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User Topic: opening a can of worms or putting out a fire?
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Question  Posted: 9:00 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure if I should be posting here or in General.

A while back, before I found SI, I told my WH I was tempted to contact the OBS. He requested that I didn't because he didn't want to disrespect the OBS
Didn't he already do that by his actions. Let alone disrespecting me, then shoving in the knife & twisting it by showing more 'concern' for the OBS than his own spouse?

Anyway, I didn't make contact with OBS then, but struggle with that decision almost everyday. We are trying to be as open as possible, so I told my WS how I felt.

My WS asked me not to since he finally got the AP to quit calling & texting. He says it will just cause her to contact him again. He says he doesn't want to deal with her. I tried contacting AP once & her response was to immediately call my WH

I expect full disclosure from my WS he expects the same from me. So doing it without telling him (either before or after) is not an option. The last text AP sent him he brought straight to me. I tried contacting AP once & her response was to immediately call my WH

I'm wondering if anyone else has been in the same situation. If so, what did you do & what the results were?


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 306 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
sportsfan
♂ Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its pretty much a rule here to advise the other BS of the A.

Because you have this deal with your H I would make sure the other BS knows and then tell your H, not before.


Posts: 1928 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
AStar
♀ Member
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soconfusednow, I think you need to talk to your WH again. If telling the OBS is going to help with your recovery then you need to do it. I don't feel your H has any right to ask you not to tell OBS. He is just trying to protect himself and AP.
I believe the spouse of AP has a right to know. They have a right to know exactly what they are married to. If your H is worried that AP will contact you or him after her BS knows, then get a restraining order put in place and have her locked up if she violates it. Why should consideration for AP who violated your M together with your WH now be your concern? Your H is a coward in not letting the truth of his actions see light of day and betraying you and your recovery by wanting to protect AP. Actions have consequences and if AP is too stupid to know this then some jail time for harassment or violating the restraining order should teach her a lesson a NC email/letter can't.
I don't think you need your Hs permission to contact OBS. Tell him you are going to do it. He may contact AP to warn her. It will show you where he stands with her.
Dont protect their lies- tell the OBS. He deserves to know. Wouldnt you want someone to tell you? AP might even get a NC instruction from her BS.
Tell your H that you are informing the OBS. It will help you heal, you aren't complicit in hiding the lies of AP and your WH and the OBS will finally know the truth of what he is married to.

[This message edited by AStar at 9:18 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
AStar
♀ Member
Member # 39971
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops- double post.
Maybe you need to tell OBS twice

[This message edited by AStar at 9:15 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


Me BS (41)
Him WH (45). EA and possible PA (denied)
D Day 7/21/2013
M 8 years - filing for D

**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New Zealand
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Call the OBS and have your WH change his phone number. The OBS deserves to know and honestly I bet you the AP woudn't be trying to contact your WH if her BH "was in the know".

Your BH shouldn't be protecting his AP he should be protecting you.

ETA: I was the BS that did NOT know. The other BW knew abotu the A and confronted my STBXWW at their job almost a year before Dday. the other BS never once tried to contact me. So I sat in the dark for an additional year while my WW and the other WS kept their 3 year LTA goign for an additional year. I got the story of a crazy woman came up the job accusign my WW of sleepign with her husband. I got gaslit to death and believed that shit. If the OBS had called me, emailed me, sent me a smoke signal, I would have connected the dots and this A would have been outed and ended long before it did. Instead the OBS kept beating her head against a wall as her WH was still cheating with my WW and as I would later find out other woman at their job. I got to spend an extra year wondering what the hell was going on with my life and why things were crazy in my house. So yeah tell the OBS as it will help with an additional set of eyes and the OBS can get tested for STDS, etc.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:29 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1806 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No one can tell the outcome of any particular situation, but with experience and anecdotal evidence, you can come up with likely scenarios. There are a lot of reasons to tell the OBS, I won't enumerate them here. The WS is almost always against it - for all kinds of bullshit reasons, just like the one your H is giving you. From my own experience and what I've gleaned from reading other betrayed stories (this gets asked quite a lot on this site), is that telling the OBS is pretty much one of the foundations of R. It gets the AP out, the OBS is now another set of eyes (as AStar points out), and rarely does the WS objections play out. In my case, I was told that the OBS was a psycho alcoholic controlling bitch who would go cray cray and start breaking things. That couldn't of been further from the truth - she was congenial, appreciated and understood why I let her know, and enlightened us on information that was important to our R (turned out my wife was just one of several AP's for her H). I would just tell him - you don't need your WS's permission.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3740 | Registered: Dec 2011
undonelife
♀ Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has he sent her aNC letter? This should come first. I think the general consensus here is that you should contact OBS. Then HE can manage his WS. It's not your WH place to manage her & her calls, contact, etc. He should allow you to tell OBS & then he should block her on his phone, FB, email, online or any other type of contact mechanism he had w her. He should be finished with her in every way and focused on you only. The AP is now on her own now. She has to own her own shit & face her own consequences & work it out with her spouse. It's not your WH or your problem any more. If she comes around in person the police can be called or he/you can refuse to open the door or acknowledge her presence. She should not matter anymore. No contact means no contact. This will prove to you he is NC, transparent & willing to focus on you & your healing.


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 182 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
TxsT
♀ Member
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My experience with this is interesting...

I was the one who called the OS and told him what was going on. He was forever grateful that I did. I learned so much from him about how horrible their marriage had been (yes I took it with a grain of salt). He had actually told her he was going to divorce her. She had really truly been the initial aggressor in this journey. She had sexually come on to my husband for over a year before changing tactics....the friendship and caring thing worked better on my H.

Through my relationship with the OS, we have both been able to piece stuff together. He has also helped me throw a few daggers back at his wife all which has shown my hubby what a conniving little bitch she really was.

For my part, the true reason why I called him was simple....he had a right to know and I wanted to make sure the A was good and DEAD. It is much harder to hide when more eyes are watching you. The OS also warned me of an impending visit from his wife which we were able to stop....we live in a totally different country so the visit wasn't just a get in the car and go over she had to plan the whole thing.

I do not abuse my relationship with this OS. Yes I tell my hubby when I call and why it was necessary. For me it revolves around feeling safe. I don't trust that woman as far as I can throw her....which is a hell of a long way right now!!!

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OBS deserves to know. Wouldn't you want him to tell you if he knew and you didn't??

Another issue is that if this is not exposed, she will likely never address her issues that led to this. Which makes it very likely that it will happen again. And possibly destroy another family in the process.

I know it doesn't seem like it, but I really think exposure is doing them a favor. Not just for the OBS but even for his WW. It is their opportunity to be genuine. And I don't believe that will ever happen if this is not addressed.

Good luck. I know I was scared to death when I had to make that phone call.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1064 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AStar - on the double post, Thanks.....anytime I can laugh it's a good time

7yrs - It's his work#, email etc...so he can't change it.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 306 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrs - It's his work#, email etc...so he can't change it.
He can block her emails so they get deleted immediately or have them sent to a spam folder if you want to see them before deleting them. Heck get OBS email address and set it up so each time she emails your WH it get autocopied to her BH. The phone thing is a little harder but if it's a smart phone he can program her number in with the name of NEVER ANSWER AGAIN, or NO CONTACT, and you can see the phone log everyday when he gets home. Or have any number she calls from blocked on the phone, there are apps for that.

Do they work together? You can out them at work but your mileage may vary on this one and your WH will likely be impacted as well but that's a consequence for him.

If they don't work together he can go to HR or his Boss if it's a smaller company and explain the situation. corporate america has ways of blocking contact especially if he goes in telling them that AP is contacting him for no work related stuff and it needs to stop.

Probably way more than you wanted but at a minimum contact the OBS so it's out in the open.

ETA: My point is there are ways that your WH can stop her from contacting him if he puts a little thought into it. Heck go to the police and file a restraining order.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:02 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1806 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's using every excuse in the book to have you keep quiet because he fears what the BS of his exOW might say or do to him - and he'd deserve everything that comes his way.

I think he's looking to protect his own butt, which doesn't surprise me. However, the exOW's husband has just as much right to know the reality of his marriage as you did. To not tell him is to keep their dirty secret for them.

I think you should stop asking your husband's opinion (because his is self-serving) and do what you know in your heart is the right thing to do.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1542 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He can block her emails so they get deleted immediately or have them sent to a spam folder if you want to see them before deleting them.

We've already set that up for spam

The phone thing is a little harder

We set the phone so it rings different if she tries to call or text, that way he doesn't just answer it thinking it's a customer.

Every night when he gets home from work the phone gets put on the counter. I can choose to look at it or not, whatever I want that day.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 306 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand the back and forth you are feeling over this. I am sorry you have been put in this position. Very heartbreaking I know.

You might consider asking yourself...What do I want to do? or What do I need to do for myself?

In my situation my STBXWW knew, her AP knew, OMBS knew, OM's other other woman knew (yes he was involved with more than just my WW), and OOW's husband knew. Guess who didn't know?...ME! I have since learned that all of them had secret meetings on how to deal with this and I still had no clue. I felt like a fool after finding all this out. Had I been told I could have made a much more informed and timely decision about how I wanted to proceed with my life.

I don't know that any WS wants the BS to contact the OBS. I wouldn't if I was in his position either i'd imagine. But this isn't about him at this point. This is about what you need to do for yourself and what you feel is the best given the circumstances.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1018 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Reegz
♂ New Member
Member # 40391
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you need fully disclose what happened to the OBS. By not telling him, you are not only potentially hurting yourself, but you're also hurting the OBS. Not just emotionally, but physically as well. Don't get your WS's permission - just do it.

Think about it. If there are any STD that are not curable - HPV, Herpes or heaven forbid HIV, that the OBS is aware of the AP carrying, they can tell you. You need to ask that person. Also if your OBS is having sex with AP, and THAT person has an STD, you can be affected, if you haven't already.

Also, it prevents the affair from going underground. Don't worry about the ramifications of the OBS. Or of that on your husband. Get your husband to change his cell number if needed. If he is serious about staying with you, these are small inconveniences in the long term.

None of these problems will matter 5 years from now if you are able to pull through this.


Me: 40 BH
Her: 36 WW
Clues Discovered - EA - May/June 2013.
D-Day - Confirmation of EA and discovery of PA - August 20, 2013.
4 to 5 month affair.
We are in recovery. Taking it a day a time.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: New York
kickboxer
♀ Member
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Informing OW's husband was an absolute criteria for reconciliation for me.

In fact, ultimately my WH called him and spoke to him personally. He owned up to the ugly truth, apologized profusely, and offered to put him in contact with me so I could share the "evidence" I had collected. For about a week or so, he and I exchanged emails using a joint email account that my WH has complete access to. I sent him everything I had, and she was not a happy camper when confronted. At this point, my WH and I have a harassment injunction against her.

She doesn't get to drop a bomb like this, and walk away unscathed. She doesn't get to walk into my marriage, betray her own vows, and skip off into the sunset.

H - E - DOUBLE L NO!!!

If I could find a way to ruin more of her life without causing additional pain to her hurting spouse, I would do it in a heartbeat.

As it stands, I'm pretty sure he's been down this road with her before...seems to me that she's a home wrecking wench who has been around the block a few times.

This time, however, she effed with the wrong wife.


BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
jackson
♂ Member
Member # 18819
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell the other BS. He deserves to know that his WW is putting his health at risk as well as his family happiness. He needs info to protect his family.

Posts: 790 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Midwest
flup
♂ Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just chiming in to add what others have said - Tell!

I got the same garbage from fWW - the OBS was a violent drug-abuser that may attack if told about the A. I met her and found out she had no idea and was a battered women's advocate and director of a nursing home.

He's giving you bullshit reasons for not telling OBS because he just wants it to go away, I'm sure, and not have to deal with any more fallout. Anything you do at this point forward is a consequence of his poor decisions, not something you just thought it might be fun to do.


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 427 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took me 5 years to contact the OBW. At first I just didn't want to rock the boat. Then I couldn't find her contact Info.

I found her home phone number eventually and called. It started out with me clumsily trying to explain who I was and why I was calling. Turns out the POSOM had warned her a crazy man might call and tell her lies. I'm betting the OW has said something similar to her H.

I did the only thing I could. I quickly told her the bare bones truth, that my WW and her H had an inappropriate relationship and she deserved to know the truth about the situation she was in. If she wanted me to hang up and never call her again I would but I had all the proof she needed if she wanted to hear it. She paused and said she didn't want to know. So I said OK and hung up.

It's not up to you whether you should call or not. You're being irresponsibility if you don't call.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 5:37 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 607 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a nurse in a community clinic, as a mom, and as a BS, I can't think of anything more selfish than NOT telling the OBS.

1) If their partner cheated with your partner...who knows who/what else that person has been sleeping with as well. Just because you and your WS didn't get an STI doesn't mean that the other WS doesn't have one and won't bring it home to their BS. It is a safety and health issue.

2) Your H's reasons for not wanting to "disrespect" the OBS are absolutely lundcrous. Your H already disrespected him by sleeping with his wife. His WW already disrespected him by lying to him and cheating with at least one other man. All you would be doing is letting him know what is going on so that he can be aware of what is going on in his own relationship. Sounds like your H is afraid of getting punched.

3) I think this is a clear case of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." If the OBS knew about the affair and YOU didn't know...wouldn't you want them to tell you? It is simply the right thing to do.

After you contact him:
-Let OBS know that you will not harass him or his wife and you expect the same consideration from the two of them
-Block the OW from your H and your cell phones
-Block her from e-mail


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 32
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