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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The damage we do to our kids
huRtZ413
♀ Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i have a 4 year old that understand what going on and it hurts so badly. he saw her dad (WH) cry during his visit with them and she tells him its ok you hurt us daddy im here for you ....

SOB!!! i hate this. this of course brought him to his knees and lost it was really hard to watch



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Darn it, he moved. Now I can't run him off the road next time I drive thru Nashville.

I know right? Just drive through Huntsville sometime, I have faith in you Aub.

Nope, not in IC, nor in MC. We moved up to WA at the end of June, and she "hasn't gotten around to finding an IC" We have discussed it, and she tells me she is actively looking. We'll see.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1296 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally doable. My husband has this big diesel van...it's a beast.

Ok so looking for IC. I'm a-hoping first on the IC agenda is the lying.

No hugs, but high five Dude. Keep strong.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6287 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll take the high fives.
Progress has been made, but still lots more to do.


[This message edited by wonderboy at 3:21 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1296 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wb - Do your kids have counseling set up? I can't recommend it strongly enough.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25667 | Registered: Aug 2011
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, we haven't set up counseling for them. We have talked about it, but not done it.

I think with all the turmoil from the move, we have let a lot of things slide by the wayside.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1296 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So not only is she lying to you, she is lying to herself still. "spare you more hurt" is a load of horseshit. Of course, WE can see it. The fact that she doesn't yet? That she has to lie to herself to try to excuse her lies to you, el problemo.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6542 | Registered: Jan 2011
motod
♂ New Member
Member # 37206
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WB: You had to change your employment upon your move to Washington, so why has she been allowed to keep her same affair employment and socialize with her same affair associates? What happens when she wants to attend work conferences in California where this whole mess started?

Posts: 10 | Registered: Oct 2012
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You had to change your employment upon your move to Washington, so why has she been allowed to keep her same affair employment and socialize with her same affair associates? What happens when she wants to attend work conferences in California where this whole mess started?

She did change her company, and is no longer working with AP. In general, her position is a pretty good set-up. It allows her to work from home aside from the occasional travel. Of course the trips always trigger me a bit, but they have lessened in severity. This new development causes me to question how forthcoming she has been in the past about the trips. But, in general, I am reaching a point where I have to let go of the outcomes. If she chooses to cheat, I can and will leave her without looking back.

That's the problem with this latest issue. It isn't necessarily a hard line..."O.k. I'm divorcing you" boundary. So, I am struggling with my response to it. I guess I will classify it as the continued erosion of our marriage. Actually that's not really true, our marriage, for the most part is improving. I guess I qualify it as another set-back in establishing a genuine marriage.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1296 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said this "Even with my small lies, that are only meant to spare you more hurt, " this is bullshit. Your lies are designed to protect you, not me.

I agree. First thing she wanted to do was avoid facing up to her failure. It is hard to take the sincerity of an apology seriously when the day before she was trying to sell you on a lie to cover her ass.

IMO- she may have become comfortable in R and fell back into feeling entitled to trust. To nights out with out being 'checked up on'.... She is ready to have the 'old' freedoms back... That is entitled thinking.

You just needed a number... It wasn't a test. It was a request for courtesy/information. Not an inquisition. It is sad that she threw away an opportunity to build the trust she wants so badly by turning away from you and feeding her resentment/entitlement.

Why? That is something she is going to have to look at.

The things you have to do to be successful in R are not a big fat mystery.
Effort over time. Transparency and consistent actions. Humility. Honesty.

I encourage her to continue to read and learn, but at this point it isn't about not knowing what to do. It is about not doing it. She knew she should have responded. She chose not to.

You know why R can be such a bear? Because it forces you to face and CHANGE the patterns and codependent roles we spent a lifetime grinding into a comfortable groove.

It kicks your pride in the teeth to know what needs to be done is pretty simple and clear, yet failure was pretty damn certain for awhile- at least in our case.

For us, getting through the FOO, personal and relationship obstacle course to get to the point where we could address each others needs was pretty darn daunting.

Try, try again. She needs to let go of 'finding' the answer. It was right there in front of her and she ignored it. Why did she throw away? Only she can say...


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how do you know for sure she was with her girlfriends?

if you're sure, were they at a family restaurant or a nightclub? I really don't like it when mature wives and mothers continue to go for "girls night out" at nightclubs. Maybe that's sexist, but maybe not. I don't go to nightclubs. Why? I don't see the need. I don't want to drink and look at strange women and dance with strange women.

it seems to me that the only thing at nightclubs that aren't at restaurants are men who want to have sex with women.

[This message edited by mike7 at 8:29 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how do you know for sure she was with her girlfriends?

I never know anything for sure. But from what I do know, her affair partner lives in Alabama. There is nothing else in the last 18 months that would lead me to think she had/has anything else going on. (I trust but verify).
And when I did do the locate my Iphone, it showed that they were at Flemings Steakhouse (their favorite location..since her best friends always gets comps there--through work). And the two women are, in my opinion friends of the marriage.

So no, I never really doubted she was where she said she was.

My issue remains the fact that she lied to me about friggin nothing. Literally about nothing. She hadn't been checking her phone, she knew that she should have been, because I sometimes trigger when she's on trips. She let two hours go by without a response. It wouldn't have been a huge deal. But instead of just saying "I screwed up," she lied. IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT THE LIES. Mistakes happen. Even a remorseful spouse can screw up and forget simple stuff. It happens. But then choosing to lie about it...well, that goes back to the whole destroyed trust thing. The worst thing is that she KNOWS that getting caught in lies sends me way back. She was busted several times early on in lies, so this is a huge issue. So instead of risking a little discomfort over admitting an honest mistake, she chose to risk screwing everything up by lying. That's what I don't understand.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1296 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok. i was just checking.

It sounds like you're on top of things.

yeah, the lying thing sucks. I guess if everything else is going well, just reiterating that you just can't handle the lying is about all you can do.

I thought your email was strong. She can't be feeling very good about things right now.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
guarded
♀ Member
Member # 25364
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, August 31st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Out of the mouths of babes....I still remember during false R when my little guy asked, "How old is Dad's friend?"

I responded with OW's age (which is about 5 yrs older than H and I).

DS's response: "Umm...isn't she a little OLD for him?"

"Uh...yup!"

Seriously though, what I wouldn't give to go back and spare my kids what they went through. The whole time FWS swore "they were fine" and fought me on putting them in counseling.


In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?

Posts: 451 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NY
Long Gone
♂ Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been following your posts....and the few your wife made last year....

She was awful to you.....

It is of my opinion that you want this R on the fast track...there is no such thing my friend. If she is still doing things such as lying to avoid conflict...she is still in that mindset she was in when she wrote her last post on this site...


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jun 2011
Long Gone
♂ Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

btw...Im in bama.....

ill hook you up


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jun 2011
TICKED OFF
♀ Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do agree with most of what you have said in your post. What I don't agree with is the WE portion of it.

During h's 6 week a, he shunned not only me but our entire family and our (at the time) 13 year old kid. The only thing I did was to react to what he had done to us when I found out about his a with our neighbor.

So NO, it wasn't what I did to our kid, it was what he did. I can't even really blame the ow. My h was 50 yrs old and knew right from wrong and definitely knew he was not doing right for our kid.

These days the kid is now much older and he too has a a foul taste in his mouth due to what his dad did to US.


Posts: 2462 | Registered: Sep 2005
Topic Posts: 37
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