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User Topic: opening a can of worms or putting out a fire?
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please tell OBS.

At first I didn't. I believed WHs "we're just friends" bullshit.

Two months later and TWO DDays later - I finally told and guess what?!
The A officially ended.
The AP has no ramifications. No reason to not attempt contact with the WS. Once they are put "on blast" trust me, they will change their tune.

ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.

Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. You obviously believe that not telling OBS is hurting your progress.

2. You and your WH have been open with each other, and want to continue such.

3. Do #1, then #2, one right after the other.

This way, there is no dishonesty, and your personal healing continues. We can go on and on about the importance of telling the other spouse, but right now, I am talking about your healing. There is nothing wrong with telling the OBS first and your WH second. NOTHING. Your WH brought that option to the table when he cheated, and would not be showing the remorse you need if he was angered by your actions.

As a matter of fact, as one other member here mentioned, his reaction will show you EXACTLY where the two of you currently stand.

2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

soconfusednow - This is a topic that is frequently debated on this site. It is not an easy decision and in some situations there is often not a clear right and wrong answer. In my own situation I have not told - I have my reasons and in my opinion they are very justified.

As a nurse in a community clinic, as a mom, and as a BS, I can't think of anything more selfish than NOT telling the OBS.

Actually I can think of something more selfish, having an affair!!!

Its pretty much a rule here to advise the other BS of the A.

Often it is a good idea but it is not a rule or a must, you need to evaluate your own situation. Sometimes there are very valid reasons for not telling.

telling the OBS is pretty much one of the foundations of R

I really don't think telling the OBS is the foundation of R. Maybe for some people it is, I think a creating a loving, respectful, trustworthy, honest relationship is the basis for R actually.

I just wanted to provide some counter points to some of the previous posts. Now with that said, in your particular situation based on the little I know, I think I would recommend that you should tell the OBS. Why? Because your WH has broken NC several times and as recently as 2 months ago. He obviously has issues honoring NC. You will need pressure on both sides to control NC based on his mistakes. He will likely have a problem with you telling but you can tell him that his mistakes post dday made this a necessary action to take.

BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
♂ New Member
Member # 36375
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its very simple, Your husband doesn't want to deal with the full consequences of his actions and also wants to protect the OW's marriage.

Not telling the OW's husband will leave the door half closed and more of a probability that they can continue down the line. Tell the OW's husband and stop letting your husband gaslight you.

[This message edited by MeanBean at 7:35 AM, August 30th (Friday)]

Me BH:36
Ex W:33
Married 7 years/Dated 3 years
DDay1:October 12 2011
DDay2:November 3 2011

Posts: 36 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ Member
Member # 40131
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was the OBS. While I was def happier before I found out and was caught completely off-guard, I am glad I know. The OBS made the AP tell me, after he was unsuccessful doing it himself.

It turned out that while the AP told me every detail, she told her husband a much different story than what really happened, so I got to return the favor and tell him the harsh news, much to my WH's dismay. He wants us to stay out of their business and them to stay out of ours. I think he already made this all of our business and he is just trying to find a way to not get caught again.

Tell her/him. They probably already suspect.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 40249
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recommend you contact the OBS. I tried full disclosure with my WW, including openly discussing with her the possibility of contacting the OBS. I eventually learned my lesson and just contacted the OBS without telling my wife. It is through the OBS that I learned my wife was almost certainly lying to me on a daily basis and was probably still in contact with the OM. I also learned what I needed to prove it, which led directly to DDay #3.

The extent of my wife's lying at that point was heartbreaking and breathtaking to me. I would have never thought it possible for her. After my experience, I would not recommend full disclosure with a WS. I tried it with the same exact good feelings and intentions as you probably have. The most disclosure I would do is to tell my WS that I will do whatever is required to verify NC and verify the truth of what they are telling me and that I will not share my sources and methods.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: United States
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually I can think of something more selfish, having an affair!!!

You're right- having an affair IS more selfish than not telling the OBS.

When your frame of reference is, "Hey, this is bad, but not as bad as betraying my spouse," your perception is awfully skewed and faulty.

The situations in which the OBS should not be contacted are very few and far between. Of course if you don't know the OBS or how to get ahold of them, not telling isn't your fault.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, August 30th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought I had the OBS home number, but at a closer look I realized it was the AP's cell number. I guess more research is required.

Oh well, maybe I can put this on hold & enjoy the things my husband & I have planned for the week-end. Trying to take it a day at a time hoping it's real.

D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♂ Member
Member # 21587
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not up to you whether you should call or not. You're being irresponsibility if you don't call.

I can't think of anything more selfish than NOT telling the OBS.

Calling the OBS is honestly not the BS responsibility. It is done as a kind gesture reaching out to someone else who has to eat the other half of the shit sandwich being served.

Not every BS is able or wants to take that step. Please don't make it sound as though the BS is at fault for not doing so.

[This message edited by dontknowwhyme at 8:17 AM, August 31st (Saturday)]

BS 38
FWW 37 (fireandice)
Married 13 Years - Together 20
D-Day1:Jan 08 (EA OM#1)
D-Day2:8-15-08 (EA/PA OM#2)
DS12, DS9
Divorced 1-27-11
Remember, you don't drown from being thrown in the water. You drown from staying in it.

Posts: 1004 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
♀ Member
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, September 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW's BS ordered my husband to tell me or else he would. Gave him until that Friday, and like a coward, he waited until Thursday night at 11:30 to tell me. EVERYONE knew about this relationship but me. The other couple had an "open" relationship, only rule was you aren't allowed to fall in love with the other person. Well, MOW fell in love with WS. Her husband knew about my WS since Day #1, although she portrayed herself as a lonely housewife who was attracted to him....never telling him about their open relationship, so WS was thinking it was a secret from both spouses, when really it was a secret only to me. Her husband saw text messages back and forth, with *I love you*'s and hit the roof, kicking her out and ordering WS to tell me about it. She only told him that they were "found out".

Why I'm telling you this is because for the longest time, until I did my own investigation, WS felt SO SORRY for her and the *abuse* she took from her husband; when it was all a game for the both of them. I felt like a fool, WS certainly felt like a fool when he finally had to believe what happened (he refused to believe me when I told him about their *arrangement*, thinking it was lies her husband was spreading about her). I was SO ANGRY that her husband demanded he tell me, but realized he did me a huge favor because I don't know if WS would have ever told me if he could get away with it, and then he wouldn't have gotten the facts on the relationship the way it truly was on their side of it.

So yes, I think you should definitely tell the other BS what is going on. It is a gift to them.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 17 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 251 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our MOW did the same. I tried to be a lady about it and asked her to leave us alone.
She did not stop contacting my FWH until I told her husband about his lovely whore wife's 4 yrs with my H. She immediately sent a copy of her BS email to her, to my husband in an "look what your mean wife has done, save me" moment.
That was ignored.
It all stopped!
Although, when I got the opportunity, on a weak moment, to text her and tell her what I thought of her, she sent it to my husband and asked for her privacy.
She got it. She has been removed from the only place we could ever run into her, and something that meant a great deal to her. Karma's a bitch, thank goodness!! Perhaps Karma's a BS?

Tell Him! Do not warn your husband, just do it. He has the right to know, as did all of us.

[This message edited by fourever at 9:34 PM, September 2nd (Monday)]

In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
♀ New Member
Member # 40533
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems I'm in the minority here...I still haven't told the other BH and it's been 3 months since DD. They moved out of the country a week after I found out, so the PA obviously ended with that. The EA didn't end for several weeks as they continued to message each other despite my WH telling me it was over. Sigh. IC wasn't a fan of telling. She thought I needed to focus on myself, they are not my problem. What would my motive be? And in many ways I agree - it's not my fault the OBS is clueless. And the AP is ruthless - I really don't want to have any reason to interact with her and I feel I have a bit of control over her this's a bomb I could drop at any time.

That being said, I still find it tempting.

Me: 38 yo BW
Him: 40 yo WH
2 daughters (8, 5); married 15 yrs
DD: 6/2/13 (5 mo EA/PA with coworker)

Posts: 49 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 32
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