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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How do you not take it personal?
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jealousy sucks. The only way I've been able to deal with it is to detach, to the point where I actually almost felt happy for him to have experienced such awesomeness with other women, you know, happy for him that he has good memories no matter where they're from... Yes, the detaching was that strong; it worked because I invalidated "us" totally to get to that point. And I'm not so sure it's healthy anymore. It was helping when he was less remorseful. But now that he's trying... I don't know. I don't know how to get back to "us", a healthy "us". Need to do something else.

OMG I have done this too. I don't have mind movies anymore or even think of MOW that often. Why does this happen?

Sorry if this is threadjack I've just never seen anyone else do this.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why does this happen?

I don't know. For me, it was painful to think of two "relationships" being legitimate at the same time. Part of it is how I grew up picturing romance; that's been turned on its head. Several months ago there was a thread here and some things that Dr. Glass wrote that hurt really bad about an affair as being a real relationship (a wrong one, but still a real one), and it seemed like they had a better grip on reality than I did. I resisted the idea until it became clear I was being childish.

I'm still not grown up. But it seems like trying to be happy for H is somehow accepting that his reality was legitimate with the other women. If I really care about him, shouldn't I be happy for him? For him it worked out fine, he has no regrets (though he apologized recently for one incident). He has good memories. He gets irritated at me for having anything to say about it, he's said it's none of my business. Still denies any of it was cheating (he claims he never crossed physical lines). I cannot argue with him or convince him reality is otherwise. So why not accept his reality as his? But then it makes me wonder - how DID he see our relationship? Cuz it clearly wasn't the same way as I did.

To protect my own feelings involves a certain amount of detachment, though. And since I'm still bitter, I delegitimized OUR relationship instead. It angers me that he acts like ours is legitimate when he was acting so outside of it. So I minimized our relationship, minimized the sense of "mine"/"ours", and it was easier to let go, to take the friend role in knowing about his escapades and hearing new incidents. Or maybe that's an illusion. It worked for a while. Now struggling.

What have been your experiences with this, CB?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3911 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should mention too... he himself had also delegitimized our relationship by finally admitting that he still "felt single" with other women. This was after months of questioning and a particular week of incidents with my cousin, who was visiting for a family wedding. I asked him to tell me, once and for all, his boundaries with other girls, and that was his answer, along with an apology. It gave me a sense of finality and I decided to accept that as my new reality - he felt and therefore acted single.

But now he's acting married, and he really means it, and I'm confused now. We do need to rebuild. But so much still hurts.

Anyway, sorry for t/j. Working through things here too, so good thread!


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3911 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
joeboo
♂ Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our fWS's can NOT take credit for our fidelity.
Touché, I like it!

Dont know if you went through the phase of noticing how women interact with you or not...but I did. I see just how much opportunity there is out there for BS to make the same dreadful, hurtful mistakes our fWS did....our coping mechanisms just did not allow that to be a viable option for how to deal with life.
Yes I did. And strangely enough I am noticing again. It gave me comfort to know that I still got it.

On the other hand, if it is the size of your dick or the color of your skin she is referring to, there isn’t anything you can do about that. She either needs to commit and find desire for you as you are, or you have to decide if you can be happy where everything is fine except your partner wishes you had a smaller dick, or were a different race.
The issue is an attribute over which I have no control, as well as characteristics I do not wish to possess. That is why I take it so personal. I can never be a martian with a little green wiener. So now she claims to have desire for me but I don’t trust it to be genuine based on past comments and actions. As far as me being happy….., well I have no desire to be intimate with her because now I am fixated on her apparent affinity for the little green man.


The only way I've been able to deal with it is to detach, to the point where I actually almost felt happy for him to have experienced such awesomeness with other women, you know, happy for him that he has good memories no matter where they're from... Yes, the detaching was that strong; it worked because I invalidated "us" totally to get to that point. And I'm not so sure it's healthy anymore. It was helping when he was less remorseful. But now that he's trying... I don't know. I don't know how to get back to "us", a healthy "us".
I can definitely relate. I have detached as much as I can without kicking her out of the house. I had to detach that much so I wasn’t blinded by my own emotions. I don’t necessarily have issues with her at the moment other than she is the one who betrayed me in a very personal way that I just cannot seem to get past. It is very difficult to want to be anything more than just friends with her. The reattachment is just not happening especially with intimacy (both physical and non-physical).

If you're not confident of your skills, you can, for example, ask your W about what touches she likes and when. Observe and respond. If you're really weak in an area you can strengthen other areas, or strengthen the area you're weak in.
We have done just about everything there is to do. I am quite confident that I have performed to the extent of my ability. Its not like there is a right or wrong, were just very different. I wish she would have mentioned something before we were married. She was cheating on me then too. I think there is definitely a component of sex appeal that I may not be meeting (see little green martian).

I wish I had the patience to learn a lot about Tantra, but I don't - maybe you do
Not so much. Thanks for the suggestion though.

I always thought positive self-talk was lying. It's not - the negative self-talk is the lie.
I hope I can always remember this.

But now he's acting married, and he really means it, and I'm confused now. We do need to rebuild. But so much still hurts.
Eerie similarities. My fww always acted promiscuous and sometimes it was painfully obvious she was attracted to someone else. Then she admitted that she acts different around guys when I am not around (not in a good way).


Thanks for all the replies. Much to think about.


Posts: 1214 | Registered: Feb 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...well I have no desire to be intimate with her because now I am fixated on her apparent affinity for the little green man.

joeboo,

After dday, FWW told me how her last OM's dick fit just right so that she had orgasms from penetration only, and that she really liked that. Since then, we have both come to understand that it was not his dick getting her off, but the situation. She loved the sense of control and power, winning him from his BS, and the sneaking around. She, at the time, took all this external crap and projected it onto his magic dick.

Don't know if this is the case with your FWW or not. FWIW, while I think we are doing OK, in my mind there are three people in bed when we have sex more often than just the 2 of us. I hope someday to get back to what I felt when she and I had sex (way) prior to dday, but I am not sure I ever will.


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4140 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and it seemed like they had a better grip on reality than I did. I resisted the idea until it became clear I was being childish.

OMG yes and in some ways I still do feel childish. MOW used that to her advantage too calling my exposure of their A as 'behaving like a teenager' It hurt so darn much to hear that from her.

I now have let myself believe that my WH enjoyed himself in the A. He was pleasured. They got along well and had music and their big meanie spouses in common. I have allowed myself to think my WH enjoyed sex with MOW even though he denies it. It's almost like you have said I have delegitimized our M. I feel more free and less of the heavy emotions and burdens but I will never reconnect with my WH the way I would like to or want to at this point. I guess I am happy with the staus quo at the moment.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
undonelife
♀ Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, the detaching was that strong; it worked because I invalidated "us" totally to get to that point. And I'm not so sure it's healthy anymore. It was helping when he was less remorseful. But now that he's trying... I don't know. I don't know how to get back to "us", a healthy "us". Need to do something else.

silverhopes. I totally understand this. My WH hurt me so bad not only w his affair but with words & actions for weeks after I discovered. I had to force myself to detach to survive. When he decided weeks later he wanted to R I had a had to reconnecting w him. I still do 6 months into R. It's scary to feel this way cause I don't know if I can reconnect in a healthy way with him. I still find myself very disgusted and angry.


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
ccw82
♀ Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me right now it's hard NOT to take it personally! Like Tred and a few others have said, he did this to ME and to US. He threw our family in the trash for his own selfish needs and wants, whether I was involved or not.

In the end, he knew is would hurt me, and yet he chose to do it anyway. So yes, I take it very personally!


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
joeboo
♂ Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As to the sex, I can't help but think that if you are still feeling this so strongly that your WW is not doing enough to allay your fears. It is natural for you to feel insecure after something like this and she should be doing everything in her power to make sure you feel otherwise.
Is she?

I don’t believe her answers. She claims her motivation was just attention, but it doesn’t match up well with what I have seen. Of course I am weary of anything that doesn’t sound as bad as I have made it out to be in my mind. I don’t want this to be a size debate but if she said bigger was better and that she liked it rough and sometimes dirty with more than one participant at a time, and then tells me that is not it anymore, it makes it tough to believe anything but the worse. I think that is where it got to be so personal. I don’t feel like she would have cheated on anyone, just anyone like me. She swears that I am enough, but once you let that cat out of the bag it is tough to get it back in there. That is what I mean by personal…., she wanted something I simply was not capable of giving. I am willing to talk about it even with a sex therapist, but she minimizes it as it were in shame and will not have an open discussion. I neither want nor need the perfect woman or wife. I just want an honest one.

That is the premise of the entire dilemma for me. I can’t not take it personal to the point that I feel like I cannot be intimate with her because of my own shame. I want to be intimate, but not under false pretenses. So, like silverhopes, I have detached to the point I cannot seem to re-engage a healthy “us”. The crazy thing is that everything else is starting to go well. She is doing everything she needs to do in spite of us not being intimate. Yet the thought of being intimate just feels so overwhelmingly humiliating to the point I would rather do without for eternity.


Posts: 1214 | Registered: Feb 2011
joeboo
♂ Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After dday, FWW told me how her last OM's dick fit just right so that she had orgasms from penetration only, and that she really liked that. Since then, we have both come to understand that it was not his dick getting her off, but the situation. She loved the sense of control and power, winning him from his BS, and the sneaking around. She, at the time, took all this external crap and projected it onto his magic dick.
I applaud that you were able to have dialog on that level. My fww won't seem to go there. I have tried so many times I have just given up. I guess there is a component of humiliation attached to her being able to do the things she has done, but is not capable of even talking about it with me.

Posts: 1214 | Registered: Feb 2011
joeboo
♂ Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I take being exposed to potential STD's very personally. Having my family exposed to potential acts of violence, emotional and physical loss, and monetary costs in the thousands directly affect me. It wasn't about me or our family. We were never considered. We just happened to be in the intersection when the texting driver blew through the red light. It wasn't about us, but boy did it affect us.
I certainly get what you are saying, but I think I was looking more at the why’s and the aftermath that prevent R. Now that the things you mentioned are no longer a threat to me, I can work my way past it. I do appreciate the response because it helps to see that I have worked my way through quite a few things in the last couple of years.

It was ALWAYS about me, whether she wanted to acknowledge that or not. When you get married and create a family, "I" goes out the window. Everything you do is about "We." It affects all of us.
It was very difficult to disassociate myself from her actions. I guess that is a new twist on my perception to what had happened. This wasn’t just her life, this was our life and part of us is having a lot of trouble getting over some of it. Maybe that is a good way to approach the dialog.



Posts: 1214 | Registered: Feb 2011
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joe, Are you confusing sex with pain?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joeboo, did you ever go thru the anger stage?

I know some here on SI think the anger stage is not particularly healthy, but I disagree. I think it is a natural and healthy part of healing.

In fact, mine was probably much more than anger, mine was a burning fiery, scorched earth rage.

I found it empowering. Cathartic. Healing.

Believe me, I understand the hang up with a component of the physical part of the A. H fucked a 'pro'. Ya know, the ones that are supposed to be the 'sexperts', the prostitutes. Oh, I'm sure she had all sorts of special tricks up her twat (golden vajayjay, I'm sure) that my poor lil country girl twat could never compete with. I'm sure she had lovely oral skills that maybe I don't. Perky boobs; (what on earth was I thinking when I nursed his 2 kids? Shame on me for providing sustenance to my babies, when I should have been preserving my 'perkiness' for his middle aged ass).

Are ya feeling me here Joe. Are ya feeling my rage? Yep, I got in touch with it, and it served me well. You know how?

It got me to the 'fuck you'. And oh my how healing the big 'fuck you' was for me. It allowed me to then transform the rage into humor. When I started making my Xtranormal cartoons, I found it all to be just so comical. (At least they are comical to me, but maybe I'm just warped, lol). And quite honestly, I don't give a rats ass who else finds them comical or not, it works for me. (A friend told me she thought they were sad....fuck her).

So I found humor (dark humor, I don't care) that allowed me to rid myself of the 'personal' aspect of it. And see myself for the special, unique, saggy boobed, ordinary person that I am. Hey, I'm all I have. Short of surgery, there is not a damn thing I can do about it. So fuck them and the horse they rode in on.

Joe, please, don't waste anymore of your life worrying about things you yourself stated that you can not change. Find your rage. Then process thru it. Then find the humor, and let it heal you.

Reclaim your sexuality. Reclaim your life. Don't give her and her cruel words to you so much power!

((((Joeboo))))


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7113 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
joeboo
♂ Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joe, Are you confusing sex with pain?
I wouldn't say I am confused about it anymore. Sex is a source of enormous emotional pain. Physically I am very capable and in spite of my apparent shortcomings I thought I was doing rather well with what I had. I was always willing to do what ever she enjoyed before I would consider my own pleasure. For the last year or so I just don't want to feel like a dunce during or after. The physical pleasure isn't worth the humiliation and sadness. She is my only so I have no idea how to gauge my place in society with regard to sex. I feel like a misfit. Abstinence allows me to function without life-threatening feelings of depression and self-worth. I'll never know if it was me or if I would have been more than enough for someone. It's easier to not think about or subject myself to the torture of my own mind.


Joeboo, did you ever go thru the anger stage?
Oh hell yes! She had every chance to leave in fact I told her I'd help her pack. I never made a habit of raising my voice to my wife, but there was no mistaking my anger during that phase as I ripped her a new ass like pissed drill sergeant. She insisted she wanted to stay and never wanted a divorce. As you say, it really was therapeutic and really helped me to become grounded amongst all the confusion. I think it helped because for me it was all raw honest emotion from the very core of my existence. I spoke my peace and meant every last effen word. Pre d-day I never thought I would go there and I can sure as hell bet by the look on her face she didn't think I would either. But, I never thought she would sleep around and lie about it to me for so long either. Things are better now between us. Seems kinda strange in spite of zero intimacy but everything else in our life seems to be working out just fine. WRT to the sex, the anger phase must have been turned inward because I took it so personal, so much so that the only way I know how to deal with it is through abstinence.


[This message edited by joeboo at 6:06 PM, August 30th (Friday)]


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