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User Topic: Grass is Greener mentality
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

does this even exist?

Seemed every time WS appeared to re-commit to me during this separation, he romanticized the OW so much. (saying how haunted he was by her memory, etc)

And he would then romanticize me whenever he re-committed to her.

These phases would cycle quickly, back and forth and back and forth.

I told our MC about it last month when we were seeing her, and she disagrees it was a case of "the grass being greener" type thinking.

But I don't know what else one would call it.

Anyway, divorce on either way!

But this ridiculous dynamic always annoyed the heck out of me.



WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yeah, I think it does. The WS sees the life they have or could have with the OP as perfect. After all, it's a new relationship, no struggles of being married. The person thinks they are great, compliments them and looks at them with admiration. After a few years of marriage that newness wears off. So the grass is greener on the other side. When he comes back to you; it's new again. You are on your best behavior and so is he. But there is still these triggers. Life isn't so perfect so he begins to look at the other picture again. Some call it a fog. I call it a pure selfish bubble.

But what do I know I am still trying to figure things out.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, grass is greener. Also chemicals: you want what you can't have, and when you can't have it, you respond to perceived feelings of rejection. UO has a really good post on rejection over in WS.

Dr. Glass said something about the WS wanting to choose BOTH the BS and the AP. I think she's right about this, that this is the unrealistic thing many WSs try for, and it becomes a fence-sitting triangle and totally unfair to the BS.

It's the ultimate in external validation. It's also the unhealthiest solution. The WS is looking for two people to complete him (or her). Dr. Harley tries to explain it as the A meets some "needs" and the M meets others. It's more complicated than that. The reality: the WS isn't meeting their own needs. They're weak.

He's not stable. That's why he keeps bouncing back and forth.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ Member
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you want what you can't have, and when you can't have it, you respond to perceived feelings of rejection. UO has a really good post on rejection over in WS.

This! Definitely! People always want what they can't have and get bored of what they have got. I'll be checking that thread out!


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I checked out that post. Very interesting. May have hit the nail on the head.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course the grass is greener.
It's because of all the "fertilizer" that the AP spread around.
It's not 'til the WS get there that they start to smell all that BS.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 466 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Topic Posts: 6

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