 - 6 many of us start to get out of panic mode. The WS is behaving better, we feel safer, and this is when anger and resentment can begin to appear after being somewhat suppressed in the initial period after dday when feelings of fear of loss and questioning our responsibility for the A were more prevalent.
Second, if your DD is old enough to be off to school, I believe she knows or suspects more than you realize. I think that you can tell her that OW hurt your family, that she abused the trust that you had placed in her, and that you have broken off contact with OW. You do not need to provide details or explanations, but I think your DD is probably wise enough to put 2+2 together.
Being an authentic and honest Brokenhearted49 means not wearing a mask, and not pretending that a relationship or feelings are not what they really are just to spare someone else’s feelings. You should not require your DD to shun OW or OW’s DD, but you should be honest that OW hurt you and the family, and that you no longer want to be involved in OW’s life, nor her in yours.
I understand the jacket being a trigger. I would put a dark bag over it and hang it in the back of your DD’s closet. If it is untouched for a year, I would feel free to “clear it out” with other old items at some point. The jacket must not mean much for your DD as she left it when she went to school.
ETA: actually, it may be better if your FWH was the one to tell DD about OW hurting the family and wanting NC.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:29 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]
I am so sorry for all that you are going through and dealing with.
You are only 4 months from D-day, that is just a blink of the eye.
You are NOT regressing, you are just following your own path through this journey.
It is called the rollercoaster because you will have high times where you "feel" like you have come out the other side and that it might all be behind you, but then the dip comes and it can be long (but not always) and the cycle repeats and repeats until you are done (and truly I do not believe it is every fully DONE, but that is just my perspective and how I think, I am sure others as far out as I or further do experience DONENESS, so do not loose heart because of my perspective).
You have so many things to process. As you process things they will lead you to other things (kind of like a really morbid scavanger hunt), and on and on it goes, the processing brings understanding, healing, acceptance, but each thing has to be dealt with and it takes time. There can be lulls in the processing, some people take purposed breaks in the processing and choose to not go there for a while to be able to function in their daily lives, but it is still sitting there waiting to be dealt with (and I think some breaks are good, we all need time to just breathe and feel "normal")
Aside from processing, triggers will also come and those can really shake things up as you have found.
Dates can affect some of us as well.
Also, the better an R goes, the better the WS is at healing, and dealing with their "why", the safer a BS feels which also allows some of us to be able to process more because we are no longer in "WS focus mode" but now have the freedom to focus on us and our trama/wounds.
I just may have to learn to live with the fact that on her birthday and Christmas that she'll receive something from her.
or, if you and your FWH share with your DD that OW hurt your family and you are no longer involving her in your life, you might find that DD returns gifts from OW and goes NC with OW in allegience to her family. Not that you should expect this, but a distinct possibility I think.
...but I don't want my daughter to think she's been forgotten by her own Godmother.
I think your daughter was forgotten by OW, at least so far as she was a Goddaughter, the moment OW began having sex with the husband of her Goddaughter's mother.
I still regress some but seem able to pull myself out of it faster.
Just wanted to give you some hope that things can and will improve.
[This message edited by whattheh at 12:39 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]